Joke thread

fanatic1 said:
There was a private plane charter flying across the Alps. On board besides the pilot was an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a French mountaineer. Suddenly there was a steep descent followed by the pilot's panicky voice across the intercom. "All engines failed. I'm bailing out now. Every man for himself. Problem is only three parachutes left. One of you's unlucky. See ya"

The Englishman speaks first "Well I'm a member of the House of Lords and I must return to vote in a crucial debate." The others quickly assent and he grabs a parachute from the locker and exits. The Scotsman says "I'm a member of the SFA and our brief is to pick the Scottish team for the upcoming Euros. The others agree and he grabs a chute and exits the plane."

The Irishman says "I'm a finalist in the Brain of Britain competition. Confidentially I'm the red hot favourite. I must return to dispel those awful Irish thicko jokes which besmirch our great nation." The other two agree and he grabs a pack and exits the plane. The Welshman says "You might as well go. My life's in ruins. I've nothing to live for. My marriage has collapsed and my business has folded." The Frenchman says "Zut alors mon ami. Let's grab a parachute and leave. The Welshman replies "How can that be There's only one left."

The Frenchman chortles "The Brain of Britain has just strapped on my rucksack."
Click to expand...

Surely either there were four parachutes or the Welshman was still right then?!
 
fanatic1 said:
There was a private plane charter flying across the Alps. On board besides the pilot was an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a French mountaineer. Suddenly there was a steep descent followed by the pilot's panicky voice across the intercom. "All engines failed. I'm bailing out now. Every man for himself. Problem is only three parachutes left. One of you's unlucky. See ya"

The Englishman speaks first "Well I'm a member of the House of Lords and I must return to vote in a crucial debate." The others quickly assent and he grabs a parachute from the locker and exits. The Scotsman says "I'm a member of the SFA and our brief is to pick the Scottish team for the upcoming Euros. The others agree and he grabs a chute and exits the plane."

The Irishman says "I'm a finalist in the Brain of Britain competition. Confidentially I'm the red hot favourite. I must return to dispel those awful Irish thicko jokes which besmirch our great nation." The other two agree and he grabs a pack and exits the plane. The Welshman says "You might as well go. My life's in ruins. I've nothing to live for. My marriage has collapsed and my business has folded." The Frenchman says "Zut alors mon ami. Let's grab a parachute and leave. The Welshman replies "How can that be There's only one left."

The Frenchman chortles "The Brain of Britain has just strapped on my rucksack."
Click to expand...
 
Michael Barrymore on the witness box at his swimming pool inquest.

Coroner - thumping his fist on the table: "How did the man die?"

Barrymore: "Buggered if I know"
 
Last edited:
"Two guys were hiking in the woods and saw a bear in the distance starting to charge towards them. One guy calmly puts down his back-pack and pulls out his running shoes to replace the hiking boots he was wearing. The other guys says, "Are you nuts? You're not going to outrun that bear." To which the first guy responded "The only one I have to out run right now is you."
 
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