Joke thread

A large woman walks into a pub in Liverpool raises her arm revealing her hairy armpit and says loudly, "Anyone in here care to buy a lady a drink?"
Everyone ignores her except for squinty eyed old Patrick sat at the end of the bar.
"I"ll get the ballerina a drink", he says slapping some money on the top of the bar.
The woman accepts the drink and quickly swallows it.
A moment later she raises her arm again, revealing a hairy armpit and says loudly, "Anyone in here willing to buy a lady a drink?"
Again everyone ignores her except for squinty eyed Patrick at the bar who slaps some money down and says, "Bartender, get the ballerina another drink!"
The barrender gets a fresh drink and says to Patrick, "Ok, here's the drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
Patrick replies, "Well isn't it obvious?
Any woman who raises her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
 
One evening, Paddy and Seamus are staggering home from the pub, when unexpectedly they find a head lying in the gutter.

“Feck me Paddy”, says Seamus. “That looks like Murphy's head!”

“Ah, I dunno”, says Paddy. “We'd better take it to his wife and ask her.”

So the two inebriates pick up the head, stumble round to Murphy's house and bang on the door. Murphy's wife opens the door, and Paddy holds the head up: “Is this Murphy's head?” he slurs.

The wife looks up at the head for a few seconds.

“Nah, that's too tall for Murphy.”
 
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