Joke thread

[bladdered]

John: Dad, there's a girl I like. She's beautiful. I want to go out with her.

Dad: Who?

John: The girl across our street, Nina.

Dad: Oh no, you can't. Don't tell Mum but she's your sister.

John was furious, but a week has passed and he fell in love again.

John: Dad, I think I'm in love. She's prettier.

Dad: who?

John: She lives beside our house, name's Ana.

Dad: Oh son, I pity you but you can't date her. She's your sister as well. I'm sorry but it happened more than once.

John was furious. He decided to talk to his mother.

John: Mum, I hate dad! I can't date the 5 girls I fell in love with just because they're dad's daughters to different women.

Mum: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want, he's not your father.

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[Sam101]

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.



The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.



He again encounters a woman. This woman, however, is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck, but decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.



"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

 

[Sam101]

My wife banged on the toilet door & said "Hurry up I need a shit"



"Fuck off," I shouted "I'm trying to have a wank in here"



"So that's more important than diarrhoea" she screamed.



I yelled through the door " I'm just about to come for fuck sake, just wait a few moments will you"



What an impatient, big mouthed gobshite she is.



God knows what everyone on the plane must have thought.

 

[bonespost]

 

[Southern KK]

John: Dad, there's a girl I like. She's beautiful. I want to go out with her.

Dad: Who?

John: The girl across our street, Nina.

Dad: Oh no, you can't. Don't tell Mum but she's your sister.

John was furious, but a week has passed and he fell in love again.

John: Dad, I think I'm in love. She's prettier.

Dad: who?

John: She lives beside our house, name's Ana.

Dad: Oh son, I pity you but you can't date her. She's your sister as well. I'm sorry but it happened more than once.

John was furious. He decided to talk to his mother.

John: Mum, I hate dad! I can't date the 5 girls I fell in love with just because they're dad's daughters to different women.

Mum: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want, he's not your father.

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[bluethrunthru]

still got it

 

[lefty goldblatt]

 

[Maintainin]

 

[bladdered]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[bladdered]

 

[KS55]

I am this old.

Google Image Result for https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/50e704d9e4b088804187548d/1571063363472-880G64PVHOG18QW6K02D/IMG_4079.jpg

 

[Uwe Already]

I found a suitcase with five squirrels in it.

I called the RSPCA who asked me, “Are they moving?”

I said, “I’m not sure, but that would explain the suitcase.”

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[goalmole]

View attachment 152466

Those were the days.

 

[Vienna_70]

View attachment 152474

That reminds me:

It was inevitable that cannabis and gay marriage would become legal at around the same time, for in the bible, it says,

If a man lies down with another man, they will be stoned.