Joke thread

[Zubrman]

Do, do, do the funky walrus?

Close, but no Cheilio inermis

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Maintainin]

 

[Uwe Already]

Broke my can opener - it’s now a can’t opener…

 

[Columbia]

My favourite programme is songs of praise. I watch it religiously.

 

[mexico1970]

 

[Sam101]

 

[bluethrunthru]

 

[sir baconface]

View attachment 174220

I have a 12-inch pianist and I like this post.

 

[Sam101]

Absolutely gutted!

Kajagoogoo tickets just gone on sale for £60, but I've only got £58.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

I have a 12-inch pianist and I like this post.

I have a cat that will never get a round of drinks in!!

 

[noseve]

Absolutely gutted!

Kajagoogoo tickets just gone on sale for £60, but I've only got £58.

Are you Tim Vine, Vine...?

 

[Sam101]

My wife banged on the toilet door & said "Hurry up I need a shit"



"Fuck off," I shouted "I'm trying to have a wank in here"



"So that's more important than diarrhoea" she screamed.



I yelled through the door " I'm just about to come for fuck sake, just wait a few moments will you"



What an impatient, big mouthed gobshite she is.



God knows what everyone on the plane must have thought.

 

[Uwe Already]

I asked the Mrs for anal sex last night,

I thought, 'why not, she takes everything else the wrong way'.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[better dead than red]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never paid 20 quid to have a lentil on my face!

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

The Vicar's daughter is about to marry a sailor. On the night before the wedding, the mother says to the daughter "I know what these sailors are like. He may ask you if he can do it 'the other way'. It's dirty and it's sinful, so say no."
They marry. A few months in to the wedding, it is the sailor's birthday. The wife is feeling a bit sinful and dirty, so she says to her husband, with a wink and a grin, "As it's your birthday, do you want to do it 'the other way'?"
"No thanks" he replies, You might get pregnant"