Joke thread

[Ste1969]

My wife took the car for its M.O.T.

When she returned, I said, "How did it go?"

"Well..." she replied. "The steering's knackered, the headlights need work, the bumper needs replacing, the suspension's buggered and the clutch is fucked."

"I take it that's a fail," I said sarcastically.

"Oh, no," she replied. "It passed. I did all that on the way home."

 

[speccybob]

I went to see my nan today, I told her she looked well for her age.

She said "My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago"

I said "They will be, one's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge."

 

[TheGibralter]

I've been banned from looking after the kids. I was watching a DVD with them the other night whilst the wife was at work. My lad asked "Is that lady going to die?"

I replied "Judging by the size of the horses cock son, I reckon there's a fair chance."

Quality.

 

[BackofJeanette]

BEST 5 FUCKS EVER.
5. Fuck me! That plane's a bit low! - New York residents, 2001.

4. You want fucking WHAT on the ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566.

3. Fucking slow down! - Princess Diana, 1997.

2. Listen, for the last time, I haven't fucking seen them! - Ian Huntley, 2002.

1. We'll win the fucking league this year! - Liverpool fans, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.2011,2012

 

[manclad]

BEST 5 FUCKS EVER.
5. Fuck me! That plane's a bit low! - New York residents, 2001.

4. You want fucking WHAT on the ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566.

3. Fucking slow down! - Princess Diana, 1997.

2. Listen, for the last time, I haven't fucking seen them! - Ian Huntley, 2002.

1. We'll win the fucking league this year! - Liverpool fans, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.2011,2012[/quote)

What the Fuck was that !!!!!- Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.

 

[BackofJeanette]

BEST 5 FUCKS EVER.
5. Fuck me! That plane's a bit low! - New York residents, 2001.

4. You want fucking WHAT on the ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566.

3. Fucking slow down! - Princess Diana, 1997.

2.What the Fuck was that ? - Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.

1. We'll win the fucking league this year! - Liverpool fans, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.2011,2012


Edited!

I didn't like the Huntley bit !

 

[BackofJeanette]

The Queens corgis are delighted Prince Phillip is back at the palace.

They won't get blamed for pissing on the sofa anymore.

.........................


At my cousin's wedding last weekend I got talking to a man who was wearing a kilt.

I said, "You've probably been asked this loads of times already, but can I ask you the traditional question?"

He grinned and replied,
"Oh, go on then!"

I said, "Do you realise you look a complete ****?''

.........................................

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to suck my cheesy cock.She tutted and said "That's not very mature!"

I'll ask her again in a week or so.


...................................

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.

Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69

 

[law74]

Paddy and Mick were looking through a catalogue, Mick says that there are some fine looking women in here, Paddy sees the price and says, aye, and cheap too, so they decide they will buy a couple.

A week later, Paddy arrives home and asks Mick if the women have arrived yet...


No But they wont be long, their clothes were delivered today

 

[Bill]

Paddy and Mick were looking through a catalogue, Mick says that there are some fine looking women in here, Paddy sees the price and says, aye, and cheap too, so they decide they will buy a couple.

A week later, Paddy arrives home and asks Mick if the women have arrived yet...


No But they wont be long, their clothes were delivered today

love it.

 

[brass neck]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '


The little girl replied thoughtfully,



'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'