Joke thread

Re: Man held after rape

johnny on the spot said:
Sparkys-Army said:
johnny on the spot said:
Trouble is that it's clownish, puerile gags like this which upset the serious hobbyists.
Click to expand...

I'll be honest, i don't know what puerile means.
Click to expand...

It's Flemish for hilarious.
Click to expand...

Oh right, I'll add that to my mental dictionary. I have much to learn!
 
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandad.... and not shouting and screaming like the passengers in his car.

------------------------------------------------------------

I farted in a lift the other day. That was wrong on so many levels.

-------------------------------------------------------------

A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some shopping. all of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" to which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."
 
Young Paddy invited his mother over for dinner.
Over the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely his flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the interaction between the two,
she began to wonder if there was more to young Paddy and Joanne than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Paddy volunteered
"I know what you must be thinking but I assure you Joanne and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner I haven't been able to find the frying pan;
you don't suppose she took it do you?"

'Well, I doubt it but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PADDY.

Several days later, Paddy received an e-mail from his mother which read

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT, IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED,
SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!
 
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Mary,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
 
ade_akhtar said:
A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some shopping. all of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" to which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."
Click to expand...

very good
 
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said
 
citymantop said:
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Mary,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
Click to expand...

I don't generally go for the long ones but this is quality.
 
citymantop said:
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Mary,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
Click to expand...

Bastard, I'm fucking suing you
 
Ancient Citizen said:
citymantop said:
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Mary,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Lol class mate
 
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