Joke thread

I could never afford a personalised number plate for my car, so I changed my name by deed-poll to NA08MYB instead
 
Lavinda Past said:
BELLENDER said:
BELLENDER said:
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Click to expand...
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
(You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)
Click to expand...


Hahahahaha

(Bastard! - You were watching!)
Click to expand...

My penis size is only 1.5 times my thumb size. Does this mean that i can never become president? :(
 
Ragnarok said:
Lavinda Past said:
BELLENDER said:
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
(You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)
Click to expand...


Hahahahaha

(Bastard! - You were watching!)
Click to expand...

My penis size is only 1.5 times my thumb size. Does this mean that i can never become president? :(
Click to expand...
Not unless your thumb is 5 inches long.
 
Ragnarok said:
Lavinda Past said:
BELLENDER said:
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
(You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)
Click to expand...


Hahahahaha

(Bastard! - You were watching!)
Click to expand...

My penis size is only 1.5 times my thumb size. Does this mean that i can never become president? :(
Click to expand...

Only if your thumb is 6+ inches long....
 
I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman, its very rewarding but quite challenging, it took me ages to get her husbands voice right..
 
I was just watching a scouse family on 'Family Fortunes'. You should have seen their little shiny faces light up when Vernon Kay said to them, "Get ready, you might have a
chance to steal
 
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
The agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
Of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
From the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
Out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
Railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
Door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
Agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
There, spread out upon the kitchen table were
Literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
Devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
This world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
Towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
Edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
With a wooden spoon .........
..........

.........

****** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
 
When I heard about the bombings at the marathon I had a feel of anger, and when I learnt that it was Boston it was more than a feeling
 
My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...

And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.
 
You know when you get that urge to eat something just because its there?

Well that's why igot struck off from being a gynecologist...
 
What's the difference between Man Utd and North Korea?
One's a regime run by a mentalist, facist dictator and followed by thousands of brainwashed
in-breds....





The other's a pisspot country in Asia.
 
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