Joke thread

I went into my local newsagents yesterday and asked for some Halls soothers, I was surprised when the shopkeeper came from the back with a couple of 12 year old girls.
 
An old lady was at the cash machine and she was struggling to read the screen, so she asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.


What do you call a donkey with glasses on... A smart ass.
 
A man phones his local council office and says, "I have just raped a fat, ugly as fuck, ginger woman!". The receptionist says, "You need to phone the police to confess, sir". The man replies, "I don't want to confess, I want you to fix the lights in the fucking park!" :-D
 
I found a video on my wife's phone of me shagging her.
I don't remember filming this but it must have been on holiday, I've got a great tan and my cock looks massive.


I remember at school to prepare me for work in later life, I was sent on work experience at a department store for two weeks.
The scouse lad in our class got a fortnight at home doing fuck all and watching telly.


I've been to quite a few wakes, but I've yet to attend one that actually worked.



I love yoghurt. It's everything my girlfriend isn't.

Sweet, fat free, and all over my cock right now.<br /><br />-- Tue Jul 02, 2013 5:55 pm --<br /><br />I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offenders' register.

Then I realised I was watching the closing credits for Coronation Street.
 
With the success of the channel 5 programme the man with 10 stone balls , next wk features Ryan Giggs mother titled the woman with the 10 stone ****
 
A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks him what he wants.
'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your tits' he says.
'Out you dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts his apology and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your
arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!' she storms.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your legs, fill your fanny with
Stella Artois and then drink every last drop from it'.
The barmaid is absolutely furious at this last suggestion, and runs
upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up love?' he asks.
'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and
lick the sweat off', she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off'' she screams.
'Right. He's dead,' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Stella
and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair, and switches the
telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.......
'Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of
Stella!!!!
 
An Irish man walks past a pub and sees a sign on the window, "pies £1, wanks 50p." He legs it into the pub, dead excited and sees a stunning blonde barmaid. He asks her, "are you the one that gives wanks?" She said, "yeah, I am". He said, "well can you wash your hands coz I want one of those pies".
 
Bloke goes into a library and asks the Librarian,

"Do you have any books on shelves?".

She said, "Friggin' hundreds".

He then asked her "Do you have any books on suicide?"

She said, "We do but they're all out at present."


Three generations of a prostitute family sitting round the kitchen table.

The young girl says, "I've just earned £20 for a blowjob".
The mother says, "Blimey, in my day, it was only £1".
The grandmother says, "In my day, we were just greatful for a warm drink"
 
A man goes to the doctors and says, "I've got a massive hole in my arse, doc". Doc says, "drop your pants and bend over then pal, let's have a look." When he shows him, the doc says, "christ mate, that's enormous. How did that happen?" The man says, "I was fucked by an elephant". The doc says, "but an elephants knob is long and thin, it wouldn't make a hole that wide." The bloke said, "yeah but he fingered me first".
 
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 30 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull terrier on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered "My Mother-in-law - she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"



The man replied "Join the queue!"
 
I've got the memory of an elephant.

Last year I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
 
talkativesprout said:
With the success of the channel 5 programme the man with 10 stone balls , next wk features Ryan Giggs mother titled the woman with the 10 stone ****
Click to expand...

best joke on here
 
2sheikhs said:
An Irish man walks past a pub and sees a sign on the window, "pies £1, wanks 50p." He legs it into the pub, dead excited and sees a stunning blonde barmaid. He asks her, "are you the one that gives wanks?" She said, "yeah, I am". He said, "well can you wash your hands coz I want one of those pies".
Click to expand...

this is wrong on so many levels
"an Irish man walks past a pub" yeah, like that is ever going to happen
then he goes into the pub and says he wants a pie? maybe you just mis-understood his brogue and he said he wanted a pint.
 
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