AntonDonJuan
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- Joined
- 2 Jun 2007
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- 13,217
Now thats funny!Hamann Pineapple said:
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
foetus
Well-Known Member
nw42 said:foetus said:A blind man walks into a store with his 'seeing eye' dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manger runs up and demands, "WTF are you doing?????"
The blind man replies "just having a look around."
[bigimg]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/6ufRWDXhN2o/hqdefault.jpg[/bigimg]
A few days later and that response still makes me laugh haha
Squelch
Well-Known Member
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"
ChrisNUFC
Well-Known Member
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the surgeon. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the surgeon. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
ashytheblue
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- Joined
- 16 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 530
Japanese girl was making love and accidentally passed wind. she quickly explained, "oh me so sorry, you make my front hole so happy, back hole blew you kiss"
moonshiner
Well-Known Member
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around and says "About 2 hours"
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut"
The barber looks around his shop full of customers and says "About 3 hours"
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a hair cut?"
The barber says "I'm not very busy today,so about half an hour"
The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this, looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes"
A little while later Bill comes back into the shop,laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Well, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house"
The barber looks around and says "About 2 hours"
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut"
The barber looks around his shop full of customers and says "About 3 hours"
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a hair cut?"
The barber says "I'm not very busy today,so about half an hour"
The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this, looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes"
A little while later Bill comes back into the shop,laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Well, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house"
kawkav
Well-Known Member
johnmc said:
he was busy shagging Marry on sunday , couldn't get back t eggs 'til monday
carlos tevez is a blue
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- Joined
- 25 Nov 2010
- Messages
- 16,121
"knock knock" "whos there?" "irish stew" "irish stew who" "irish stew in the name of the law!"
kawkav
Well-Known Member
mammutly said:
nor is Jesus
BlueMo'
Well-Known Member
kawkav said:
Very sad.
Italian Manc
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- Joined
- 4 Feb 2010
- Messages
- 530
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Cook it til it's Bill Withers.
Cook it til it's Bill Withers.
Tricky Dickys Right Foot Shot
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- 1 Dec 2008
- Messages
- 10,553
BlueMo' said:
Don't be fella, it's not a true story anyway!
Bluemoon dan
Well-Known Member
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Marcus.
One afternoon, out of nowhere appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to
grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.Marcus, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Marcus, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically Marcus, suddenly underwent a change, and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could
match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life." and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Marcus looked into each
other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man
she had ever seen.
Then Marcus walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath:
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
One afternoon, out of nowhere appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to
grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.Marcus, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Marcus, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically Marcus, suddenly underwent a change, and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could
match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life." and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Marcus looked into each
other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man
she had ever seen.
Then Marcus walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath:
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
blueunit
Well-Known Member
TWO PRAWNS.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
He found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
Came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
And I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this..............................)
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . . .
.
'I've found Cod. And now I'm a Prawn again Christian'
SORRY ABOUT THAT!!
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
He found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
Came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
And I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this..............................)
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . . .
.
'I've found Cod. And now I'm a Prawn again Christian'
SORRY ABOUT THAT!!
JoeMercer'sWay
Well-Known Member
blueunit said:
don't even bother with your coat.
kashmir
Well-Known Member
blueunit said:
Keeping on the seafood theme
2 crabs and there son pincher walking along the beach
The son was eating some tasty snack
Dad crab asks to have a bit of his sons tasty snack
His son refuses telling him to get his own
To which his father replies
Son you're shellfish
I've already got my coat
Sticking with the fishy theme
Little tommy goes to the kitchen and says "mummy, mummy. Grandma has a prawn in the front room"
"What are you talking about tommy?" Replies the mother. She decides to take a look so takes a peek through the door to find the grandma furiously masturbating.
"Tommy" says the mother " that's not a prawn, that's a clitoris"
Tommy replies, "oh, well it certainly tasted like prawn."
Little tommy goes to the kitchen and says "mummy, mummy. Grandma has a prawn in the front room"
"What are you talking about tommy?" Replies the mother. She decides to take a look so takes a peek through the door to find the grandma furiously masturbating.
"Tommy" says the mother " that's not a prawn, that's a clitoris"
Tommy replies, "oh, well it certainly tasted like prawn."