Joke thread

[bennyblue]

I went and bought the complete Prince collection for £29.99

I thought it was a rip off until i put it on. Then i parted like it was £19.99

parted what ?







will be passing it on though ; )

 

[nw42]

An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.
"Hey, Handsome, how about it?"
"You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more."
"Ah, come on," says the lady of the night, "it'll be really nice."

After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto her bed he rides her like a god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can't believe it when he finally finishes and gives her a break.

"Wow, old man," she says, exhausted, "that was amazing. And you said you couldn't manage it any more?"

"Oh I can still do the business, darlin'," says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay."

 

[2sheikhs]

An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.
"Hey, Handsome, how about it?"
"You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more."
"Ah, come on," says the lady of the night, "it'll be really nice."

After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto her bed he rides her like a god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can't believe it when he finally finishes and gives her a break.

"Wow, old man," she says, exhausted, "that was amazing. And you said you couldn't manage it any more?"

"Oh I can still do the business, darlin'," says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay."

But my mate says you have to pay them up front.

 

[sir baconface]

After spending five years working on a new mouse-trap, Paddy takes it to the patent office.

It consists of a ramp with a rusty blade at the top. Over the drop is a piece of cheese. Paddy explains: "The mouse walks up the ramp, leans over the blade to get the cheese and slices his throat in the process".

"No way. There simply wouldn't be enough pressure on the blade to slit his throat. Think again", said the patent officer.

Five years later, after much thought, Paddy returns with mousetrap mark 2.

"It looks just the same as before", said the patent officer. "The only difference is the piece of cheese is missing".

"But that's the whole point" replied Paddy excitedly. "The mouse climbs the ramp, leans over the blade and moves his head from side to side saying 'where's the fucking cheese?' "

 

[johnmc]

After spending five years working on a new mouse-trap, Paddy takes it to the patent office.

It consists of a ramp with a rusty blade at the top. Over the drop is a piece of cheese. Paddy explains: "The mouse walks up the ramp, leans over the blade to get the cheese and slices his throat in the process".

"No way. There simply wouldn't be enough pressure on the blade to slit his throat. Think again", said the patent officer.

Five years later, after much thought, Paddy returns with mousetrap mark 2.

"It looks just the same as before", said the patent officer. "The only difference is the piece of cheese is missing".

"But that's the whole point" replied Paddy excitedly. "The mouse climbs the ramp, leans over the blade and moves his head from side to side saying 'where's the fucking cheese?' "

Mice can't talk though? And what would attract the mouse to he trap without the cheese? Doesn't add up.

 

[nw42]

This thread's becoming a joke!

 

[sir baconface]

After spending five years working on a new mouse-trap, Paddy takes it to the patent office.

It consists of a ramp with a rusty blade at the top. Over the drop is a piece of cheese. Paddy explains: "The mouse walks up the ramp, leans over the blade to get the cheese and slices his throat in the process".

"No way. There simply wouldn't be enough pressure on the blade to slit his throat. Think again", said the patent officer.

Five years later, after much thought, Paddy returns with mousetrap mark 2.

"It looks just the same as before", said the patent officer. "The only difference is the piece of cheese is missing".

"But that's the whole point" replied Paddy excitedly. "The mouse climbs the ramp, leans over the blade and moves his head from side to side saying 'where's the fucking cheese?' "

Mice can't talk though? And what would attract the mouse to he trap without the cheese? Doesn't add up.

Mate, you'll need to show a bit more imagination to become a successful inventor like Paddy.

 

[foetus]

What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?

Spoiler

I feel like a kid again.

 

[paphos-mcfc]

A bloke brings his best mate home after work.

His wife screams " you fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done and I'm still in my fucking pyjamas. I can't be bothered to cook as it's the wrong time of the month!! Why the fuck did you bring him home????

To which the husband replies......."He was thinking of getting married"

 

[dronefromsector7g]

My granddad drowned in a bowl of Alpen. He got dragged under by a strong currant.