Joke thread

I have just made this joke up. Not sure if it's actually funny. Here it goes.


Have you heard about the ice cream van where you can stick your knob through the hole and some one sucks you off? It's called the knickerbocker glory hole
 
davymcfc said:
I have just made this joke up. Not sure if it's actually funny. Here it goes.


Have you heard about the ice cream van where you can stick your knob through the hole and some one sucks you off? It's called the knickerbocker glory hole

What, just anyone, bit risky that mate. I'd rather have a tub.
 
People in the media are saying that playing grand theft auto will encourage people to commit crimes.
That's bollocks, we've had the coronation street board game for years and I'm not a paedophile.
 
johnmc said:
mrcunny said:
A wise man once said. You should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner..... Once she stops sucking.... Change the fucking bag!

Most vacuum cleaners don't have bags nowadays.
My henry does..<br /><br />-- Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:29 pm --<br /><br />
2sheikhs said:
People in the media are saying that playing grand theft auto will encourage people to commit crimes.
That's bollocks, we've had the coronation street board game for years and I'm not a paedophile.

I shouldnt..but I did..
 
Male Cycle
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
 
So the Kenyan terrorists were walking around shooting anyone who couldn't name Mohammed's mother ?
That's the problem with shopping malls these days, it's all about the profit.
 
Since I've been on my own I've had two great sexual adventures, I've been drinking what I want when I want, it's been good having mates round all the time but I have let this place become a bit of a tip. The wife will go mad when she gets home from work later.
 
A man in Manchester walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working
in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The
man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man
was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,"
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are
you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players
there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
 
Uncle Wally One Ball said:
Wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning..........

"Windows frozen?"

Husband texts back.........

"Pour some luke warm water over it"

Wife replies,

"computer completely fucked now"


cracked me up
 
Tuearts right boot said:
My mate just rang me and said,"What are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

I actually laughed out loud, very good.
 
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
 
Jock takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Jock replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Jock replied, 'It does when it's in my fucking coat pocket'.
 

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