Joke thread

I saw a fortune teller the other day and she told me I was going to come in to some money
Last night I shagged a girl called penny....weird or what?
 
A security guard with a sniffer dog stops a guy at the airport and says " my dog tells me you're on drugs" the guy says "I'm on drugs, you're the one with a talking dog"
 
An old fella is wandering round a supermarket, looking for his wife.
A bit lost, he bumps into another bloke.
Turning round he says sorry & explains he's lost his wife.
The other bloke is much younger and obviously well off. 'That's funny' he says 'I'm looking for my wife too'.
'I know - we can look together' says the old man 'what's your wife look like?'
'Long dark hair, big boobs, tiny tight top and a very short skirt. What's your wife look like?'
'Forget it' says the old man '..lets just look for your wife.'
 
Was at the garden centre the other day and thought I spotted Michael J Fox.

Couldn't be totally sure it was him though, he had his back to the Fuschias.<br /><br />-- Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:51 am --<br /><br />Why has Captain Kirk's wife got a turd on her head?

Because William Shatner.
 
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married agian?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- Silence --
HUSBAND: "Sh!t"
 
When I was a teenager I took my girlfriend out in my car, and we pulled up at a secluded spot on a lovers lane.

I said "Come on get in the back"

She replied "No, I don't want to"

I said, "Come on luv, climb in the back"

She replied "No"

By this time I was getting really angry....

I said, "Why not?"

She said...."'Cos I want to stop in the front with you"....
 
jimbopm said:
Was at the garden centre the other day and thought I spotted Michael J Fox.

Couldn't be totally sure it was him though, he had his back to the Fuschias.

-- Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:51 am --

Why has Captain Kirk's wife got a turd on her head?

Because William Shatner.
Click to expand...

Must be the captains log .....
 
themadinventor said:
jimbopm said:
Was at the garden centre the other day and thought I spotted Michael J Fox.

Couldn't be totally sure it was him though, he had his back to the Fuschias.

-- Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:51 am --

Why has Captain Kirk's wife got a turd on her head?

Because William Shatner.
Click to expand...

Must be the captains log .....
Click to expand...

Arf!!
 
Two prisoners waiting to be executed. They're asked by the chief warden if they have any last requests. Prisoner number 1 says; ''I want Glory Glory M** U** played over the PA system during my execution''. To which the warden replies, ''I shall do that''. He then turns to prisoner number two; ''And what about you? Do you have any last request?'' To which the second prisoner replies; ''Can I be executed before him?''
 
The only way for the Andersons to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with an Ice Lolly and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the Car park ,' he shouted.

- 'An ambulance just drove by!'

- 'Looks like the Turners have company,' he called out.

- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'

- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with an Ice Lolly.'
 
Fell asleep in the chair and woke up to find some bastard had put a teabag in my mouth!

I'M NOT HAPPY.

Fuckin' hate being treated like a Mug.
 
BELLENDER said:
Fell asleep in the chair and woke up to find some bastard had put a teabag in my mouth!

I'M NOT HAPPY.

Fuckin' hate being treated like a Mug.
Click to expand...

Hahahahaha love it!
 
marcus said:
I got the mrs a pug dog as a present the other day, despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fuck............ The dog seems to like her..
Click to expand...


This made me chuckle :)
 
Asked the Mrs. for a wank the other night and she just started rubbing my cock with the car keys.
I thought to myself, "is it me or is she just fobbing me off".
 
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