Joke thread

Man:- "What's the difference between a penis and a leg of chicken?"


Girl:- "I don't know"


Man:- "Do you want to come on a picnic?"



Jewish Kamikaze pilot.......crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.




Tramp was walking past the synagogue in the pouring freezing rain, and the Rabbi was standing on the steps......

Tramp:- "Have you got 50p for a bed Rabbi?"


Rabbi:- "Sure, bring it round, and i'll have a look at it"





Bernard Manning 1977
 
I don't like to brag, but I can play every single card game except one.

Go to Youtube and type in "Eskimo Feet" There's loads of cool footage.

Bruce Springstein - I was born in the Usa. Crap song. Only a fucking American could write shit like that.
 
Man:- "What's the difference between a penis and a leg of chicken?"


Girl:- "I don't know"


Man:- "Do you want to come on a picnic?"





Why would you want someone to grab hold of your knob, bite the skin off it and then sprinkle salt on it?
 
I went to a pet shop, I asked the assistant, "Can I have a goldfish?"
He said "Sure, you want an aquarium?"
I said "I don't care what star sign he is"

I went on holdiay to see family in Australia, my gran said "Who did you fly with?"
I said "I don't know that names of all the other passengers!"

I spilled tomato sauce all over my white jacket, so I cleaned it dog shampoo, it said on the bottle 'for a nice shiny coat'

While driving I swerved to avoid some small nails that had been dropped on the road. Couldn't believe it when the police arrested me for tacks evasion.
 
2sheikhs said:
Man:- "What's the difference between a penis and a leg of chicken?"


Girl:- "I don't know"


Man:- "Do you want to come on a picnic?"





Why would you want someone to grab hold of your knob, bite the skin off it and then sprinkle salt on it?
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194trtw9lwx2hjpg.jpg
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I went to a pet shop, I asked the assistant, "Can I have a goldfish?"
He said "Sure, you want an aquarium?"
I said "I don't care what star sign he is"

I went on holdiay to see family in Australia, my gran said "Who did you fly with?"
I said "I don't know that names of all the other passengers!"

I spilled tomato sauce all over my white jacket, so I cleaned it dog shampoo, it said on the bottle 'for a nice shiny coat'

While driving I swerved to avoid some small nails that had been dropped on the road. Couldn't believe it when the police arrested me for tacks evasion.
Click to expand...

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In my eyes, the best ever invention is contact lenses.

Just so people don't think I'm weird walking in the park on my own I always carry a bag of shit with me.

Had to help the wife clear the table this afternoon. She can't even hold the cue properly.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
In my eyes, the best ever invention is contact lenses.

Just so people don't think I'm weird walking in the park on my own I always carry a bag of shit with me.

Had to help the wife clear the table this afternoon. She can't even hold the cue properly.
Click to expand...
Please stop and write the book you think is in you.
 
I was working out my calves at the gym today, when the instructor said, "Hey! idiot! Get those cows out of here!"

I've stopped wearing my glasses, it makes me look harder.

I was at a job interview the other day and the guy said to me, "I'm going to ask you three questions and I want you to give me three quick fire answers." So he said, "First question, how old are you?", I said "Quick fire."
 
My wife's just dropped a bombshell. She won't be coming home again. In fact, nobody from the munitions factory will be coming home again.

It was dinner time so I thought I'd grill a chicken. I screamed in it's face "WHERE ARE THE EGGS FUCKER!"

I heard my wife coughing and sneezing at the top of the stairs. I thought to myself, she's coming down with something.

When I have a severe headache, I take two painkillers and stay away from children. Well that's what it tells me to do.
 
After a meeting today, I went to give my boss a high 5, but he swerved it... so I turned it into a cartwheel to avoid looking stupid.

I got fired from work last week and was I so fucked off that I decided to torch the place. I shined a light into people's eyes until the batteries ran out.

Never be repetitive. That's what I always say.

My mate was murdered by a psychotic plumber. The police say he was tapped in the head.
 
Memorable dates in Manchester City's Illustrious History:

1937: Division 1 Title Winners for the first time, under Wilf Wild
1956: FA Cup Winners under Les McDowall
1968: Division 1 Title Winners under Joe Mercer
1969: FA Cup Winners under Joe Mercer
1983: Yaya Toure is born
1984: Yaya Toure's 1st Birthday
1985: Yaya Toure's 2nd Birthday
1986: Yaya Toure's 3rd Birthday
1987: Yaya Toure's 4th Birthday
1988: Yaya Toure's 5th Birthday
1989: Yaya Toure's 6th Birthday
1990: Yaya Toure's 7th Birthday
1991: Yaya Toure's 8th Birthday
1992: Yaya Toure's 9th Birthday
1993: Yaya Toure's 10th Birthday
1994: Yaya Toure's 11th Birthday
1995: Yaya Toure's 12th Birthday
1996: Yaya Toure's 13th Birthday
1997: Yaya Toure's 14th Birthday
1998: Yaya Toure's 15th Birthday
1999: Yaya Toure's 16th Birthday
2000: Yaya Toure's 17th Birthday
2001: Yaya Toure's 18th Birthday
2002: Yaya Toure's 19th Birthday
2003: Yaya Toure's 20th Birthday
2004: Yaya Toure's 21st Birthday
2005: Yaya Toure's 22nd Birthday
2006: Yaya Toure's 23rd Birthday
2007: Yaya Toure's 24th Birthday
2008: Yaya Toure's 25th Birthday
2009: Yaya Toure's 26th Birthday
2010: Yaya Toure's 27th Birthday
2011: Yaya Toure's 28th Birthday; FA Cup Winners under Roberto Mancini
2012: Yaya Toure's 29th Birthday; Premier League Champions under Roberto Mancini
2013: Yaya Toure's 30th Birthday
2014: Yaya Toure's 31st Birthday; Premier League Champions under Manuel Pellegrini
 
I sometimes do a bit of cross-dressing. I wear my normal clothes, but I scowl all the while.

I told my mate who likes to tell shit jokes all the time, "Ok the puns over."

Tell you what, decorating a Christmas tree doesn't half take some balls.
 
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