Joke thread

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JoeMercer'sWay said:
what's the difference between lewismcfc and women?

women aren't c**ts, they just have one...
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Hahaha touche. That cracked me up, nice one JMW.

It's a joke thread guys, nothing on this thread should be taken seriously.
 
oakiecokie said:
lewisMCFC said:
What's the difference between football and rape?




Girls don't like football.
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Mmmmmm.I expect a backlash for you.
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Simpsons.png
 
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.:
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian,“and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian was stunned : “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away” : St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. ”Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
”This isn’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” It’s not so bad, replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” Never,” replies Brian. “Well just relax and let it happen.” And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting in the bed.”
 
One day an infant school teacher said to her class of 5 year olds, "I'll give £10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, " It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, " Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a wee Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, " I'm sorry Hamish that's not right either."
Finally a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the £10."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, " You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."
To which Marvin replied, "Yeah, In my heart, I know it was Moses....but business is business."
 
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
 
2 lads from out in the sticks are driving down a road and stop at the side of the road for a break.
One looks out of the window at a stone and says;
"Christ, he was old"
"How old?"
"126"
"Who was he?"
"Miles from London"
 
Crouchinho said:
One day an infant school teacher said to her class of 5 year olds, "I'll give £10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, " It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, " Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a wee Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, " I'm sorry Hamish that's not right either."
Finally a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the £10."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, " You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."
To which Marvin replied, "Yeah, In my heart, I know it was Moses....but business is business."
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Did the guy who told you that go on to tell you about the time he broke his leg?
 
Pezzer2 said:
Why can't Chinese couples have caucasian babies?
Because two Wongs don't make a White!

Time for bed me thinks
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Warm welcome to the former Wigan chairman to Bluemoon

:)
 
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.

I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.

No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
 
lewisMCFC said:
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.

I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.

No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
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Love it.
 
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