Joke thread

jimharri said:
A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."
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:)
 
There has been a bad crash on the M60. A lorry carrying spiced beef has collided with a truck carrying rice.

GMP are saying its chilli-con-carnage at the scene.
 
A woman is standing on the edge of the cliff about to commit suicide

A man approaches her. He says ''Before you jump, could we have a shag ?''

''No, you dirty perv'' she replied.

''Ok then'' he says ''I'll wait for you at the bottom''
 
Rather shocked to hear that Donald Trump has announced that if he's elected his first act will be to ban the importation and manufacture of shredded cheese.

Apparently it's part of his strategy to Make America Grate Again.
 
JoeMercer'sWay said:
Nike say their new vapor kits help people run faster...

...only really of any use if you're a fan of Nice then.

fybc.
Click to expand...

I dont get this one?! Only thing i can think of is that its a joke about the Nice truck attack? Might just be my sick mind though
 
A Scouser and a Mancunian walk into a bakery.

The Scouser steals 3 buns (stereotyping alert!) and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Mancunian, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Mancunian replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The pair then walk back into the bakery. The Mancunian then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

He asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Mancunian then said, "Look in the Scouser's pockets."
 
Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
 
An 94 year old man in a nursing home meets a 75 year old women from the same home and they have sex. The next day his penis develops a massive painful swelling at the end and leaky discharge.
The doctor is called to his room to examine him.
The doctor asks "Have you by any chance had sex recently?"
The old man says "Yes, last night for the first time in 40 years"
The doc says "Do you know which room she's in?"
"Yes the top floor room 137" ,the old man replies
The doctor says "Well you better get the lift up there quick, you're about the cum!"
 
Can't find the funny pics thread so posted this here.

BdUHGJ8CIAA2P_p.jpg


Has Michael "Dorian" Gray painted a picture of himself we don't know about?
 
I've just been dumped. She told me my constant listening to Oasis was doing her head in.

Apparently it came to a head when she told me to turn off Wonderwall and I replied "maybe"
 
a young couple were looking at there new born baby in its cot when the man says look at the size of his willy.the woman says don't worry love hes got your ears
 
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