Thanks everyone.
Had to go back and scan what I’d read. Seems a long time ago now.
I was actually quite level and happy in 2019, but then again I was still living in the family home. People are different: some are happy being out with friends or going away a lot, but I’ve always like being around my children…this won’t last forever.
My own parents never really went out so we were always together (perhaps why they could afford a decent holiday each year). I do feel that a few of my personal issues are related to losing my Dad at 11 and never really having that father figure, perhaps the adoption thing is there in the back of my mind too.
So earlier this year I finally left the family home and it’s up there with the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I felt sick for weeks. Went to the docs and prescribed sertraline again but I advised that I would keep the prescription and not act on it straight away.
I’d just finished a 4 month intense web development course (full stack/coding) and had a project presentation in front a small auditorium in Manchester. Never, ever been a public speaker and I’ve battled shyness though-out my life. Ironically going through some dark times unravels all this and I’m a different person as of today. Can speak to anyone.
You can (if you allow it) develop a deep empathy with anyone you meet. I don’t judge anyone as you absolutely do not know what they are going through. I know people who I meet ‘out and about’ (which is literally just dog walks at the moment given the pandemic) would not have a clue. I’m generally upbeat and positive and like to bring a smile out in people. It can make our days better.
It’s akin to a power being granted (again, if you let it….let go of any negativity and bitterness as it does fuck all for you but further harm).
I go round a lot to the family home in the evenings and weekends really just doing jobs around the house (I loved that place and as mentioned before, I pretty much refurbed the whole place: rewires, fancy drop ceilings/shadowgap walls with LED’s….speakers in the ceilings, surround sound systems. But I have those skills now so I can use them in the future.
If I hadn’t anything to do there then I’d have less of an excuse to see the kids. It’s hard for them to leave that and stay in my poky one bed flat. It’s hard but it’s made clear if I’m not doing anything around there then there’s no reason I should be there (it’s falling a bit into repair as the ex doesn’t really care about a nice garden etc…you get the picture). Recently sanded the front door and large drive gate to repaint…re-felted the shed roof.
Also built my daughter a huge guinea pig run outside the shed and then a 4 story hutch (with perspex glass windows, stairs for them). Again, meant I was round there with them as it took a while.
A couple of weeks back I noticed she was being really pleasant with me (I’m always on call if she gets unstuck - appliances broken, things need picking up). Turns out she’d finished with her bloke (2 1/2 years) although she never told me.
A week later she mentioned I had to leave that evening as someone was coming over….I asked if it was ‘James’ (ex - name changed). “No, but it’s none of your business”. I asked my son, he didn’t know.
She found out I’d asked and in no uncertain terms, mentioned that if I ever asked him again I wouldn’t be able to visit again.
Turns out she’d met a guy online one week before and then already he was staying over in the family house….surely the fuck as a parent I’d want to know who was staying over? She explained this was the love of her life and someone who she wants to spend the rest of her life with….and has told that to me and her recent ex.
They went away this weekend (I stayed at the family home) and I was retuning from picking my boy up from his friends on Sunday they turned up at the same time. She ran up and said as he’s going to be round a lot longer now he wants to me…I politely declined the offer (does that request sound a little off?). She’s 49 he’s 59 (and his ex wife is 69). Age difference isn’t an issue but I was expecting a George Clooney in a Maserati but instead I see (on FB later that day) Mel from Benidorm in his clapped out clothes and car (on the grapevine I heard she thinks he’s loaded…perhaps he is and just hoards it).
The fridge was full of his shit beer and I suspect he likes a drink.
If he’s not around and I’m there she’ll be on the phone to him for hours…it’s really odd. Similar vibe to when people fall in love with serial killers after visiting them in prison.
My autistic daughter isn’t too good at the moment, but I worry about my son. It’s hard for me to assert myself as a parent…she holds all the cards. Found out his homework wasn’t handed in this morning (I always do it with him but as I’m not always there this can be neglected.
I don’t want to paint too harsh a picture of her btw. I’m in no way trying to score points or revel in whatever state she is in, but part of me is worried about her…
It’s all very twilight zone and has left me feeling very unnerved, but it won’t make me unwell. I’ve come too far for that and surprised myself with the strength I’ve found. I was walking the dog (my daughter’s technically) which I still do every night and feeling emotional. I’m sure the dog picked up on this as it nuzzled/stroked it’s head in my hands which made me smile and lifted me instantly…real moment.
My mother isn’t too good art the moment she lives 60 miles away). Slow dive into dementia. I nearly break up after speaking with her. It’s like I’m losing her…she sounds the same but not quite there. With that and the recent behaviour from the ex my life is very tender and strange at the moment. Again, if you met me in the street it would appear I have everything going for me.
Things are not good financially either but I can live quite frugally quite contently. As mentioned above, once that course had finished the plan was to get a job in web dev….but then CV19 kicked in to really add to my year.
However, I’ve used all this lonely living to diversify my learning and I enrolled on several course related to the section of the tech industry I could really see myself thrive in. I joined Linkedin and current have over 1000 contacts (and I’m not really a ‘Linkedin’ person) but I’ve been amazed at the generosity of the people out there (certainly in the industry). I’ve made some very good mentors and now friends (it’s a numbers game like everything - I had to say hello to over 900 people in order to find the right people). I now have a roadmap (cv and portfolio) that should be ready by the weekend so I then start hammering the applications. I’ve got interest already and that was before my PF was ready. Anyone who works in web tech PM me…always looking for further advice
All this focus has helped me through this utterly crazy year.
I run a lot (now planning for a marathon next year), don’t really drink and staved off the meds (but I’d advocate them as an initial route for anyone who really needs them).
That last date back in 2019 on the first post went well. She was incredibly beautiful and we had a second date but ultimately it wasn’t quite there. I wasn’t quite there…and it’s been an interesting journey finding myself, pushing my limits and getting comfortable in ones own skin (which is incredibly important).
Apols for the long read….I’ll stick a TL:DR up at one stage. It might be full of typos and bad grammar...but I can't go through all this now.
Feel free to PM if you need to talk but I do know this forum has some incredible people and I thank you all for that.
