The "let's talk" thread

[sir baconface]

I started believing these last couple years that my family would be better off without me. It got to the very dark stage where I would walk the canal for hours, trapped inside my head with my worst demons, tears down my face, hating myself for feeling so selfish.

I lost our beautiful house three years ago, forced to sell up because my freelance business was not bringing in the type of money it used to. We bought a smaller house around the corner so the kids weren't forced to quit their schools, and with the equity the sale released, we were at least able to put a decent chunk of money in the bank.

The sense of guilt and shame was enormous.

Having money in the bank didn't change a thing.

I became more and more depressed, sleeping two hours a night, lying in bed with the anxiety of what groundhog day would inevitably bring.

Essentially, I had a complete physical and mental breakdown, 25 years of working for myself, the daily grind of supporting a family and starting every day from absolute scratch, a media industry changing quicker that I could possibly keep pace with.

My self-esteem was at zero, supplemented by overeating to try and make myself feel better for a while at least, putting on nearly four stone and hating what was staring back at myself in the mirror, a complete and utter hatred of the pathetic man I had become.

I don't really have many friends, I work in isolation from home and would go days without speaking to anyone or actual human contact, outside of my wife coming home and asking how my day was, waiting to unload on her.

My young kids would walk around on eggshells and my wife just kept on saying something needed to change. After one particular moaning she just burst into tears and said we couldn't go on like this, she had reached her limit.

I had spent so long talking about all the things I couldn't change, how I'm not qualified at the age of 45 to start all again, even though I despise what journalism has become, still a slave to earning a living from it.

I've been with my beautiful wife since she was 15 and yet 26 years later, she has always had my back, I just didn't appreciate what I do have going for me.

My doctor had previously tried to prescribe me beta-blockers to control my general anxiety disorder, supposedly because my cortisol levels were always through the roof because my body was always in fight or flight mode, owing to my high state of readiness, even when danger was far away.

I vowed to my wife I would "try" to get better and the next day I booked an appointment with the nurse at the surgery, she always seemed to have a friendly face.

I told her everything and said I was just "sick of fighting myself every day" and she gave me a hug and could see how much I was hurting. She referred me to Trafford Self Help Therapies for CBT therapy and, after a few weeks, got myself a counsellor.

This amazing woman stripped me down, making it so easy for me to tell her my deepest thoughts and fears. How I had conditioned my mind to have automatic negative thoughts, thinking I was protecting myself from harm by isolating myself.

How I can't say no to anyone, always going out of my way for everyone, needing to be liked, even if it compromised myself. Having a father, more through his generational thoughtlessness and complete lack of emotional intelligence, who had fat shamed me from an early age, even though I wasn't that big, just not perfect.

Setting myself up for failure, time and again, an all or or nothing attitude, nothing in between.

My therapist helped me to identify my qualities, a completely impartial observer. How she "admired" my drive every day to get up and start work at 5.30am every day from the age of 16, but there comes a point when something will give.

I was given a different way of looking at things, from an intellectual level, working backwards and using my previous experiences of bad situations to inform me that things invariably worked out okay, so there was no need to sweat the the things which happen in the interim?

I finished 12 months of therapy recently and can maybe see I wasn't ready previously to change at other similar periods of my life.

This year was about working on what was going on inside my head and improving my physical state. I went back to the gym, every day, I've lost nearly three stone in two months, no meat, no alcohol, no sugars. I'm almost back to my prime weight of 12 stone and I am sleeping like a baby.

I am still not sure what my future job prospects are like, I feel the world has moved on a lot and don't quite know where my place will be in it.

All I know is that I am enjoying meeting new people, playing squash, bench pressing 100kg, feeling like my life isn't just passing me by. Next year I will put myself out there to try and work out the next career step.

More importantly, my wife has got back the man she has always loved, she just loves me a little bit more for trying to "fix" myself.

This was very hard for me to share, but if it can give a glimmer of hope to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, then it will have been worth it.

I've stopped caring about the things I cannot change.

Peace and love, Blues.x

Fantastic how you’ve turned that shit round to feeling so positive again. I hope this gives others encouragement.

My younger lad has had private counselling for a couple of years now. He has bi-polar. It hasn’t “cured” him, and never will, because that’s the nature of the beast. However, it certainly helps to keep things under control and assists him in organising his life. He was adamant that he didn’t want medication, so this has proved worthwhile.

Help on the NHS seems to be very limited so I mention this as a possibility for anyone for whom it might be relevant.

 

[sir baconface]

I have cocktail of issues that i find hard to overcome. I broke my leg when I was 13 and it has never recovered which had overlapped with finding out my Mum has MS and hopelessly watching her deteriorate.

After years of putting up with it I have become depressed. I struggled in college and dropped out of uni because of it.
The GP prescribed me an anti depressant but they made me so numb inside which was already becoming an issue on its own. I’d listen to people telling me the problems they have themselves and no matter how sad or even if I can relate it triggers no emotion for me. I hate the person that I’ve become.
I used to desperately want to be in a relationship thinking it was what i needed but now I don’t. What I would want from a relationship I know I couldn’t give in return and so i have no intentions of one. Plus im an ugly F*ck

Mate, however ugly you say you are, I can guarantee there are uglier f*cks than you around! There’s always someone better and someone worse.

Clearly your self-esteem is currently low and I’m guessing your unreceptiveness to other people’s problems might be some sort of defence mechanism.

You tried the drugs but they can be bad news. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor?

 

[Saddleworth2]

I started believing these last couple years that my family would be better off without me. It got to the very dark stage where I would walk the canal for hours, trapped inside my head with my worst demons, tears down my face, hating myself for feeling so selfish.

I lost our beautiful house three years ago, forced to sell up because my freelance business was not bringing in the type of money it used to. We bought a smaller house around the corner so the kids weren't forced to quit their schools, and with the equity the sale released, we were at least able to put a decent chunk of money in the bank.

The sense of guilt and shame was enormous.

Having money in the bank didn't change a thing.

I became more and more depressed, sleeping two hours a night, lying in bed with the anxiety of what groundhog day would inevitably bring.

Essentially, I had a complete physical and mental breakdown, 25 years of working for myself, the daily grind of supporting a family and starting every day from absolute scratch, a media industry changing quicker that I could possibly keep pace with.

My self-esteem was at zero, supplemented by overeating to try and make myself feel better for a while at least, putting on nearly four stone and hating what was staring back at myself in the mirror, a complete and utter hatred of the pathetic man I had become.

I don't really have many friends, I work in isolation from home and would go days without speaking to anyone or actual human contact, outside of my wife coming home and asking how my day was, waiting to unload on her.

My young kids would walk around on eggshells and my wife just kept on saying something needed to change. After one particular moaning she just burst into tears and said we couldn't go on like this, she had reached her limit.

I had spent so long talking about all the things I couldn't change, how I'm not qualified at the age of 45 to start all again, even though I despise what journalism has become, still a slave to earning a living from it.

I've been with my beautiful wife since she was 15 and yet 26 years later, she has always had my back, I just didn't appreciate what I do have going for me.

My doctor had previously tried to prescribe me beta-blockers to control my general anxiety disorder, supposedly because my cortisol levels were always through the roof because my body was always in fight or flight mode, owing to my high state of readiness, even when danger was far away.

I vowed to my wife I would "try" to get better and the next day I booked an appointment with the nurse at the surgery, she always seemed to have a friendly face.

I told her everything and said I was just "sick of fighting myself every day" and she gave me a hug and could see how much I was hurting. She referred me to Trafford Self Help Therapies for CBT therapy and, after a few weeks, got myself a counsellor.

This amazing woman stripped me down, making it so easy for me to tell her my deepest thoughts and fears. How I had conditioned my mind to have automatic negative thoughts, thinking I was protecting myself from harm by isolating myself.

How I can't say no to anyone, always going out of my way for everyone, needing to be liked, even if it compromised myself. Having a father, more through his generational thoughtlessness and complete lack of emotional intelligence, who had fat shamed me from an early age, even though I wasn't that big, just not perfect.

Setting myself up for failure, time and again, an all or or nothing attitude, nothing in between.

My therapist helped me to identify my qualities, a completely impartial observer. How she "admired" my drive every day to get up and start work at 5.30am every day from the age of 16, but there comes a point when something will give.

I was given a different way of looking at things, from an intellectual level, working backwards and using my previous experiences of bad situations to inform me that things invariably worked out okay, so there was no need to sweat the the things which happen in the interim?

I finished 12 months of therapy recently and can maybe see I wasn't ready previously to change at other similar periods of my life.

This year was about working on what was going on inside my head and improving my physical state. I went back to the gym, every day, I've lost nearly three stone in two months, no meat, no alcohol, no sugars. I'm almost back to my prime weight of 12 stone and I am sleeping like a baby.

I am still not sure what my future job prospects are like, I feel the world has moved on a lot and don't quite know where my place will be in it.

All I know is that I am enjoying meeting new people, playing squash, bench pressing 100kg, feeling like my life isn't just passing me by. Next year I will put myself out there to try and work out the next career step.

More importantly, my wife has got back the man she has always loved, she just loves me a little bit more for trying to "fix" myself.

This was very hard for me to share, but if it can give a glimmer of hope to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, then it will have been worth it.

I've stopped caring about the things I cannot change.

Peace and love, Blues.x

Thanks for sharing that mate. Hope you find something career wise that makes you happy. We are brought up ‘to be strong’ , to win, to succeed and to do it without showing much of our inner self. That is a bloody massive burden for many men and I’m sure many of us have shared some of your feelings at some time in our lives. I think you have shown great resilience and mental strength. Best wishes.

 

[WhereWereWeWhenWeWereWhat]

Mate, however ugly you say you are, I can guarantee there are uglier f*cks than you around! There’s always someone better and someone worse.

Clearly your self-esteem is currently low and I’m guessing your unreceptiveness to other people’s problems might be some sort of defence mechanism.

You tried the drugs but they can be bad news. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor?

I’m no sight for sore eyes but that bit was just a joke, my looks aren’t really an issue for me.

My self esteem definitely is an issue, I admit. But my numbness is probably still my biggest fear, sometimes I’d rather feel sad when I’m feeling that way, which has gotten to the point i get no or fleeting satisfaction from anything . A real bummer.

I took the drugs a while back but stopped not long after. They either caused or aggravated my feelings of numbness. As for counselling, I took a handful in college. In University (at my darkest point) I tried to get hold of one through the uni itself but never could and I haven’t tried since. I know I should really be going to something like that but when I'm at my worst I can’t get hold of something or someone anywhere near quick enough and when I’m not at my worst I tend to not have any energy to try to.

Thanks for replying as well, I appreciate it.

 

[tolmie's hairdoo]

Fantastic how you’ve turned that shit round to feeling so positive again. I hope this gives others encouragement.

My younger lad has had private counselling for a couple of years now. He has bi-polar. It hasn’t “cured” him, and never will, because that’s the nature of the beast. However, it certainly helps to keep things under control and assists him in organising his life. He was adamant that he didn’t want medication, so this has proved worthwhile.

Help on the NHS seems to be very limited so I mention this as a possibility for anyone for whom it might be relevant.

Thank you. I refused all medication and even though the wait for NHS counselling was slow, I can't speak highly enough of what they do.

There will be good days and bad days, but everyone has them?

That's some of the context and reasoning I had lost sight of somewhere along the way.

 

[sir baconface]

I’m no sight for sore eyes but that bit was just a joke, my looks aren’t really an issue for me.

My self esteem definitely is an issue, I admit. But my numbness is probably still my biggest fear, sometimes I’d rather feel sad when I’m feeling that way, which has gotten to the point i get no or fleeting satisfaction from anything . A real bummer.

I took the drugs a while back but stopped not long after. They either caused or aggravated my feelings of numbness. As for counselling, I took a handful in college. In University (at my darkest point) I tried to get hold of one through the uni itself but never could and I haven’t tried since. I know I should really be going to something like that but when I'm at my worst I can’t get hold of something or someone anywhere near quick enough and when I’m not at my worst I tend to not have any energy to try to.

Thanks for replying as well, I appreciate it.

No problem, you handsome bastard ;)

I’m no expert but it really might help if you could set the wheels in motion finding a counsellor while you’re in a reasonable frame of mind. Then he or she will be there to help during a darker period. The chemistry needs to be right, and the first one you meet may or may not be the one for you, so best to think ahead if you can.

Whatever you do, I wish you all the best.

 

[Dr Jacoby]

After spending three weeks in a mental health clinic in April, I have to say I’m somewhat surprised to find myself here today.

Following three suicide attempts, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality and autism, ADHD and FND (?) diagnoses would follow.

Whilst I have been unemployed for over a year and still reside at home with my mother (I turn 30 next year), I do have some small hopes for my future. Sertraline, keto + intermittent fasting and neurofeedback have all helped alleviate a bit of my chronic brain fog. But I do fear misanthropy is beginning to kick in as my indifference towards others continues to grow.

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

I think it's time I write this as it's been playing on my subconscious mind for many years, especially in dreams. Now many of you who read my posts know I often post in a jokey light hearted manner and it's quite often got me in trouble, even if the joke is on me. But when talking in a serious manner I'm a all ears empathetic type who'll help people out and lend an ear on what life throws at us, especially depression. Been there feeling as low as a snakes belly despondent and confused on several occasions.

This morning I woke up needing the loo at about 5am but I was having another dream about my ex wife. I say another dream as I must have about one a week, one I remember anyway. Dreams are quite vivid, some are sexual, most aren't, but mostly good dreams.

We met in November 89, got married in may 93 and split in November 2004, divorced in 06. We did many things together. Restaurants pubs days out weekends away and holidays, the usual stuff in a loving relationship. Our sex life was great, we had a few domestic arguements (like you do) but she was stubborn apologising even if at fault, and I'd pacify the situation by making peace as I couldn't stand her moody sulks. We had two lovely daughters in 96 and 2002, our marriage was strong who we brought up in a loving family.

Then in 2004 it went pear-shaped very quickly. I was grafting my balls off all over the uk working minimum 50 hours a week, some weekends away. Family time was sparse as I was hardly home. My Mrs asked to have a two year sabbatical from work as our youngest was born with microcephaly and had problems from birth. I was earning enough to support us so I was happy enough to bring home the bacon.

We could talk about almost anything in a cards on table honest way and we shared the same SOH and were on the same frequency in intellect. But she couldn't talk(and educate me) about her inner most fears and would clam up. I think having a less than perfect born child must have psychologically scarred her and she told me she had had been post natal depression after we split up, something I knew nothing about.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me and she started seeing a guy she claimed to have met in our local park and the rotten bastard homed in on her sadness and vulnerability. She told him our marriage was in difficulty and the **** didn't wish her well and walk away as any decent guy would have done in talking to a married woman.

To cut an already long story a bit shorter he manipulated the situation. I found out in June when we were on holiday in Spain of her affair. She said it wasn't sexual which I believed but the trust was broken.

We had arguements and I soldiered on working away, driving down the M1 with tears streaming down my eyes pretending I had a sniffly cold so my workmates wouldn't suss me out. Was fuckin' heartbroken that my marriage was failed and splitting up was inevitable. We split in November 04 and my world collapsed I became an alcoholic. My loving family home that I had done most of the DIY on, soon became an empty shell, like an open prison. I'd get home from work see a picture of my eldest as a baby with doe like staring eyes and the waterworks would come. I'd lock the door and fuck off to the pub in my van to get absolutely smashed as I wouldn't sleep otherwise. 8-15 pints a night sustained by takeaway food, and I'm ashamed to say I drove home on several occasions not caring if I crashed and died, it was a way out of an existence that I felt was killing me anyway. I would get a few hours sleep and go to work, often sobering up at height on a telecoms tower. I unhooked my safety lanyards more than once and almost leapt to my death, but I was stopped, probably by my spirit guide. Can't really explain but within a few seconds I realised what a selfish cowardly bastard I'd be in leaving my beautiful girls family and friends behind. So I soldiered on, another day another doller attitude, even though I was grafting my balls off I was in debt. I was suffering mentally, really suffering. I think my physical fitness helped me through in what is a very dangerous job fully focused anyway so my focus was just enough to see me through the day until I could blot my sorry emotions out yet again in the pub.

I only have a few regrets in life and with hindsight we should of stayed as a family and patched things up, the offer was there, she begged me to take her back but I couldn't. Instead I chose to battle my demons alone, apart from confiding in a couple of very close friends nobody else knew my(almost hopeless) situation.

About 8 months had passed after splitting and after realising stubborn bastard here wasn't interested she got back with the slimy ****. This made me more angry and confused. I went to my local and was in a fuckin' foul mood. An alleged former hardest guy in the town was sat on a barstool minding his own business. He was a former rag bully. I remember him and his gang of hangers on took a city shirt off a lad if about 18 and burned it in the pub. I reminded him of it and he denied it. Well he would because his rag posse weren't there to back him up and I told him to bully me He fuckin' shit himself and kept his head down - "I don't want to know mate", ****!

Sorry, I'm probably elaborating and prattling on too much, if so stop reading, but I must get how I feel off my chest.

I was finally feeling I was coming out the other side of my mental anguish and in the new year out of the blue I got a text from my ex Mrs. She wanted to get back with me but I was trying to move on. She wrote -" if we don't get back together in this life, we will in the next, we are soulmates". Wow, talk about being knocked down by a feather, I was a gibbering wreck. I spent the evening alone(kids were at mine in bed) getting pissed, tears streaming down my face and hurting bad.

When we split we always vowed to be amicable over our girls, and we mostly have been. She's been married to slimeball about 10 years now. Since splitting I was with an ex 3 years, living together for 2. With Bigfoot 5 years, living together 6 months and a few relationships plus plenty of sexual flings from women on dating sites.

My point is I have never truly loved anyone else but my ex wife and it's been hard since. I thought I was over her several times but I can't be because my dreams won't allow it.
What are they telling me?

I know she's the type who couldn't cope alone, my girls have told me. They can't stand their step dad and think mum us unhappy. I so wish I could turn back time and be the full time dad there for them(my eyes are welling up now writing this) but I have unable to be and that saddens me being totally honest.

I want to tell my ex Mrs how I feel. I know we still love each other deep down, my emotions are obviously a lot closer to the surface than hers, but when we talk to each other we still have the telepathy, the glint in her eyes give it away. We all move forward in life but life is like a book and the chapter of us together can never be ripped out of my life's book and erased.

I really don't know what to do and although I'm fine on the surface, I feel as though I'm dying a slow mentally painful death. I so want to tell her she's the only woman I've ever truly loved, and the only woman I will ever truly love.... : [

My dreams are so real but I'm so confused right now. Do I tell her how I feel blues ?

 

[journolud]

Of course you fucking do @BlueMoonRisin'

 

[Kinkladze 1]

I think it's time I write this as it's been playing on my subconscious mind for many years, especially in dreams. Now many of you who read my posts know I often post in a jokey light hearted manner and it's quite often got me in trouble, even if the joke is on me. But when talking in a serious manner I'm a all ears empathetic type who'll help people out and lend an ear on what life throws at us, especially depression. Been there feeling as low as a snakes belly despondent and confused on several occasions.

This morning I woke up needing the loo at about 5am but I was having another dream about my ex wife. I say another dream as I must have about one a week, one I remember anyway. Dreams are quite vivid, some are sexual, most aren't, but mostly good dreams.

We met in November 89, got married in may 93 and split in November 2002. We did many things together. Restaurants pubs days out weekends away and holidays, the usual stuff in a loving relationship. Our sex life was great, we had a few domestic arguements (like you do) but she was stubborn apologising even if at fault, and I'd pacify the situation by making peace as I couldn't stand her moody sulks. We had two lovely daughters in 96 and 2002, our marriage was strong who we brought up in a loving family.

Then in 2004 it went pear-shaped very quickly. I was grafting my balls off all over the uk working minimum 50 hours a week, some weekends away. Family time was sparse as I was hardly home. My Mrs asked to have a two year sabbatical from work as our youngest was born with microcephaly and had problems from birth. I was earning enough to support us so I was happy enough to bring home the bacon.

We could talk about almost anything in a cards on table honest way and we shared the same SOH and were on the same frequency in intellect. But she couldn't talk(and educate me) about her inner most fears and would clam up. I think having a less than perfect born child must have psychologically scarred her and she told me she had had been post natal depression after we split up, something I knew nothing about.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me and she started seeing a guy she claimed to have met in our local park and the rotten bastard homed in on her sadness and vulnerability. She told him our marriage was in difficulty and the **** didn't wish her well and walk away as any decent guy would have done in talking to a married woman.

To cut an already long story a bit shorter he manipulated the situation. I found out in June when we were on holiday in Spain of her affair. She said it wasn't sexual which I believed but the trust was broken.

We had arguements and I soldiered on working away, driving down the M1 with tears streaming down my eyes pretending I had a sniffly cold so my workmates wouldn't suss me out. Was fuckin' heartbroken that my marriage was failed and splitting up was inevitable. We split in November 04 and my world collapsed I became an alcoholic. My loving family home that I had done most of the DIY on, soon became an empty shell, like an open prison. I'd get home from work see a picture of my eldest as a baby with doe like staring eyes and the waterworks would come. I'd lock the door and fuck off to the pub in my van to get absolutely smashed as I wouldn't sleep otherwise. 8-15 pints a night sustained by takeaway food, and I'm ashamed to say I drove home on several occasions not caring if I crashed and died, it was a way out of an existence that I felt was killing me anyway. I would get a few hours sleep and go to work, often sobering up at height on a telecoms tower. I unhooked my safety lanyards more than once and almost leapt to my death, but I was stopped, probably by my spirit guide. Can't really explain but within a few seconds I realised what a selfish cowardly bastard I'd be in leaving my beautiful girls family and friends behind. So I soldiered on, another day another doller attitude, even though I was grafting my balls off I was in debt. I was suffering mentally, really suffering. I think my physical fitness helped me through in what is a very dangerous job fully focused anyway so my focus was just enough to see me through the day until I could blot my sorry emotions out yet again in the pub.

I only have a few regrets in life and with hindsight we should of stayed as a family and patched things up, the offer was there, she begged me to take her back but I couldn't. Instead I chose to battle my demons alone, apart from confiding in a couple of very close friends nobody else knew my(almost hopeless) situation.

About 8 months had passed after splitting and after realising stubborn bastard here wasn't interested she got back with the slimy ****. This made me more angry and confused. I went to my local and was in a fuckin' foul mood. An alleged former hardest guy in the town was sat on a barstool minding his own business. He was a former rag bully. I remember him and his gang of hangers on took a city shirt off a lad if about 18 and burned it in the pub. I reminded him of it and he denied it. Well he would because his rag posse weren't there to back him up and I told him to bully me He fuckin' shit himself and kept his head down - "I don't want to know mate", ****!

Sorry, I'm probably elaborating and prattling on too much, if so stop reading, but I must get how I feel off my chest.

I was finally feeling I was coming out the other side of my mental anguish and in the new year out of the blue I got a text from my ex Mrs. She wanted to get back with me but I was trying to move on. She wrote -" if we don't get back together in this life, we will in the next, we are soulmates". Wow, talk about being knocked down by a feather, I was a gibbering wreck. I spent the evening alone(kids were at mine in bed) getting pissed, tears streaming down my face and hurting bad.

When we split we always vowed to be amicable over our girls, and we mostly have been. She's been married to slimeball about 10 years now. Since splitting I was with an ex 3 years, living together for 2. With Bigfoot 5 years, living together 6 months and a few relationships plus plenty of sexual flings from women on dating sites.

My point is I have never truly loved anyone else but my ex wife and it's been hard since. I thought I was over her several times but I can't be because my dreams won't allow it.
What are they telling me?

I know she's the type who couldn't cope alone, my girls have told me. They can't stand their step dad and think mum us unhappy. I so wish I could turn back time and be the full time dad there for them(my eyes are welling up now writing this) but I have unable to be and that saddens me being totally honest.

I want to tell my ex Mrs how I feel. I know we still love each other deep down, my emotions are obviously a lot closer to the surface than hers, but when we talk to each other we still have the telepathy, the glint in her eyes give it away. We all move forward in life but life is like a book and the chapter of us together can never be ripped out of my life's book and erased.

I really don't know what to do and although I'm fine on the surface, I feel as though I'm dying a slow mentally painful death. I so want to tell her she's the only woman I've ever truly loved, and the only woman I will ever truly love.... : [

My dreams are so real but I'm so confused right now. Do I tell her how I feel blues ?

Of course you should tell her. Let her read your post! Life’s to short to regret you didn’t do something. Go for it.