- 14 Feb 2012
- screaming my bollocks off
You already knew what to do when you wrote the post, go on and do it....I think it's time I write this as it's been playing on my subconscious mind for many years, especially in dreams. Now many of you who read my posts know I often post in a jokey light hearted manner and it's quite often got me in trouble, even if the joke is on me. But when talking in a serious manner I'm a all ears empathetic type who'll help people out and lend an ear on what life throws at us, especially depression. Been there feeling as low as a snakes belly despondent and confused on several occasions.
This morning I woke up needing the loo at about 5am but I was having another dream about my ex wife. I say another dream as I must have about one a week, one I remember anyway. Dreams are quite vivid, some are sexual, most aren't, but mostly good dreams.
We met in November 89, got married in may 93 and split in November 2002. We did many things together. Restaurants pubs days out weekends away and holidays, the usual stuff in a loving relationship. Our sex life was great, we had a few domestic arguements (like you do) but she was stubborn apologising even if at fault, and I'd pacify the situation by making peace as I couldn't stand her moody sulks. We had two lovely daughters in 96 and 2002, our marriage was strong who we brought up in a loving family.
Then in 2004 it went pear-shaped very quickly. I was grafting my balls off all over the uk working minimum 50 hours a week, some weekends away. Family time was sparse as I was hardly home. My Mrs asked to have a two year sabbatical from work as our youngest was born with microcephaly and had problems from birth. I was earning enough to support us so I was happy enough to bring home the bacon.
We could talk about almost anything in a cards on table honest way and we shared the same SOH and were on the same frequency in intellect. But she couldn't talk(and educate me) about her inner most fears and would clam up. I think having a less than perfect born child must have psychologically scarred her and she told me she had had been post natal depression after we split up, something I knew nothing about.
I wasn't there for her when she needed me and she started seeing a guy she claimed to have met in our local park and the rotten bastard homed in on her sadness and vulnerability. She told him our marriage was in difficulty and the **** didn't wish her well and walk away as any decent guy would have done in talking to a married woman.
To cut an already long story a bit shorter he manipulated the situation. I found out in June when we were on holiday in Spain of her affair. She said it wasn't sexual which I believed but the trust was broken.
We had arguements and I soldiered on working away, driving down the M1 with tears streaming down my eyes pretending I had a sniffly cold so my workmates wouldn't suss me out. Was fuckin' heartbroken that my marriage was failed and splitting up was inevitable. We split in November 04 and my world collapsed I became an alcoholic. My loving family home that I had done most of the DIY on, soon became an empty shell, like an open prison. I'd get home from work see a picture of my eldest as a baby with doe like staring eyes and the waterworks would come. I'd lock the door and fuck off to the pub in my van to get absolutely smashed as I wouldn't sleep otherwise. 8-15 pints a night sustained by takeaway food, and I'm ashamed to say I drove home on several occasions not caring if I crashed and died, it was a way out of an existence that I felt was killing me anyway. I would get a few hours sleep and go to work, often sobering up at height on a telecoms tower. I unhooked my safety lanyards more than once and almost leapt to my death, but I was stopped, probably by my spirit guide. Can't really explain but within a few seconds I realised what a selfish cowardly bastard I'd be in leaving my beautiful girls family and friends behind. So I soldiered on, another day another doller attitude, even though I was grafting my balls off I was in debt. I was suffering mentally, really suffering. I think my physical fitness helped me through in what is a very dangerous job fully focused anyway so my focus was just enough to see me through the day until I could blot my sorry emotions out yet again in the pub.
I only have a few regrets in life and with hindsight we should of stayed as a family and patched things up, the offer was there, she begged me to take her back but I couldn't. Instead I chose to battle my demons alone, apart from confiding in a couple of very close friends nobody else knew my(almost hopeless) situation.
About 8 months had passed after splitting and after realising stubborn bastard here wasn't interested she got back with the slimy ****. This made me more angry and confused. I went to my local and was in a fuckin' foul mood. An alleged former hardest guy in the town was sat on a barstool minding his own business. He was a former rag bully. I remember him and his gang of hangers on took a city shirt off a lad if about 18 and burned it in the pub. I reminded him of it and he denied it. Well he would because his rag posse weren't there to back him up and I told him to bully me He fuckin' shit himself and kept his head down - "I don't want to know mate", ****!
Sorry, I'm probably elaborating and prattling on too much, if so stop reading, but I must get how I feel off my chest.
I was finally feeling I was coming out the other side of my mental anguish and in the new year out of the blue I got a text from my ex Mrs. She wanted to get back with me but I was trying to move on. She wrote -" if we don't get back together in this life, we will in the next, we are soulmates". Wow, talk about being knocked down by a feather, I was a gibbering wreck. I spent the evening alone(kids were at mine in bed) getting pissed, tears streaming down my face and hurting bad.
When we split we always vowed to be amicable over our girls, and we mostly have been. She's been married to slimeball about 10 years now. Since splitting I was with an ex 3 years, living together for 2. With Bigfoot 5 years, living together 6 months and a few relationships plus plenty of sexual flings from women on dating sites.
My point is I have never truly loved anyone else but my ex wife and it's been hard since. I thought I was over her several times but I can't be because my dreams won't allow it.
What are they telling me?
I know she's the type who couldn't cope alone, my girls have told me. They can't stand their step dad and think mum us unhappy. I so wish I could turn back time and be the full time dad there for them(my eyes are welling up now writing this) but I have unable to be and that saddens me being totally honest.
I want to tell my ex Mrs how I feel. I know we still love each other deep down, my emotions are obviously a lot closer to the surface than hers, but when we talk to each other we still have the telepathy, the glint in her eyes give it away. We all move forward in life but life is like a book and the chapter of us together can never be ripped out of my life's book and erased.
I really don't know what to do and although I'm fine on the surface, I feel as though I'm dying a slow mentally painful death. I so want to tell her she's the only woman I've ever truly loved, and the only woman I will ever truly love.... : [
My dreams are so real but I'm so confused right now. Do I tell her how I feel blues ?
Top bloke, good post.