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When was the last time you soiled yourself?
- Thread starter bluemonday
- Start date
maineroad68
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 5 Apr 2008
- Messages
- 1,151
BimboBob said:After a 12 hour drinking session we ended up at a mates house for 4am scotch.I was the last to leave.As i made my way down the street everything started to rumble.I was about 40 foot from his front door but i knew i wouldn't have enough time.
Over the road was an alleyway so i made for it.As i got there my arse gave up.Quickly i started to pull clothing off but i wasn't quick enough.It was everywhere.My trousers,pants and socks(i'd taken the shoes off) were flung down the alley as my arse carried on depositing bum water.Suddenly a security light came on.
It wasn't an alley.It was someones drive entrance.It was quite weird with all this liquid poo coming out of what felt like every hole to see a face staring at me from behind a upper floor window.
Soon it stopped and i then had the messy job of putting my trousers back on.I then rang the missus and asked her to pick me up(i was a good 6 miles from home)and to bring loads of bin bags for me to sit on.
When i told my mate the next day he didn't believe me so he went to check the house over the road and saw a man steam cleaning his garden/driveway walls.
can't breathe i'm laughing that much
Freestyler
Well-Known Member
BimboBob said:After a 12 hour drinking session we ended up at a mates house for 4am scotch.I was the last to leave.As i made my way down the street everything started to rumble.I was about 40 foot from his front door but i knew i wouldn't have enough time.
Over the road was an alleyway so i made for it.As i got there my arse gave up.Quickly i started to pull clothing off but i wasn't quick enough.It was everywhere.My trousers,pants and socks(i'd taken the shoes off) were flung down the alley as my arse carried on depositing bum water.Suddenly a security light came on.
It wasn't an alley.It was someones drive entrance.It was quite weird with all this liquid poo coming out of what felt like every hole to see a face staring at me from behind a upper floor window.
Soon it stopped and i then had the messy job of putting my trousers back on.I then rang the missus and asked her to pick me up(i was a good 6 miles from home)and to bring loads of bin bags for me to sit on.
When i told my mate the next day he didn't believe me so he went to check the house over the road and saw a man steam cleaning his garden/driveway walls.
CLASS, PMSL.
i've pretty much read all of this thread today, can't stop laughing.
allblackcitizen
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 18 Aug 2008
- Messages
- 1,865
DD - you deserve a medal for getting this thread reinstated. Some classic tales. My wife's just come in from watching peep show demanding to know what I'm laughing at. She thinks I'm a saddo anyway for "wasting time" on a football forum, but I've just had the rolled eyes treatment when I told her that I was enjoying tales of city fans shitting themselves. She's gone to bed now.
Anyway - 1989, Santorini, Greece. Interrailing with 3 mates. It was the middle of the night when the ferry docked at the port in Santorini. My stomach was already churning after eating a bit of a souvlaki stolen off a plate by my mate Si in a shithole in Pireaus, but before docking we were all herded down to the bow doors and I'm standing there thinking please god open the fucking doors 'cos I've got 5 mins max before my sphincter explodes open. Then the vibration starts as the ferry's engines start to go into reverse and the fumes from the car engines get up my nose and I realise i've got 5 seconds not 5 mins. It's coming and it's not stopping for, well, shit. I'm in the middle of a crowd and I've no idea where the toilet is. One of my mates sees I'm sweating buckets and have gone really pale and asks what's up. I've gotta go I say and chuck my rucksack at him and turn and start pushing a load of bemused Swedes and Germans out of my way. I reach the edge of the crowd as the first eruption of thick brown sludge emits from my bumhole and then I'm running around an empty ship in a blind panic trying to find a toilet while a lava flow of shit is pouring down my legs. Then I'm spotted by a Greek sailor who starts trying to push me back down to the exit deck and I have to shout in his face I'M SHITTING MYSELF and he doesn't understand but realises I'm desperate for something and gets out of my way. At last I found a toilet only marginally less offensive than the one in Trainspotting. The shit's still flowing out and I'm trying to hover over a smeared toilet seat although why I'm bothering I'm not sure as my arse is caked (although I find you can take some comfort in your own poo, but not anyone else's). Finally it stops and then the realisation hits that there's no toilet paper so I have to embark on the clean up operation with the small patch of my boxers that isn't brown and my t shirt. I'm left with a pair of shit caked (on the inside) cut off Levis and my thankfully untouched converse. I stiff legged off the ferry and find my mates queuing for the bus to take us to the camp site. There's no way I can get on that bus and then the stink hits them and the hilarity starts. I had to go and clean up in the water in the harbour, we miss the bus and have to sleep in a building site and get woken up by a pack of feral dogs sniffing around my jeans that I've dumped.
Worst night of my life.
Anyway - 1989, Santorini, Greece. Interrailing with 3 mates. It was the middle of the night when the ferry docked at the port in Santorini. My stomach was already churning after eating a bit of a souvlaki stolen off a plate by my mate Si in a shithole in Pireaus, but before docking we were all herded down to the bow doors and I'm standing there thinking please god open the fucking doors 'cos I've got 5 mins max before my sphincter explodes open. Then the vibration starts as the ferry's engines start to go into reverse and the fumes from the car engines get up my nose and I realise i've got 5 seconds not 5 mins. It's coming and it's not stopping for, well, shit. I'm in the middle of a crowd and I've no idea where the toilet is. One of my mates sees I'm sweating buckets and have gone really pale and asks what's up. I've gotta go I say and chuck my rucksack at him and turn and start pushing a load of bemused Swedes and Germans out of my way. I reach the edge of the crowd as the first eruption of thick brown sludge emits from my bumhole and then I'm running around an empty ship in a blind panic trying to find a toilet while a lava flow of shit is pouring down my legs. Then I'm spotted by a Greek sailor who starts trying to push me back down to the exit deck and I have to shout in his face I'M SHITTING MYSELF and he doesn't understand but realises I'm desperate for something and gets out of my way. At last I found a toilet only marginally less offensive than the one in Trainspotting. The shit's still flowing out and I'm trying to hover over a smeared toilet seat although why I'm bothering I'm not sure as my arse is caked (although I find you can take some comfort in your own poo, but not anyone else's). Finally it stops and then the realisation hits that there's no toilet paper so I have to embark on the clean up operation with the small patch of my boxers that isn't brown and my t shirt. I'm left with a pair of shit caked (on the inside) cut off Levis and my thankfully untouched converse. I stiff legged off the ferry and find my mates queuing for the bus to take us to the camp site. There's no way I can get on that bus and then the stink hits them and the hilarity starts. I had to go and clean up in the water in the harbour, we miss the bus and have to sleep in a building site and get woken up by a pack of feral dogs sniffing around my jeans that I've dumped.
Worst night of my life.
Swales lives
Well-Known Member
johnmc said:Then bamm, it came, I had no choice and i had no where to go. I had 5 seconds to do something or my strides would be full of the molten mess. So, on the pavement, after a glance back, i pulled my trollies down and let it go. Now anyone who has been in this situation knows that 5 to 10 seconds is all you need. It rifles out and its done. However, as i was squatting, a man walks past me!! I look at him, he looks at me in disgust. However then i realise its my mates dad and this guy is a good mate of my dad, he lives basically on the same road. I actually said "alright tony" to him as i was releasing.
The next day I received a cheer when i walked in the pub. He had told all and sundry. Cheers tony.
The kebab was the best I had tasted btw.
That killed me...."a'right Tony" Classic line.
northstander
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- Joined
- 2 Sep 2008
- Messages
- 537
could happen TOMORROW !!!
simonk
Well-Known Member
good mate of mine had been on a few day bender leading up to the hamburg home game. If you sit halfway along the middle tier of the east stand you might know him. Anyway we get the penalty and his arse decides without proper warning to join in the celebrations. Liquid shit down both legs. When he moved, the outline of his feet were showing in this brown pool.
What you may not know is that he then tried cleaning up in the bogs before going up to the third tier to escape the attention hed been getting.
That lasted about 3 minutes before someone sitting nearby asked his mate if they could smell shit. Theres no escape.
So off he goes over the way to Asda - where he is caught shoplifting a pair of jeans.
When he realised/smelt the situation the security gaurd let him go. I dont think he wanted to come too close to this shitaddled pisscan.
What you may not know is that he then tried cleaning up in the bogs before going up to the third tier to escape the attention hed been getting.
That lasted about 3 minutes before someone sitting nearby asked his mate if they could smell shit. Theres no escape.
So off he goes over the way to Asda - where he is caught shoplifting a pair of jeans.
When he realised/smelt the situation the security gaurd let him go. I dont think he wanted to come too close to this shitaddled pisscan.
aphex said:i puked AND shit at the same time years ago. nothing. not even a blue peter badge.
done this one mate and it quite the achievment. Woke up tender after being on the lash and had my head down the toilet spewing no end, i then uncontrolably started to fill my boxers also. It was horrific and kind of funny at the same time. I was staying at my mates birds so i proceeded into running into there room to show them my then soiled boxers. I forgot and actualy left them at her house aswel!!
Cracking day