jonmcfc
Well-Known Member
Somebody should put these tales of th unsuspectngs in a book i`ve never laughed so much without weed being involved i salute u all
When was the last time you soiled yourself?
- Thread starter bluemonday
- Start date
waterloo blue
Well-Known Member
Years ago when I worked for the Royal Mail,I had to cover for my boss on a disciplinary hearing.
This Welsh postie working just outside Uxbridge, had a case of the trots and knocked on the house he was delivering to next.Just so happens it belongs to Russell Grant(celebrity clairvoyant).
He asks Grant if he can you use his toilet as he's absolutely busting and it's in the middle of nowhere,Grant fucks him off.
So the postie shit on his doorstep,when Grant came out to complain,the postie says to him"you should have seen that coming ,you fat cnut".
Needless to say he was sacked,even though we were all pissing ourselves.
This Welsh postie working just outside Uxbridge, had a case of the trots and knocked on the house he was delivering to next.Just so happens it belongs to Russell Grant(celebrity clairvoyant).
He asks Grant if he can you use his toilet as he's absolutely busting and it's in the middle of nowhere,Grant fucks him off.
So the postie shit on his doorstep,when Grant came out to complain,the postie says to him"you should have seen that coming ,you fat cnut".
Needless to say he was sacked,even though we were all pissing ourselves.
gordondaviesmoustache
Well-Known Member
waterloo blue said:
To be fair if my postman asked if he could shit in my house I would probably be inclined to 'fuck him off'.
Plenty of pubs round Uxbridge for him to use too.
The Swan at Denham has always been a good place to do your business.
So I'm told.
waterloo blue
Well-Known Member
Always prefered the Falcon myself,mind you always had to avoid Cilla's husband Bobby(boring scouse bastard).gordondaviesmoustache said:
gordondaviesmoustache
Well-Known Member
waterloo blue said:
If you thought he was bad you should meet one of her spoilt, feckless and equally boring sons.
So I'm told.
jimharri
Moderator
Cilla or the hubby?waterloo blue said:
Michael Corleone
Well-Known Member
BUMP hahaha.
gaudinho's stolen car
Well-Known Member
Should be in the classics.
Oohvonkyvonky
Well-Known Member
I remember sending this link out to mates of mine who aren't blues - it made me cry most of it! Classic.
gaudinho's stolen car
Well-Known Member
It's been a few months, and it's had a few mentions in the 'Best Ever' thread so I've bumped it. If you haven't read it, do so.
After the semi final win v Rags,had a rake of beer and had to get across London to my uncles in Essex.Train from Liverpool St to 7 kings crawled along interminably and my bladder was bursting long before I could get off,
hence my on the spot dancing by the train doors.Finally the train pulled in
I got off and managed to start leaking on the platform with a flood waring ahead...don't think I have ever had such a long piss,seems like the whole days ales had been sprung out of a barrel.
Had to walk 3 miles to a Tesco,purchase a pair of strides,then go in the bog to swap them with my piss stained jeans to present myself properly at my
uncles residence.
hence my on the spot dancing by the train doors.Finally the train pulled in
I got off and managed to start leaking on the platform with a flood waring ahead...don't think I have ever had such a long piss,seems like the whole days ales had been sprung out of a barrel.
Had to walk 3 miles to a Tesco,purchase a pair of strides,then go in the bog to swap them with my piss stained jeans to present myself properly at my
uncles residence.
Uncle Wally One Ball
Well-Known Member
A couple of summers ago I hurt my back deadlifting in the gym and was put on them diclofenac tablets. The doctor said to be careful as they can give you dodgy guts. It was a nice afternoon so a couple of pints of strongbow turned into a bucket full and i ended up wobbing home about 10pm. Just as the house got in sight I had the dreaded rumble. I had to clench so hard it was hurting. Got up the steps to the house and its like my ass started relaxing. Just as i got the key in the door, i squirted uncontrollably and this loose matter just completely covered my legs, soaked through my shorts and ran into my trainers. Turned round and the old woman opposite had just let the chihauhas out for a piss and had watched the whole thing
A few years ago i pulled this bird in a club and we agreed to go back to her house. Id been on guinness for a couple of days, and when we were walking out of the place I sharted and instantly knew it was not good news. When we got back to her house i knew i had to ditch these kegs. Couldnt stash them in her bathroom bin as it had no lid. I opened the bathroom window and it would only open about 6 inches. I dangled them out and started swinging them to get a bit of momentum to launch them over to next doors garden. I swang em about and let fly, but they went about 2 inches in the air and landed straight on top of her conservatory roof. I nearly died. Shagged her and fucked off before daylight.
A few years ago i pulled this bird in a club and we agreed to go back to her house. Id been on guinness for a couple of days, and when we were walking out of the place I sharted and instantly knew it was not good news. When we got back to her house i knew i had to ditch these kegs. Couldnt stash them in her bathroom bin as it had no lid. I opened the bathroom window and it would only open about 6 inches. I dangled them out and started swinging them to get a bit of momentum to launch them over to next doors garden. I swang em about and let fly, but they went about 2 inches in the air and landed straight on top of her conservatory roof. I nearly died. Shagged her and fucked off before daylight.
Ancient Citizen
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loui_mcfc said:
This reminds me of that joke, when after 13 pints of Guinness my mate hopped over a garden fence in the dead of night to relieve himself. He looked down after a massive shit and saw nothing, but was too pissed to investigate further. Next morning he discovered his wallet missing and went back to the house and started rummaging around, only for the owner to appear shouting, ''What the fuck are you doing?''
''Oh, sorry, my mate was messing about last night and I think he might have thrown my wallet over your fence.''
''Oh, ok, only last night, some twat came in here and shat on our tortoise, it came in this morning looking like a vikings helmet.''
Didsbury Dave
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Uncle Wally One Ball said:
It's fucking pathetic that people feel the need to make stuff up on these type of thread. Is it not too much to ask to be honest?
Your story is an old urban myth.
Uncle Wally One Ball
Well-Known Member
Ah, Dismal Dave. What a very odd thing to say. Those incident are absolutely 100% true and happened exactly as described, i swear to god.
Didsbury Dave
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Uncle Wally One Ball said:
Don't tell me.
You woke up and your kidneys had been removed. Then on your way a strange Arab man told you not to go near to the World Trade Centre on September 11th,
Uncle Wally One Ball
Well-Known Member
Yawn. No mate, think you've got this all wrong.
casualdeyna
Well-Known Member
I’m ashamed to say I’ve done this twice and had a few near misses too, when I got to go I really have to go, and as my fiancée could testify “you have to get out of the effing toilets now” if I’m in need!
Most recent time was after the FA cup win last year, was drinking all day and night, champagne and mixing all kinds of drinks. Next day I awoke to the mother of all hangovers, could hardly move and lay in bed for a good half an hour stark bollock naked doing naff all but remembering we’d won a cup. Luckily she was downstairs doing something and I was lay on my front when I decided to let one go. Immediately thought it didn’t feel right and it audibly gargled. So I had to do the acid test, felt round to my arse and I had done the deed and it was delicately balancing in my crack and top of my legs. Remembering there was bog roll not too far from the bed I started edging towards it, careful not to alter the angle of my arse and have it escape all over the bed. Managed to reach it, clean up, get to the bathroom and shower without any spillage and without her knowing, result!
First time will live with me forever, used to walk to high school (good hour walk) so that I could save my bus fare and spend usually on cigs. One morning got half way to school and thought “OK not funny now, really have to go” it was too early for any pubs or anything be open, my only hope was a petrol station about 15 walk from my destination. Walked in and explained politely how I was touching cloth and really needed to go, but was told “soz it’s for staff only mate.” I said I know but pleaded hoping he would feel for me and bend the rules, “I won’t even do a full one mate, just one to take the top off it” but he wasn’t for budging. Got arsey and started having a go but it was wasting time, I had to go for it.
Got all the way down this long road walking like a penguin holding my cheeks together just to make sure and was in sight of school and remember thinking “I’ve made it” just as my arse said “Oh really?” and decided it wasn’t hanging on any longer. I remember standing in the street, about 8.30 in the morning with cars going past while I just stood there horrifyingly curling one out inside my boxers in total shock. “I’ve just shat myself, I can’t believe I’ve just shat myself”.
Got in to school and went straight for the bogs, no bins to chuck the boxers away and the cistern was behind a wall so I had no choice, flush the f*ckers!! I did what I could cleaning myself up, I should really have gone straight home but my parents paid for me to go to this school and I was already in trouble for “sickies” so I thought I’ll stick it out. Soon as I walked in to first lesson (French) and sat down, now commando, someone said “F*cking hell it stinks of sh*t in here.” All I could do is play along, “f*cking hell yeah has someone shat themselves, I bet it’s him the dirty bast...” He got stick for shatting himself for the rest of the day and for months afterwards, felt a bit bad but it was him or me!!
Most recent time was after the FA cup win last year, was drinking all day and night, champagne and mixing all kinds of drinks. Next day I awoke to the mother of all hangovers, could hardly move and lay in bed for a good half an hour stark bollock naked doing naff all but remembering we’d won a cup. Luckily she was downstairs doing something and I was lay on my front when I decided to let one go. Immediately thought it didn’t feel right and it audibly gargled. So I had to do the acid test, felt round to my arse and I had done the deed and it was delicately balancing in my crack and top of my legs. Remembering there was bog roll not too far from the bed I started edging towards it, careful not to alter the angle of my arse and have it escape all over the bed. Managed to reach it, clean up, get to the bathroom and shower without any spillage and without her knowing, result!
First time will live with me forever, used to walk to high school (good hour walk) so that I could save my bus fare and spend usually on cigs. One morning got half way to school and thought “OK not funny now, really have to go” it was too early for any pubs or anything be open, my only hope was a petrol station about 15 walk from my destination. Walked in and explained politely how I was touching cloth and really needed to go, but was told “soz it’s for staff only mate.” I said I know but pleaded hoping he would feel for me and bend the rules, “I won’t even do a full one mate, just one to take the top off it” but he wasn’t for budging. Got arsey and started having a go but it was wasting time, I had to go for it.
Got all the way down this long road walking like a penguin holding my cheeks together just to make sure and was in sight of school and remember thinking “I’ve made it” just as my arse said “Oh really?” and decided it wasn’t hanging on any longer. I remember standing in the street, about 8.30 in the morning with cars going past while I just stood there horrifyingly curling one out inside my boxers in total shock. “I’ve just shat myself, I can’t believe I’ve just shat myself”.
Got in to school and went straight for the bogs, no bins to chuck the boxers away and the cistern was behind a wall so I had no choice, flush the f*ckers!! I did what I could cleaning myself up, I should really have gone straight home but my parents paid for me to go to this school and I was already in trouble for “sickies” so I thought I’ll stick it out. Soon as I walked in to first lesson (French) and sat down, now commando, someone said “F*cking hell it stinks of sh*t in here.” All I could do is play along, “f*cking hell yeah has someone shat themselves, I bet it’s him the dirty bast...” He got stick for shatting himself for the rest of the day and for months afterwards, felt a bit bad but it was him or me!!
TommoCTID
Well-Known Member
MCFC BOB
Well-Known Member
I was feeling a bit ill last week, but having been invited out for an all you can eat Chinese I thought I'd go out anyway.
Mistake.
Had the food, felt an arse twinge. Paced home and just about made it in time.
Mistake.
Had the food, felt an arse twinge. Paced home and just about made it in time.