When was the last time you soiled yourself?

MCFC BOB said:
I was feeling a bit ill last week, but having been invited out for an all you can eat Chinese I thought I'd go out anyway.

Mistake.

Had the food, felt an arse twinge. Paced home and just about made it in time.
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So you didn't soil yourself?

Bit like posting about the time you missed an open net in a greatest goal you ever scored thread.
 
Went to Turkey a couple years ago, had a fry-up for breakfast, anyhoo, 6 pints and a fry-up later, I'm running back to the hotel as I think I'm going to be sick, get outside my room when a volcano errupts from my arse,I soil myself and for the next 4 hours I'm sat sobering up on the toilet.
 
djelanomcfc said:
bluereddish said:
***BUMP***BUMP***BUMP***BUMP***BUMP***BUMP

You're not going to like this

<a class="postlink" href="http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191&CJAID=10409403&CJPID=3727850" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthrea ... ID=3727850</a>
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What you have done there is open up a whole new world of wierd and disgusting threads. These few top anything that's ever been done of this forum before.

<a class="postlink" href="http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=118669751" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthrea ... =118669751</a>

<a class="postlink" href="http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=118669751&page=2" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthrea ... 751&page=2</a>

<a class="postlink" href="http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=121076391&page=12" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthrea ... 91&page=12</a>

<a class="postlink" href="http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthrea ... =120921191</a>
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None of them are readable anymore. What were they?
 
crizack said:
after already posting on here, i remember a guy i knew a couple of years ago when i was on my mechanic apprentice...actually as im typing this i've just thought of another one HAHA!..he had a new conservatory done and his missus invited her best mate and boyfriend round for dinner or whatever, anyway, their sat in the conservatory having some drinks when their friend says she needs the toilet, she's up there for about 10 minutes or so and they can here her flushing the chain again and again, then suddenly...SPLAT! my shaun looked up to see a mixture of toilet roll and shit on his newconservatory roof, and his missus and the girls boyfriend are sat there in utter shock, apparently she had blocked the toilet from a propper banger then when it wouldn't flush, she's threw it out of the bathroom window in a direction that woul look like it's been thrown over from somewhere else...totally forgetting that they had just had a fucking conservatory fitted and she they were sat in there.

HAHA

and another one was this valeter had asked me to look at his video camera because he wanted me to fix the screen on it...whilst i was saving all the videos from it onto my computer, i couldn't help but see what appeared to be his wife (seen her on a works do and if you had ever seen her, you's never forget her aswell) naked. so i thought ''fuck this'' an gave it a look. one of the worst mistakes of my life. he was videoing her undressing and standing on a glass table, you could clearly hear him grunting and moaning then all of a sudden, he was videoing her SHITTING on top of it from underneath. i washed my hands soon after i realised i had touched something he had and handled the camera with marigolds after that. when i took it in to hand it back, he even ask me if i hadn't deleted the vid of his wife because he was gonna upload it to the net.


dirty fucker!
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Hahahah, i think thats referred to as a "Cold Karl".
Cold Karl - Glass table
Warm Karl - Cling film over your face
Hot Karl - No protection, shit right in the face
 
During my teen years i was seeing a girl from the next town and took a 20 min bus ride a few times a week to see her, we was only together around 4 weeks so we hadn't quite reached farting stage. It was a friday night and id had a few beers with the lads and got the bus through around 10 when my stomach started feeling a bit iffy, a few violent air benders later i felt good as new and put it to the back of my mind once there i had a few more beers when i got that feeling again so i clenched like hell and suppressed the onslaught, a few minutes later we started having a bit of a wrestle on the bed when i had a magical idea to frog splash her from on top of her desk chair as i landed on her with my stomach the loudest most vile fart iv ever heard from anyone or anything escaped my arse which seemed to go on for an eternity, our eyes met as the sound took a turn for the worse into a distinct squelching we both just laid there in complete silence except from the explosion coming out of my trousers. her eyes gave me a questioning look as if to say are you doing what i think your doing? and as i looked back i knew it was the end of us and i had to walk 2 miles home covered in shit.
 
kye1991 said:
During my teen years i was seeing a girl from the next town and took a 20 min bus ride a few times a week to see her, we was only together around 4 weeks so we hadn't quite reached farting stage. It was a friday night and id had a few beers with the lads and got the bus through around 10 when my stomach started feeling a bit iffy, a few violent air benders later i felt good as new and put it to the back of my mind once there i had a few more beers when i got that feeling again so i clenched like hell and suppressed the onslaught, a few minutes later we started having a bit of a wrestle on the bed when i had a magical idea to frog splash her from on top of her desk chair as i landed on her with my stomach the loudest most vile fart iv ever heard from anyone or anything escaped my arse which seemed to go on for an eternity, our eyes met as the sound took a turn for the worse into a distinct squelching we both just laid there in complete silence except from the explosion coming out of my trousers. her eyes gave me a questioning look as if to say are you doing what i think your doing? and as i looked back i knew it was the end of us and i had to walk 2 miles home covered in shit.
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it's the way you tell 'em

(poetry in motion)
 
read this forum shit load of times ha ha
and now its happened.........

I drive stupid amount of miles, I try to avoid going toilet too early otherwise I end up stopping loads. Love a bandit too so can be an expensive piss/shit/both. Ive met an old mate on Thursday in London, catch up in Spoons and rude not to get involved in the curry night.....anyway Ste orders summat well gay so I go for the hottest one......Welsh something or other if my memorys right. Its hot but not stupid and i polish the lot off. Say our goodbyes and get back to hotel for a sleep. Wake up right as rain, farts wreak but thats normal and set off........
Services are a mile and 16 mile........
16 mile......15 mins ???? I need a shit but i can wait....... and next ones got a greggs.....carry on........
then..... a huge red glow........a million brake lights......its 6am for fuck sake..... i know im in trouble here.....
20 mins later, 3 feet done.......
Im hot, really hot...... thinking of a plan.....
im scared to fart
no hard shoulder grass to speak of, 3 metres of tarmac.....
fuck
right ive got it.......im going down hard shoulder....... that whiskey nose **** got away with it....
nightmare getting over but do it, start off. Put hazards on, dunno why ?
Then.... a caravan..... no longer connected to car. ive got tools, il help ?
I get out and a farts coming, no stopping it, let it out slow but i know straight away its not right, if your gonna be a bear you may as well be a grizzly bear...... I let the rest of the fart out.......i see brown slurry on my socks !

back of van, alot of blue roll, gets changed, discards soiled stuff, Back to Manchester
 
Wow, you absolute heathens!

I don't have a first-hand story (thankfully) but I'll never forget the time my brother crapped all over the poshest hotel I've ever stayed in. One of my cousins from the snobby part of the family (darn sarf) was getting married - We were all put up in this hotel where me and our kid found ourselves drinking free beer in an otherwise deserted bar. That went well, but no one suffers a hangover quite like my brother. Later that morning I was awoken by him requesting a bog roll - He'd climbed outside for some fresh air, decided he couldn't climb back in without shitting himself so there it was... being overlooked by maybe 50 other rooms.

Couple of hours later I'm in the lobby with everyone saying their goodbyes when our kid, the legend, comes rushing through, barging everyone out the way, dashes outside and shites all over the pretty flowers, again!

When the other cousin from that same family got married, only our parents got an invite.
 
Never soiled myself but nye 2001 wasted + kebab + stay at gf (now ex) parents = shitting in the bath. We got back after a decent night, I needed a shit. Pissed up went looking for the bathroom - I found it. Now growing up I never had the toilet in a side room next to the bath room, what a stupid idea. So pissed up and confused that there is only a sink and a bath I put my ass over the side of the bath and curled one out. Went bed and was rudely awoken in the morning by her mum screaming....
 
Not sure if entirely true but here's what my aunt told me. She and her sister stayed winters in Gran Canaria to get away from the polar hell-hole which is Norway. Being long-time residents they were accustomed to the local bacterial fauna but not everyone else at the hotel was. A gentleman they struck up conversation with told them how he had got the sudden shits of the explosive kind one day in his hotel-room. Reportedly of the kind that you know you don't even have the necessary seconds to cross the floor and reach toilet haven. But being a quick-witted fellow he grabbed a nearby sock and managed to dump the major parts of his bowels content into it. Some spillage but major disaster averted it would seem. Now for the sock filled to the brim he just as quickly reasoned it would have to go and as luck would have it he had a room facing the backyard of the hotel. A quick overhead swing like a true warrior with his slingshot and out it went. Then he realizes the sock actually had a little hole in it and he has managed to paint the walls and floor with some very decorative stripes of purest brown. According to my aunt the maid at the hotel had refused the extra tip for cleaning up the mess, all she wanted was for him to tell how the hell he had managed to to do that.
 
went to the kids sports day a couple of years ago, got there a it early so just sat in car waiting. Got the cramps, buttocks tightly clenched with the missus laughing her head off as i'm pleading with her for something to dump my load in, she passes me a carrier bag,tescos I think, which I place on my drivers seat,drop my kecks and start shitting in it as school kids are passing 30 yards away and the missus in hysterics outside the car. Deciding the right thing to do was take slop filled bag home clean up and get back asap,so with my mess in the passenger footwell the missus gets in the back of the car and puts her head inside her jacket to avoid the stench, her jacket not providing adequate protection she then throws up with her head in her jacket, at this point i'm feeling much better and able to return the laughter, still haven't told the kids why we missed their first race
 
right ive got it.......im going down hard shoulder....... that whiskey nose **** got away with it....

No matter how many times I revisit this thread this line never fails to make me laugh.
 
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