When was the last time you soiled yourself?

[BlueinCumbria]

Right – not really soiling but definitely a funny one! Just happened to me today.

Picture the scene – we have a big lass that works in our office and by big I mean one of those women that always goes on about diets but everytime you look at her she’s eating a mars bar and saying she’s on a brown week. This woman told me she was on a new diet fad which involves only eating round things! You know – apples, oranges etc etc I then caught her at the vending machine eating some chocolate buttons! Unbelievable she is. Anyway, I digress!

I went outside for a fag and was on my way back into the building and saw big girl heading up the u shaped staircase, which is where I was going. I held back because I have this vision that if I get too close I will get a whiff of her nether regions and believe me, big girls fat trout is something I could do without sniffing!

Anyway as I got to the bottom of the stairs she was waltzing around the u bend onto the final flight. I stepped onto the first step and I heard this almighty release of anus gas. This came from the pit of her guts and as she knew no-one was behind her she followed up this first blast with a tiny ripper which was obviously a push through from the first. Well it sounded like when you blow over the top of a can! I burst out laughing and carried on my walk – she was standing at the top of the stairs as red as the rag shirt and I am not joking the stench was like the Yorvik Viking centre in York (if you’ve been you’ll know what I mean)

Vile!

 

[mauriziogaudino]

Now then, I was reading this all week last week, and nearly shitting myself (pardon the pun) laughing, so here is my sorry tale.

Last Saturday I went to Blackpool to have a bit of tea and see the lights, me, the four kiddies, my Missus and the inlaws, we were in two cars.

Before we went at around 4pm, I went for a poo in the comfort of my own bathroom and I thought something wasn't right, however we all set off for Blackpool anyway and I didn't mention to anyone about my 'problems'.

Anyway I was on the motorway and the old stomach started rumbling just as we were passing the last services before Blackpool, you know, the one near Botany Bay or whatever it is called. I did a fart in the car and weirdly it didn't smell, although I knew I was in trouble.

When we got to Blackpool I was in absolute agony and we ended up parking right close to Blackpool's ground. I got out of the car and had to tell everyone I wasn't well. I then hobbled off to the travel lodge at the front of the ground as quick as I could muster, with the whole family laughing at me.

Eventually I found the entrance to the hotel and ran in. Into the bar, no bog, ran down a corridor and saw a sign for the toilet, by the stage my arsehole is doing fifty p, five p and it feels like my bowels are ready to throw up. I get to a door that looks like it leads to rooms as you need a keycard to get in. At this point I am really panicking, the door opens and I am running down this corridor to find the bog.

At this point the old sphincter gives up on me, so knowing there are no bogs on the corridor, I come back the way I came and eventually find the toilet in a little alcove, so I try the mens, its busy, so I try the womens and relief.

I absolutely demolished my boxers and these had to be put in the bin in the bogs, after wiping my arse on them as the bog roll had ran out.

Got back to the family, and only told my Missus the complete story, that I was commando, who spent the rest of the day laughing at me.

I couldn't believe it happened after laughing at everyone else on here.

 

[djelanomcfc]

Right – not really soiling but definitely a funny one! Just happened to me today.

Picture the scene – we have a big lass that works in our office and by big I mean one of those women that always goes on about diets but everytime you look at her she’s eating a mars bar and saying she’s on a brown week. This woman told me she was on a new diet fad which involves only eating round things! You know – apples, oranges etc etc I then caught her at the vending machine eating some chocolate buttons! Unbelievable she is. Anyway, I digress!

I went outside for a fag and was on my way back into the building and saw big girl heading up the u shaped staircase, which is where I was going. I held back because I have this vision that if I get too close I will get a whiff of her nether regions and believe me, big girls fat trout is something I could do without sniffing!

Anyway as I got to the bottom of the stairs she was waltzing around the u bend onto the final flight. I stepped onto the first step and I heard this almighty release of anus gas. This came from the pit of her guts and as she knew no-one was behind her she followed up this first blast with a tiny ripper which was obviously a push through from the first. Well it sounded like when you blow over the top of a can! I burst out laughing and carried on my walk – she was standing at the top of the stairs as red as the rag shirt and I am not joking the stench was like the Yorvik Viking centre in York (if you’ve been you’ll know what I mean)

Vile!

Repulsive!

 

[Freestyler]

Just now nearly, been lettin rip for a good 2 hours now, well i'm sat here and i let another out but really force it out, it smelt worse than ever and even the cat put her head up, looked at me and walked out the room, let another off and just after it come out i felt a rumble, i leg it to the toilet and just as i drop my undercrackers it hit the water so hard it come back up and nearly soaked me.

Why is it that when you get 10 yards away from the bog your arse kind of knows your nearly there and it suddenly rushes?

 

[BlueBeenie]

On a big family/friends holiday for 2 weeks in France my guts gave up after week 1. Pretty much everyone in our family likes a drink as do my mates and after a week long battering off jugs of stella during the day and cheap wine at night the end finally came while I was playing badminton with a mate.

"you've got some shit on your leg" she says, not meaning literally. I had a look and was wondering what the hell it was when my shorts leaked a bit more out, I soon realised I'd lost any form of control over my arse and my stomach was turning anything entering into a black green sludge that probably did more damage to the ozone layer than China.

That was the first time, I wont go into the other 2 that day before I managed to get some medicine to bung me up, fucking horrible and hugely embarrassing, ending up with me uttering the words that haunt me for the rest of my life from my mates who came with us...

aawwwwww not again

 

[maineroad68]

love this thread. was telling some of the tales on here to people and work and one bloke told me about a not strictly soiling (new BBC show perhaps?) tale, but no less vile and excruciating than some on here.

he got off with a girl one night and on the way back to her's, stopped off and got pie chips and gravy. got back to hers, things start hotting up on the couch but he can feel his guts start churning and things are not looking good. he can feel his chippy supper coming up and threatening to spew from his gob. anyway, she excuses herslef to go to the toilet and he decides he can't ruin her expensive looking carpet, plus he was too pissed and stressed to think of the obvious run to the kitchen and park his tiger in the sink, so he tucks his t- shirt in his jeans pulls the collar/neck away from himself and pukes his guts up in his custom made sick bag. Back comes the girl, so he gets a cushion, puts it in front of himself to hide his vomit stained, expanded t shirt and proceeds to pick up where they left off. within seconds as she moves closer, the cushion presses against the sloshing mass of puke and pushes it up causing it to erupt out of the top of his shirt and flow like a volcano all over her. needless to say, he never saw her again.

he couldn't explain to me how things even got started again once she returned. surely she must have known something was up when she got with 5 metres and got hit by the stench!!! he said she was pissed too. she soon sobered up though!!!

 

[crizack]

after already posting on here, i remember a guy i knew a couple of years ago when i was on my mechanic apprentice...actually as im typing this i've just thought of another one HAHA!..he had a new conservatory done and his missus invited her best mate and boyfriend round for dinner or whatever, anyway, their sat in the conservatory having some drinks when their friend says she needs the toilet, she's up there for about 10 minutes or so and they can here her flushing the chain again and again, then suddenly...SPLAT! my shaun looked up to see a mixture of toilet roll and shit on his newconservatory roof, and his missus and the girls boyfriend are sat there in utter shock, apparently she had blocked the toilet from a propper banger then when it wouldn't flush, she's threw it out of the bathroom window in a direction that woul look like it's been thrown over from somewhere else...totally forgetting that they had just had a fucking conservatory fitted and she they were sat in there.

HAHA

and another one was this valeter had asked me to look at his video camera because he wanted me to fix the screen on it...whilst i was saving all the videos from it onto my computer, i couldn't help but see what appeared to be his wife (seen her on a works do and if you had ever seen her, you's never forget her aswell) naked. so i thought ''fuck this'' an gave it a look. one of the worst mistakes of my life. he was videoing her undressing and standing on a glass table, you could clearly hear him grunting and moaning then all of a sudden, he was videoing her SHITTING on top of it from underneath. i washed my hands soon after i realised i had touched something he had and handled the camera with marigolds after that. when i took it in to hand it back, he even ask me if i hadn't deleted the vid of his wife because he was gonna upload it to the net.


dirty fucker!

 

[lostmyhouseski]

*ahem* last year as a matter of fact- we were back in england attending a posh wedding down in oxfordshire. one of those tent marquee deals in their backyard, which was adjacent to the local cricket oval. was the same weekend as silverstone GP so accomodation was at a premium and hence many wedding goers camped on the oval. wedding was fantastic, plenty of good fare, everyone ended up back in the old mans bar that he had set up inside the house.

by this time things were getting well out of hand, i had already had 2 pints of old ale spilt on the new tuxedo and the wifey was indicating it was time to depart. we were booked into a b&b 9 miles away and the wife had called a taxi to pick us up.taxi arrived onto the oval so i thoughtas ill be feeling rough as fuck tomorrow i wanna make sure i have my toiletries and some fresh clothes for the morning. wifey got into the cab while i went foraging in the dark in the back of our hire car for things that felt like a toothbrush, shirt etc. ridiculously pissed at this stage, the pitch black not helping me out and couldnt even turn the interior light on.

after more futile searching i felt my guts rumbling like mad and a few stabbing pains. must be the posh nosh i figured, my low-middle class digestive system not used to such delectable excesses. facing 9 lonely miles to our b&b i thought i had better pass wind now to steady myself for the journey. so i leant further into the car to release the internal hostilities-only to feel the hot wet rush engulf my boxers and trickle down my pants.by this time i had been p*ssing about for a good few minutes, the cabbie was getting arsey at my wife and she in turn was none to pleased with me- abusing me out the window to hurry the f*ck up, to which all i could reply was 'clare ive just f^cking shat myself!'.yes all the campers had heard that outburst, which i didnt realise at the time, hastily dropping my pants , slipping some fresh ones on and getting in the cab, highly embarrassed.

got some pretty funny looks the next day when we returned for lunch, only to see my soiled underpants abandoned in the field next to a few remaining tents.i must have chucked them on the other side of the car in my haste.and my mate confirmed that some of the campers had relayed the story already.i may not go back to oxfordshire for a while :(

 

[masterwig]

Classic thread surely?

 

[danny21manc]

bumpage....this needs to be moved to the classics.

I just had to google... ''when was the last time you soiled yourself''.