When was the last time you soiled yourself?

I got a case of the old loose bowels back at Swansea away in May.

I didn't actually deposit any warmth into my brecks, but let me tell you this - we were in a pub in Port Talbot and the fucking bog doors don't have English signs on em. Had to channel my non existent inner Welshman and gamble on the Welsh word for 'gents'. If anyone finds themselves in a state of gastric distress whilst in the walls of the Lord Caradoc, the golden word is 'Dynion'.
 
I was in year 9 I think, had mi mums curry the night before and had a funny tummy all day. Anyway, first break I ran to the toilet and was pretty much sat on it for the whole break. Never took a shit in school, this was my first time so I got laughed at by mates. I thought the deed had been done and I was good for the day. I got into music class which was just after break. I leaned over to pick up some books and farted, no one was near me so I thought I'd gotten away with it. I go and sit back down and feel this warm, squishy thing just covering my arse and top of my legs. I knew I'd shit myself but was too embarrassed to move. Luckily I was sat on my own on a table (I was a naughty fucker), so I got my phone out of my pocket and started to secretly text my dad and tell him I'd shit myself and wanted to come home.

Anyway the teacher caught me with my phone and took it off me, without me knowing if my dad had got the text/or if he had replied. So I sat there for about 30 minutes stinking of curry shit, when the door opened and a teacher was like "Lewis, please could you come with me?". I slowly walked over to her and out the door, and my dad was stood there with a clean pair of boxers. The teacher took us into her office (still embarrassed to tell her I'd proper shit myself and it was leaking down my legs at this point) and she sat both me an my dad down. After about 15 minutes talking and stinking out the office, she said I could go home. So I ended up going to the PE showers and washing it all off me and put some lost and found PE shorts on, before I got into my dads car. Still didn't get my phone back for 3 days, tossers.
 
lewisMCFC said:
I was in year 9 I think, had mi mums curry the night before and had a funny tummy all day. Anyway, first break I ran to the toilet and was pretty much sat on it for the whole break. Never took a shit in school, this was my first time so I got laughed at by mates. I thought the deed had been done and I was good for the day. I got into music class which was just after break. I leaned over to pick up some books and farted, no one was near me so I thought I'd gotten away with it. I go and sit back down and feel this warm, squishy thing just covering my arse and top of my legs. I knew I'd shit myself but was too embarrassed to move. Luckily I was sat on my own on a table (I was a naughty fucker), so I got my phone out of my pocket and started to secretly text my dad and tell him I'd shit myself and wanted to come home.

Anyway the teacher caught me with my phone and took it off me, without me knowing if my dad had got the text/or if he had replied. So I sat there for about 30 minutes stinking of curry shit, when the door opened and a teacher was like "Lewis, please could you come with me?". I slowly walked over to her and out the door, and my dad was stood there with a clean pair of boxers. The teacher took us into her office (still embarrassed to tell her I'd proper shit myself and it was leaking down my legs at this point) and she sat both me an my dad down. After about 15 minutes talking and stinking out the office, she said I could go home. So I ended up going to the PE showers and washing it all off me and put some lost and found PE shorts on, before I got into my dads car. Still didn't get my phone back for 3 days, tossers.
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Its cruel that she made you wait so long really
 
I was in Manhattan in the summer of 2002 visiting my mate with his sister who was my bird at the time. It was fuckng boiling. He lived in a high rise block on the Upper East Side. It was the morning after a monumental session. I remember being in some bar drinking kamikazis for a dollar a go. As a result I puked up all over the sinks in the bogs before getting chucked out. I remember being on his bog the following morning just having a dump and everything seemed normal, until my bollocks started getting wet. I thought 'what the fuck', looked down and saw the bog water rising fast between my legs and also what looked like a shipwrecked submarine poking out of the bowl. The fucker must have been a world record. I swear it was a solid one piecer that was touching a foot and a half long.

A commotion must have ensued because the next thing I knew, my bird, bollock naked, was stood there looking at the bog that was now overflowing onto the bathroom floor and a shit that didn't look dissimilar to the Chrysler Building trying to climb out of the bog. We were both now splashing round in bog piss water thinking what the fuck do we do.

Credit to her, she disappeared for a second then came back in with the worlds greasiest frying pan. She landed the fucker like a fish in a landing net. The sight of her standing there with a frying pan with the worlds biggest shit on it will never leave me, even though it's 15yrs ago now. I found a carrier bag in the hallway, she tipped it in, tied the handles together then lobbed the fucker out of the window, never to be seen again. The clean up operation took ages.

She was a good girl. Proper filthy. Good times.
 
Kinkladze 1 said:
I was in Manhattan in the summer of 2002 visiting my mate with his sister who was my bird at the time. It was fuckng boiling. He lived in a high rise block on the Upper East Side. It was the morning after a monumental session. I remember being in some bar drinking kamikazis for a dollar a go. As a result I puked up all over the sinks in the bogs before getting chucked out. I remember being on his bog the following morning just having a dump and everything seemed normal, until my bollocks started getting wet. I thought 'what the fuck', looked down and saw the bog water rising fast between my legs and also what looked like a shipwrecked submarine poking out of the bowl. The fucker must have been a world record. I swear it was a solid one piecer that was touching a foot and a half long.

A commotion must have ensued because the next thing I knew, my bird, bollock naked, was stood there looking at the bog that was now overflowing onto the bathroom floor and a shit that didn't look dissimilar to the Chrysler Building trying to climb out of the bog. We were both now splashing round in bog piss water thinking what the fuck do we do.

Credit to her, she disappeared for a second then came back in with the worlds greasiest frying pan. She landed the fucker like a fish in a landing net. The sight of her standing there with a frying pan with the worlds biggest shit on it will never leave me, even though it's 15yrs ago now. I found a carrier bag in the hallway, she tipped it in, tied the handles together then lobbed the fucker out of the window, never to be seen again. The clean up operation took ages.

She was a good girl. Proper filthy. Good times.
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That's gold! And very well told. I expect you've dined out on that story many times. Hilarious.
 
Just read this and hurt myself laughing, you bastard

I hope it's true it's so grotesque. I shall never think of the |Chrysler building in the same way again.

A turd in a frying pan. Bloody hell. No sausages for me today then.
 
I'm not sure if I've already posted in this thread, but even if I have, it deserves to be said again.

A mate of mine (probably about 19/20 at the time) got absolutely battered at a house party a few years ago. Totally hammered, it was incredible. He shit himself and passed out downstairs, so a few of us had to hold our breath carry him up to the toilet and throw him in the bath. We turned the shower on, stuck it down his trousers and left him in there, bath filling up with brown water. Took about an hour for the water to turn clean. Nasty stuff, but honestly one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Personally, I've not shit myself since I was about 6 because I'm normal.
 
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I was ill a couple of weeks ago and farted hard and had to run upstairs!

It looked like Chinese curry sauce and fallen into my Primarni undies.
 
Christmas day night 1988. 16 year old and still at school.. went to my mates mams party after the pub and necked half a pint of brandy for a dare. Went home couldn't get in, absolutely smashed.. woke up early hours in the dogs basket in the shed with shit everywhere! At about 4 am I'm in my garden with no pants on, washing them in the fish pond. At that moment the light went on..luckily it was mi mam.. I eventually got to bed ill as fuck..Door went about 9. It was my mate Batesy picking me up for the Stoke away match. I tried to blow it but my dad made me get up and go. As I was getting ready I heard 'SHEILA' That fucking dogs shit all over the garden ! That was my cue to get the fuck out. Never have I been as ill trevelling to the Victoria ground that day. When I got home at night my mam give me a right going at and said the poor dogs being starved for 2 says because your dad thinks he's got a virus. Great days :-/
 
When I was two and a half. Who gives Guinness to a toddler? Mum was so left field.

Is it an age thing, or have the shiters always done it?
 
bluemonday said:
I was out on the lash thursday, friday & saturday, and on sunday afternoon I took my new bird out for lunch (been seeing her for 2 weeks), I was sat at the table while she went to the ladies. While she was gone I thought I'd squeeze a fart out. Well some kind of weird shit-bubble exploded in my jeans and splashed up my lower-back, it stunk to high heaven and it stained my kecks and the bottom of my tshirt.

So i thought bollox this and just left. Went home showered and tried to ring her, but she didn't answer and she hasn't rang me since. I suppose thats the romance over. I'm not arsed really though, at least she won't be able to tell her/my mates that I shit meself.
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There’s a sad love song in that tale. Country and Western obviously

But For A Wet Fart, She Could Have Been My Bride.

Just imagine a jangly guitar intro.
 
I was in hospital 12 months ago and needed crutches to get about after a knee replacement. One morning I felt an urgent need and started out slowly for the gents.

Too late. It started to come out relentlessly in semi-liquid form down and through my pyjamas, and made a trail of faeces along the hospital corridor floor to the gents......I had to have my pyjama trousers destroyed, and received a nice new orange pair from the staff. A male nurse came to my bed afterwards and gave me an intimate wash with a flannel and a bowl of warm water.

The next time i looked, the corridor floor was lovely and clean - some poor nurses would have had to wipe it all up.

Who'd be a nurse? I did feel embarrassed, though.

I'd had the hospital porridge for breakfast that morning, but I made damn sure I never had it again.
 
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