When was the last time you soiled yourself?

[ibbo_mcfc]

You dirty fucking bastard. You putting Kegs on ebay ???

 

[Anonymous]

i puked AND shit at the same time years ago. nothing. not even a blue peter badge.

PMSL!

I've never done it at the same time but I've quickly alternated between the 2.

The trick is to be sick first then shit. If there's any splashback to be had then sick/arse beats shit/face everytime!

he he. believe me. forget salvia... its a life changing experience.

 

[simonr555]

On the way to Uig ferry port after a night out. There were 5 of us squashed up in the car. Me and my mate had been out the night before and got straight in the car. After an awful breakfast in Hamilton we carried on to Fort William for a toilet break which was well needed. 10 minutes after leaving Fort William and nothing enroute for the next 2 hours I suddenly had the urge to sneeze and as I concentrated so hard on doing so when I finally did a little fart slipped out. Well, that wasn't all that slipped out... I had to sit on a newspaper for the next 2 hours and then had to hang about in my shitty underwear for at least 6 more hours. That was not a pleasant experience!

 

[Always Ali]

I was out on the lash thursday, friday & saturday, and on sunday afternoon I took my new bird out for lunch (been seeing her for 2 weeks), I was sat at the table while she went to the ladies. While she was gone I thought I'd squeeze a fart out. Well some kind of weird shit-bubble exploded in my jeans and splashed up my lower-back, it stunk to high heaven and it stained my kecks and the bottom of my tshirt.

So i thought bollox this and just left. Went home showered and tried to ring her, but she didn't answer and she hasn't rang me since. I suppose thats the romance over. I'm not arsed really though, at least she won't be able to tell her/my mates that I shit meself.

LMFAO - Funniest thing i have read in a long time quality thread!

 

[tmouseman]

Did it myself a couple of years back.
I was well pissed and bonking this woman that I didn't really fancy but as I said I was steamed.
Half way through I really needed a piss so excused myself and went for a piss.
Because I had a hard-on that wouldn't go down I really strained but still couldn't piss (is it just me or do all of us have this problem?). Anyway I did not realise that while straining I had shat a marble of poo that was around my brown eye. Went back to try the act again but sat on her duvet and pancaked the marble. This really stunk and couldn't hide it so had to admit it which really spoiled the mood.
I left red faced while she was stuffing the duvet cover in the wash.

Still see the girl because she is a friend of my sister.
Never been invited back to her house again.

 

[Didsbury Dave]

I had a close call on the M62 a few months back. There should be a service-station between Hartshead Moor and Birch IMO. I got "the rumble" and knew that all was not good not long after passing Hartshead Moor. Actually pulled onto the hard shoulder to squat at the side of the car, but the passing lorries beeping their encouragement as they passed me didn't help. Got back into the car, now thinking that I could make it to Birch. The next ten miles were covered in a time that would make Lewis Hamilton proud and I dumped the car as close to the front doors as possible, in a disabled bay and waddled in with my buttocks as tightly clenched as possible and "prepping" myself, whilst my girlfriend was left in the car doubled-up with laughter.
why is it that your arse knows you're getting closer to a toilet and cannot wait ten seconds longer ?

Now that is a brilliant post mate.

I laughed at the lorry drivers, I laughed at your girlfriend and I nodded in agreement at the fact that your brain intuitively knows you are close.

However, the brain can be fooled if there is an unforeseen barrier between you and the toliet during that final leg. It once happened to me.

I had flown home from a holiday in Jamaica. On the last night I had curry goat as well as mountains of gassy lager.

By the time I reached my flat I was on Red Alert. I let myself in the main door or the block and this was the point my brain knew relief was near and Mr Plop started to heave the bay doors open.

When I got to my flat door I simply couldn't open it. One of the Yale locks which I never ever use and hadn't the key for was firmly locked. I had seconds to make my calculation. I could have attempted to go back outside and gone into the shed where the bins were kept but it was broad daylight and I reckoned I had less than 10 seconds of "hold on" time remaining. Not enough to get out there.

i remembered the Sweeney, mustered all my strengh up and BANG booted the door off it's hinges. My momentum took my through the door and i turned right and straight to the bog, whipping my Kecks down at the same time. I swear, my arse cheeks hadn't even touched the seat when the sludge started to hit the pan.

I believe that my desperate status gave me a kind of superhuman status because there is no way i could have booted that door in in normal cicumstances.

After the event, shrouded in relief, I found a note from the police. They had been called there because I had left my flat door wide open in the rush to get in the taxi when I set off two weeks ago. They had locked the yale lock.

That's a true story....

 

[swervin]

There was a post on here a few months ago about a lad who shit the bed and blamed it on his missus who was asleep. It was the funniest thing i've ever read. Someone who knows what their doing find it. Hilarious

Johnmc ..... That was me, however I do not know who to retrieve it....any help?

 

[Swales lives]

This is the funniest thread I've seen in ages, a few more tales and it'll be a contender for the "Classic Forum."
Some of the stories a brilliant.

 

[r01z]

If i wasnt sat in work, ide be pissing myself over this thread, some of the funiest stories ive ever read

 

[Didsbury Dave]

It's back by popular demand.

Now all of us "vile", "not normal thinking", "14 year old" posters can get on with having a laugh.