When was the last time you soiled yourself?

[Didsbury Dave]

Top drawer, John. I particularly like the pub punchline.

There are as-yet undiscovered Tribes in the mountains of Borneo who knew you would turn up on this thread.

I'll never live that down but there arent many in my soiling diaries. Obviously you remember the lagging thread - thats a different ball game for me. I have thousands of stories where i have peed where i shouldnt have.

The "lagging" thread - a natural partner for this one in my opinion, was bumped yesterday purely because of swervin's amazing Lake District story - remember that, where he shit the bed and managed to roll his Mrs in it, so she took the blame?

That one got deleted too, I believe. I don't think it's been reinstated.

 

[johnmc]

Swervins was the original and best

 

[henrythedogcity]

nothing will ever quite beat the awkard silence as i went down on a girl who i'd been seeing for a couple of weeks and just before i got there...i heard a little 'gulp' noise, the next thing she does is shuffle her arse on the chair and tadaa! a kind of squashed nugget popped out underneath her.. it's smell clearly identifying itself as a bum raisin that wanted to say hello. i looked up, she looked down, we gazed at eachother...not knowing what to say. we were actually both speechless but she was the one who done it so i just thought fuck this and simply said ''i'll clean it up, it's alright'' my words falling out as if trying to consolidate someone whose parents have just killed themselves and blamed her for it in their note.

i went up stairs to get some toilet roll whilst trying my hardest not to laugh and be violently sick at the same time, and no suprises for guessing that once i had got back down stairs, she had left. she was fit as fuck aswell! tried ringing her aswell but to no avail.

That has just made me cry laughing fella!

 

[Llewellyn Dowd]

About thirty-odd years ago, I used to occasionally go boozing on a Friday dinner-time with my mate's Dad Fred, who was a binman at the Gorton depot. We used to go in the Dog & Partridge on Ogden Lane, Openshaw. (Now, sadly gone!) It was a Boddie's house, when Boddie's was proper beer! One week I went there and there were some new faces, "Pipe fitters from Preston, we're here for a couple of weeks." Apparantly, they were working at some local mill and liked to have a few on a Friday afternoon before going home for the weekend. The following Friday, they were all back again and were laughing about one of their mate's 'Big Dave'. He'd stayed longer than his mates the previous week and hadn't set off for home until about 6 o'clock. He got off the bus and was making his way to Piccadilly station when, what he thought was going to be nothing more than a sizeable fart, turned out to be a full-scale megadump. He didn't have much time before his train was due to depart so in desperation, he asked someone where he could buy a cheap pair of jeans. The guy sent him to the underground market where he quickly found a denims stall, asked for a pair of jeans, size 38. The stallholder stuffed them into a brown paper bag and our hero scurried off to the station. As luck would have it, the train was waiting at the platform, so he went in the toilet compartment and waited until the train was underway. Happy that he'd have no interuptions now he proceeded to remove his jeans and undercrackers, wiped his arse on the dry bits and launched them out of the window, only to find, when he opened the bag, the bleeding stallholder had given him a bleeding size 38 jean JACKET!



He did manage to grab the guard, who, after picking himself up off the floor, went and got the lad an old boiler suit from the guard's van!

 

[bluereddish]

Like that Llewellyn - Crackin' thread - Phoenix from the Ashes

 

[swervin]

Dyed Petya, Could you please do the honours again and manage to get my message onto this thread. Cheers mate

 

[Didsbury Dave]

Dyed Petya, Could you please do the honours again and manage to get my message onto this thread. Cheers mate

the thread has been deleted and not reinstated.

Tell the story again PLEASE!!!!!

 

[poh]

In the 70's i was invited along with a few mates to a party in Belfast where the parents of the guy throwing it had gone away for the week (so you know what that means ! ) a few hours before the party i had something from the local chippy,thinking it will be all booze for the next 24 hours so get some food into you first.Well whatever i had (i just cant remember now ) started to fuck my guts up big time about an hour before said party,but fuck it i thought a few drinks will settle that down and off i went.So there i'am at the party feeling just great and getting nicely hammered when that feeling starts,and you just know your in big fucking trouble if you do not make it the bathroom in the next 3.4 seconds ! the thing was i did make it ! but just as i burst through the door i saw that a friend of mine who had got himself in goodstyle with a girl there was on the toilet with her on top of him,fuck it i thought i will use the bath, i turned around quickly and had my begs down along with the undercrackers and in mid-squat when my mate on the toilet yelled no ! no fuck i thought, as i let loose the bowels from hell,it was a split second later when i saw something in the corner of my eye in the bath and it was not my shit! now dont get me wrong i was not in the least put out by my friend and his girl sitting on the toilet watching me shit (i mean after all it was an emergency ) but to my ever lasting shame another of my friends had been having a lie down in the bath because of to much drink taken,and it was this that my mate on the bog had tried to warn me about,but after he had shouted no,he could speak no more because he was laughing so hard he nearly shit himself ! as for the girl,she hid her head at the shame of it on his chest,as for my mate in the bath,well fuck me if he did not sleep right through the whole thing ! I did have to make it up to him the next day (i bought him new shirt and jeans ) i suppose the moral of the story is look before you shit,no matter how desparate you are.

 

[erocsevil]

Not pissing but worse........... Went to the lakes for a romantic weekend with the EX girlfriend and stayed in a really plush b&b, spent the day drinking all different sorts of real ale in the pubs along with having a curry and going to bed...... during the night I had really bad tummy ache so knowing that the turtles head was popping out decided to make a quick move to the en-suite bathroom, just as I moved Ithought I was going to fart, but instead I shit all over my side of the bed, panicking like mad I rushed to the bog finished it off although it was not one bit solid....cleaned myself up with wet toilet paper to dispose of all evidence. Webnt bacjk to the bedroom and she was snoring her head off, so I gently rolled her over to my side of the bed and then got in her side. We were both naked, the smell was disgusting, so i decided to wake her up and yes you have guessed, I said to her "what the fuck have you done, you have shit yourself" I tell you what, she had rolled around in it and it was all on her back, inside of her leg all over her arse and fanny. She burst into tears and kept saying sorry, sorry this has never happened to me before, i feel so embarrassed, please dont tell anybody. We only ended staying thaat night and even though we split up a few months later I still bump into her and she always thanks me for not telling anyone.

Swervins story, for all that missed it!

 

[Freestyler]

Some girl i know told me she was out last week with a lad she had been seeing for a few weeks, they were out for lunch and she said she went to the toilets and come back and for some reason it smelt like a cattle market, apparently she hasn't contacted him since.