Joke thread

A guy sat next to me on the train today. He pulls out a photo of his wife and says to me "She's Beautiful isn't she?"
I said "If you think she's beautiful you should see my girlfriend mate."
He replies "Why is she a stunner?"
"No she's an optician"
 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
 
Sat next to my mate in the pub before, he was looking worried and drinking soda water. What the fuck You drinking that for I said. You’d drink soda water if you had what I’ve got. Fuck me I said worried what do you have 60p he replied

The old ones are
 
Two friends, Mick and Paddy, meet in Mick's office.
Paddy says to Mick "hey fella, how are ya?"
Mick replies "I'm good, thanks.
Paddy; "Congratulations by the way, that new secretary of yours is beautiful.
Mick; "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot."
Paddy; "No way, how could that be?"
Mick; "She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter.
That's not all; she can have sex, too.
Paddy; "Holy shit Mick, you're kidding, right?"
"No", says Mick, "she's something else, isn't she? Tell you what, you can borrow her for an hour.
So, Paddy takes her into the stationery croom and is in there with her for a while.
Suddenly, Mick hears Paddy screaming "Fuuuuuucking heeeelllllll; Noooooooooo!"
Mick suddenly thinks; "Shit I forgot to tell him her arse is a pencil sharpener!"
 
Guy goes to see his doctor, "Doc I need a bunch of viagra"

Doc says "What on earth for"

Guy says "Well my ex wife is coming around Friday night and she's up for it, on Saturday my neighbour is coming around and she is gagging for it, and on Sunday my ex wife's sister coming around, and we always get it together"

Doc says "Well here's a prescription but take care"

Monday the guy turns up at the surgery to see the doc. He has his right arm in a sling.

Doc says "What on earth happened to you"

Guy says "No one turned up"
 
Connection between a cosmetic surgeon and a government education secretary?

One tucks features and the other f.. doesn’t.
 

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