Joke thread

[hammocity]

Was on my stag doo in Benidorm recently.
We're all in this bar and talking to a gang of girls on a hen doo,i end up talking to a big un.
After about30 mins,she starts talking a bit dirty,another 10 mins goes by,shes getting worse.
she says "i want something in my mouth tonight"
i say " oh right,really"?.....she says "Yeah,i'll give you a clue...it's got 4 letters in it and starts with C....can you guess"?
I looked her up and down and says "Cake"?

I was in Benidorm a few years ago, one of those promotional staff who pester you to get in a bar said:

“Come and see Sticky Vicky”

“What does she do?”

“She does tricks with her c**t”

“What, just like Debbie McGhee?”

Next night the promo worker was

“ come and see Sticky Vicky, she does tricks with her c**t, just like Debbie McGhee” thief.

 

[DrBlueBob]

I hate Illinois Nazis!
It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

That is the best quote of the entire film. You got my cheese whizz boy?

 

[manclad]

That is the best quote of the entire film. You got my cheese whizz boy?

On ITV4 now.
"We're getting the band back together because we are on a mission from God"

 

[GX Blue]

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.

That is a fantastic gag

 

[sir baconface]

A Jewish guy went shopping to Asda. After walking round thinking it was expensive, he decided to have a word with the store manager... "Excuse me, I thought this supermarket was supposed to be cheap, and what are these roll backs supposed to mean?"...The manager replied "yes sir, we are always checking our prices against our competitors. When we find their prices are cheaper we roll ours back"... Quick as a flash the Jewish quy unzipped his fly and pulled his knob out saying "I bet you can't roll this back".

Why not? Was it too Lidl?

 

[Onholiday(somemightsay)]

My mate failed his aboriginal music exam.
I asked him “Did you redo it?”

It took consideration but it gets a like :-)

 

[DrBlueBob]

On ITV4 now.
"We're getting the band back together because we are on a mission from God"

It kind of deserves a thread of its own,doesn't it.
We had a band powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline.

 

[Blue Mist]

I hate Illinois Nazis!
It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

One of my all time favourite quotes and funnily enough it was on last night.

 

[Blue_eyes]

A couple of chemistry students are in the college bar, the first one who is a bit pretentious, asks the barman for a H2O please, his mate not wanting to be outdone says I think I will have a H2O too...............he died.

 

[Sir peace frog]

A couple of chemistry students are in the college bar, the first one who is a bit pretentious, asks the barman for a H2O please, his mate not wanting to be outdone says I think I will have a H2O too...............he died.

H202

is a chemical compound with the formula H202. In its pure form, it is a very pale blue,[5] clear liquid, slightly more viscous than water. Hydrogen peroxide is the simplest peroxide (a compound with an oxygen–oxygen single bond). It is used as an oxidizer, bleaching agent and antiseptic. Concentrated hydrogen peroxide, or "high-test peroxide", is a reactive oxygen species and has been used as a propellant in rocketry.[6] Its chemistry is dominated by the nature of its unstable peroxide bond.

Hydrogen peroxide is unstable and slowly decomposes in the presence of light. Because of its instability, hydrogen peroxide is typically stored with a stabilizer in a weakly acidic solution. Hydrogen peroxide is found in biological systems including the human body. Enzymes that use or decompose hydrogen peroxide are classified as peroxidases.

:)