Joke thread

[roman totale]

Sometimes jokes go wrong. A friend of mine, who fancies himself as a wit, was doing a spell of supply teaching some years ago, and was called on one day to do a couple of days in a school in Hyde.

During morning break, he thought he'd enliven the staff room by telling this gag: "I believe they're making a film of the life of Harold Shipman, starring Robert de Niro. They're calling it "The Old Dear Hunter"......."

A deathly silence fell on the room and one woman burst into tears and fled the room, sobbing. "What's up with her?" my friend asked.
The reply was "Her mother was one of Harold Shipman's victims".

He was never asked back there again. (true story).

True Story:
Around 1990 I went to London for the day by coach and got on the return bus in Russell Square. Sat next to me was a young Polish lad who I got chatting with. His English was very good and he told me that he had just arrived and was visiting to try and find work on spec (this being before Poland was in the EU and therefore was somewhat illegal, so he was a little on edge). The coach was going to Manchester directly, but had a request stop in Sale if anyone wanted to get off there, so the driver gets on the microphone and says "anyone here for Sale?". The lad turned to me scared out his wits and said "For sale! What does this mean?!?".

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My son called me up and told me, "Guess what dad, I'm fucking rich!" "Wow. Did you win the lottery?" "No, I finally got with that cute guy from the office, Rich!"

 

[nellyonthewing]

John Bercow's been found dead on the floor of his house lying near an electric socket .Police said he had been trying to wire a plug but obviously had no idea what 'neutral' was..

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

Elizabeth Fritzls Diary

Monday
Stayed in,dad came down & fucked me

Tuesday
Stayed in,dad came down & throat fucked me

Wednesday
Stayed in,dad came down,tied me up & bummed me

Thursday
Stayed in,dad came down & fucked me twice

Friday
Stayed in,dad came down,beat me & rough bummed me

Saturday
Went to watch Man Utd
Wish I’d stayed in

 

[manchester blue]

Just been for a job interview, one of the bosses asked me how well I perform under pressure.

I told them I didn’t know the second verse, but I do know all of Bohemian Rhapsody.

 

[Stuuuuuu]

Finally fixed that annoying noise in the car. I opened the door and pushed her out.

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

A belated birthday to an old Spurs friend of mine.

He was 7 t' 2 last Tuesday.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Apparently on FIFA 20 to score an over-head kick with your left foot you have to do a 'Stan Collymore'.

Hit the 'X' repeatedly.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I've just been out for a coffee with Bonnie Tyler.
She didn't want a Starbucks or a Costa, she was holding out for a Nero.

 

[BimboBob]

I've just been out for a coffee with Bonnie Tyler.
She didn't want a Starbucks or a Costa, she was holding out for a Nero.

You know where this is going don't you?