Joke thread

[TangerineSteve17]

I went to a music shop and I said to the assistant "I want something that goes ping"
He said "Ping?"
I said "You'll do"

A friend said to me "Must all of your sentences contain a vegetable?"
I said "Not neccecellery."

When I was a teacher I developed a nervous tic, so everyone got really good grades.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I've got an unusual job. For good money I let people push me in the river. It's so much fun I laugh all the way to the bank.

 

[Carstairs]

[bigimg]http://i.imgur.com/WEsKjz4.gif?1[/bigimg]

 

[TangerineSteve17]

[bigimg]http://i.imgur.com/WEsKjz4.gif?1[/bigimg]

İ've seen that gif before, seems to crop up quite a lot right after i make a post. Bloody weird.

 

[chrishull]

The Spain team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jose, age 6.

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

 

[Lavinda Past]

That's what people called me when I used to try to dance in Jilly's.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My son has painted his skin green and hasn't come out of his bedroom in days. He's alienated himself.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

2 budgies sat on a perch planning to take over the world. One says to the other, "We will succeed!"

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Mods, please ban this man from this thread.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

This bloke said to me "I'm gonna hit you over the head with the neck of my guitar!"
I said "Is that a fret?"

Got stung by a bee the other day. £20 for a jar of honey...couldn't believe it.

I went bobsleighing last week. Killed 12 Bobs.