TheRemainsOfTheDave
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
LWashington
Well-Known Member
I've got some unfunny ones.
Two crocodiles swimming down a river, suddenly they come to a fork in the river. One turns to the other and says, "That's strange, I could have sworn it was Thursday."
A Hell's Angel goes into a DIY store and asks for a tin of green paint. The assisstant says "Sorry we've only got yellow paint left."
The Hell's Angel replies, "That's alright I've got my bike outside."
Chief Sitting Bull is in his teepee, enjoying a moments peace. After a while, a young member of the tribe enters, sir he says, I have a question, ask then says chief Sitting Bull and I will answer. Ok, says the young brave,I was wondering how we get our names. Well, says the chief,after the father has helped with the birth of his child,he goes walkabout,and gets the name from something memorable that he sees. For instance, swooping crow, running bear, two wolves, and your own sister flying dove,were all named this way.Oh, says the young brave that explains it,thank you. Thats quite alright Two Bison Fucking, I am pleased to help.
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Big Swifty
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Big Swifty
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- Joined
- 8 Nov 2011
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Here's another unfunny one.
A man goes into a cocktail bar and says "What gin do you have?" The barman, who fancies himself as a wit, says "There's three types of gin ..... oxy-gin, hydro gin, and Gordon's gin".
The customer replies "Well, there's three types of turds - mus-turd, cus-turd, and you, you big shit"
From my younger days, obviously.
A man goes into a cocktail bar and says "What gin do you have?" The barman, who fancies himself as a wit, says "There's three types of gin ..... oxy-gin, hydro gin, and Gordon's gin".
The customer replies "Well, there's three types of turds - mus-turd, cus-turd, and you, you big shit"
From my younger days, obviously.
jimharri
Moderator
Christ, they even make some of mine appear mildly amusing.
Ish.
If you fellas have day jobs, I wouldn't go jacking them in for a career on stage just yet.
I cant remember who said it but 'This joke isn't funny anymore' especially as it has been posted on here at east twice before, maybe three times.
that would officially make it a turkey.
(yes, I know, this joke bowls you over.)
Paulpowersleftfoot
Well-Known Member
Katie Hopkins visited a primary school and went into a classroom.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Hopkins if she would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy”.
So she asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and suggests: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Hopkins , “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand and offers: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,”
“That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered an idea.
Hopkins searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Hopkins
“That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” said the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Hopkins if she would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy”.
So she asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and suggests: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Hopkins , “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand and offers: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,”
“That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered an idea.
Hopkins searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand.
In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims Hopkins
“That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” said the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
sir baconface
Well-Known Member
Whoa, steady on James.
manclad
Well-Known Member
Kenny Everett wants his joke back from 1982. Although it was 2 dogs fucking back then.
Barcon
Well-Known Member
manclad
Well-Known Member
What ever happened to Harry the Dog?
We call a guy at work two dogs.
If you know who he is?
Barcon
Well-Known Member
Don't know him mate but I had a Henry the ferret.
manclad
Well-Known Member
Google F-Troop , The Treatment and Millwall fans.
I thought that if I changed it to bison that no one would realise. Anyway, 1982 is pretty young compared to some offerings on this thread.
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Just been to Asda
Saw a bloke whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, liquid soaps, everything that people need!!
I gave a piece of my mind and called him a selfish get.
Then gave him a low down about the elderly who need these types of things.
Told him he should be ashamed of himself!
He said: "That’s all well and good and you have made an excellent point. But I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?"
Saw a bloke whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, liquid soaps, everything that people need!!
I gave a piece of my mind and called him a selfish get.
Then gave him a low down about the elderly who need these types of things.
Told him he should be ashamed of himself!
He said: "That’s all well and good and you have made an excellent point. But I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?"
jimharri
Moderator
Last week, my next door neighbour asked me:
“Seeing as our houses are the same design... Can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?”
“Thirteen” I said.
Today, he came round looking angry: “I’ve got three rolls left over!!!”
“So did I!” I said
“Seeing as our houses are the same design... Can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?”
“Thirteen” I said.
Today, he came round looking angry: “I’ve got three rolls left over!!!”
“So did I!” I said
Indaparkside
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You’ve been watching to much Bernard manning while your isolating, heard this joke 30 years ago:)