Joke thread

I told a close friend that I had to take an enema, and I was really anxious about it because I've never done it before. He nodded, left the room, and then about 5 minutes later when I was wondering where he'd gone, he charged back in screaming at the top of his voice and waving a huge kitchen knife. I tell you, it scared the shit out of me.

And with friends like that, who needs enemas?
 
Zuriblue said:
I told a close friend that I had to take an enema, and I was really anxious about it because I've never done it before. He nodded, left the room, and then about 5 minutes later when I was wondering where he'd gone, he charged back in screaming at the top of his voice and waving a huge kitchen knife. I tell you, it scared the shit out of me.

And with friends like that, who needs enemas?
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I tried not to laugh but.....
 
Adebayor's Skidmarks said:
The Last Supper, Scottish version. The disciples are all gathered at the table, but in the end place there is a takeaway and a six pack of McEwans. Peter nudges Jesus and says, what's that doing there?

Jesus replies that's Judas's carryout.
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A few days earlier Mark and John are watching Jesus walking down the road. Behind him four men are carrying a naked woman with her legs wide apart. Sticking out of her clopper, was a 6ft wide strip of grass containing a few staked trees and a few patches of vandalised flowers. John turns to Mark and says "I recognise Jesus, but who the fuck is that woman behind him?". Mark replies "That's the verge in Mary".
 
Thanks everyone for your concern.

First off, I'm OK, though I was a bit shook-up.
If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco petrol station yesterday afternoon. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however.

The Police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1."
 
Zuriblue said:
Thanks everyone for your concern.

First off, I'm OK, though I was a bit shook-up.
If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco petrol station yesterday afternoon. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however.

The Police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1."
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I have copied this on my Faceache page and no end of people have been empathising and asking if I am OK. It has been better than the joke. :)
 
Tuearts right boot said:
I've completely forgotten the joke but the punchline is an absolute classic, maybe someone can help me....
It goes thus....." I'm not a real welder "
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Something about a kid finding a welder's mask and walks down the street wearing it.
A man stops him and says "Do you know anything about masturbation?" and the kid says "No mister".
The bloke says "Do you know anything about cock sucking" and the kid says "No mister".
The bloke then asks "Do you know anything about anal sex?" and the kid says "Sorry mister, I'm not a real welder you know".
 
East Level 2 said:
Something about a kid finding a welder's mask and walks down the street wearing it.
A man stops him and says "Do you know anything about masturbation?" and the kid says "No mister".
The bloke says "Do you know anything about cock sucking" and the kid says "No mister".
The bloke then asks "Do you know anything about anal sex?" and the kid says "Sorry mister, I'm not a real welder you know".
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Fuck me that's it.....40 years it's taken, cheers.
 
Tuearts right boot said:
I've completely forgotten the joke but the punchline is an absolute classic, maybe someone can help me....
It goes thus....." I'm not a real welder "
Click to expand...
The punchline actually lasted better than the joke, not really acceptable now, probably never was. I was doing a plater's apprenticeship at the time so it had added meaning. Basically, a kid finds a welding mask. Gets approached by a perv and is asked disgusting questions. Have you seen a man's erection? Kid lifts his mask, no sir. Every question, kid lifts mask and says no sir. Questions progressively more disgusting until kid finally lifts mask and delivers the punchline. I heard it in Lincoln. Months later, in Manchester was asked about the welder joke. We both just quoted the punchline and cracked out laughing. There are american versions if you Google welders joke but not as good as I remember. Was all about the lifting of imaginary welding mask , no sir and the punchline.
 
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