Joke thread

The local council received a call from a woman, requesting his help with a leaky pipe in her apartment. The council arranged for their plumber to do the job.
When he arrived, the plumber was pleasantly surprised to find that the woman was very attractive and had a stunning figure.
He completed the job, and as the afternoon progressed, the two grew increasingly close and started to get intimate.

Around 5:00 p.m., the phone rang, interrupting their passionate rendezvous.

The woman answered the call and told the plumber, "That was my husband. He's on his way home, but he'll be heading back to his office at 8 p.m. If you come back then, we can continue where we left off."

The plumber stared at the woman in disbelief and responded, "What? On my own time?"
 
Gladys, the new vicar's wife accompanied her husband to church. Unfortunately, his sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

The gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
 
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.

This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.

Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" asks the doctor.

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I really can't thank you enough.

And, by the way... you have a lovely home."
 
mrcunny said:
Sad news at the nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone cheered!!!
Click to expand...

DazWA9 said:
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me", everyone cheered.
Click to expand...

Lavinda Past said:
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.
Click to expand...
 
WickyWain said:
Sad news at the Nestle factory today...
Click to expand...
Give me a break

An old Trucker picked up a young attractive female hitch hiker, during the journey the girl was flirting with the old Trucker, as they approached their destination the girl said:

" I really appreciate the lift, it's really helped me out, I'm sat on something that you might be interested in as a reward"

Trucker:

"For fucks sake you've probably melted my Yorkie bar".
 
Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case.

At the husband's request they staked out the wife's bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside.

The detectives remarked to one another that the wiffe and her lover were going at it as if sex was going out of style.

After watching furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said, "As long as we’re here on the case, do you think we should go in after him?"

To this the other replied, "Great idea... Shall we toss a coin to decide which of us is going in first?"
 
Lavinda Past said:
@dickie davies ....

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

View attachment 121574

;-)
Click to expand...
After they cheered everyone left the factory on their bike's which were obviously outside.
 
A pack of Hell's Angels are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The big burly leader, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had... You're so beautiful, you could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
 
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