Joke thread

[mancste1980]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

can't work in the feckin' dark!" says Murphy.

 

[mrcunny]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't shag him."

 

[Manchester1894]

One of my faves:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyjhetac-u8&feature=related[/youtube]

 

[Cheese Butty]

I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.

 

[daveduke67]

I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.

On a positive note, at least you didn't start anything.

 

[Sparkys-Army]

What has 2 wings and a halo?

A chinese phone... "wing wing.. Halo?"

 

[york away to this!]

I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.

On a positive note, at least you didn't start anything.

...no sex drive...

 

[Cellarite]

I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.

On a positive note, at least you didn't start anything.

...no sex drive...

the prozzie had to get her battery operated toys out. he'd already indicated he could perform.

 

[Bilboblue]

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. he crawled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife w...as busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral you greedy ****."




-- Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:29 pm --

So 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems?

Looking at 40% of women over 40, it's not fucking difficult too see why....






Injury and accident insurance claim adverts are bollocks.
When next doors daughter cut herself on our fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash, and now I'm the one who ends up in fucking court!

 

[scorer]

Why dont lesbians have nails in their coffins??






















because they much prefer tongue and groove.