Joke thread

[Cellarite]

thanks for your input tommy you miserable ****. go on then, give us a side-splitter.......

 

[chrismcfcturner]

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".

 

[tommyhair]

haha

thanks for your input tommy you miserable ****. go on then, give us a side-splitter.......

 

[Oohvonkyvonky]

I was text cheating on my wife and I accidentally sent one of the messages to her.

Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock.

 

[@nimal]

I needed a password eight characters long


so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

 

[Mustard Dave]

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian cruise ship saying. "I'm often left abandoned and laying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a night's cruising".

 

[Zuriblue]

Kenny Dalglish phones Andre Villas Boes

KD: Andre, I hear you're looking for a centre forward, maybe I can help. Will you give me Cole for Andy Carroll?

AVB: Sure. How many bags do you want?

 

[flightless]

Did you hear about that guy that drowned in a bowl of muesli?

He got pulled under by a strong currant...

(I'll get my coat)

 

[pudge]

My new years resolutions;

1) Stop making lists
B) Be more consistent
7) Learn to count

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies and gents........

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

 

[mrcunny]

What do Gary Glitter and nuclear bombs have in common?

Both can strip the clothes off a young Asian kid in under 10 seconds.

 

[jonmcfc]

How many animals can you fit in a pair of womens trousers?

2 calfs,1 beaver, 1 ass,countless hares,an occasional cock, and a fish no-one can find.





My girlfriend caught me blow drying my penis and asked what was i doing?

Apparently heating your dinner was not the right answer

 

[ob]

Just been offered a new job by this bloke, £600 a week working for the brittle bone society... I snapped his fucking hand off.!!

 

[mrcunny]

little known fact. Robert Mugabe has relatives in Yorkshire but they spell their name backwards. They are known as the Ebagum family

 

[jimharri]

Reporter; "Hello,Mr Redknapp,We understand you've signed a Striker from Aston Villa?''

Harry Redknapp; "No I haven't.''

Reporter; "Well you're usually involved in Bent deals".

 

[paphos-mcfc]

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian cruise ship saying. "I'm often left abandoned and laying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a night's cruising".

lol. Quality!

 

[mrcunny]

 

[gaudinho's stolen car]

My girlfriend gave me a blow job today and swallowed for the first time in nearly 5 years. I'm starting to think she might be coming out of her coma.

 

[mrcunny]

My girlfriend gave me a blow job today and swallowed for the first time in nearly 5 years. I'm starting to think she might be coming out of her coma.

haha...

 

[BackofJeanette]

Harry Redknapp has reported Roberto Mancini to the FA after Mancini waved an imaginary tax return at him.

 

[gazvannin]

Recently remarried Paul McCartney was asked if he still had thoughts about his ex-wife. "Not much really,........ but thinking about it, she was a great help with planting out in the springtime"