Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

My mate tried to make a square but ended up with an dodecahedron.

That’s what happens when you cut corners.

 

[Lavinda Past]

l'll never forget the night when I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees crumble, had butterflies in my stomach, and my heart was beating like mad.......

That's when I realised that I had spiked the wrong drink.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I called the number on a missing cat poster today and said, "I think I've just found your cat Thomas."

"Really?" screamed the owner, "Is he white?"

"Yes."

"Brilliant, are his two front paws black?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god, does he have a black tip on the end of his tail?"

"Yes."

"Wooohooo! And he's wearing a yellow collar?"

"A yellow collar?" I said, "No, this cat hasn't got a head."

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's a blonde on the top deck of a London bus wearing a short skirt and no knickers, she shouts down to the conductor :
"Is this Ealing?"

The conductor looks up and says
"From where I'm standing it looks like it could do with three or four more stitches!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I answered the phone today and a man said, "Is that 555 double 55?"

"Yes it is." I replied.

"Can you do me a favour," he asked, "can you dial 999 and tell them I've got my finger stuck on 5?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's girlfriend wanted him to buy her a Siamese cat.

I told him that they are really expensive.

So he bought two normal cats and superglued their heads together.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just been down my garden and saw a dog humping a cabbage...

The silly bastard probably thought it was a collie.