Robbiejd
Well-Known Member
Fosters fast lane
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
blue12
Well-Known Member
I think all those jokes about Fatima Whitbread are just childish and uncalled for.......I mean for heaven's sake, that's somebody's son!
Sheriff Fatman
Well-Known Member
I went into Subway today and asked for the biggest, greasiest and most expensive sub they had.
They gave me Andy Carroll.
______________________________________________
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
They gave me Andy Carroll.
______________________________________________
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
daveduke67
Well-Known Member
A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"
--------------------------------
The Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps.
They had photos of Manchester United players on them - people couldn't figure out which side to spit on
--------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
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"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"
--------------------------------
The Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps.
They had photos of Manchester United players on them - people couldn't figure out which side to spit on
--------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
---------------------------------------
Thaksins Love Child
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 23 Aug 2008
- Messages
- 4,424
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that fucking 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
................................
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
................................
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
................................
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
................................
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"sod that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
................................
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
................................
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
................................
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
................................
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
................................
I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
................................
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
................................
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
................................
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
................................
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"sod that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
................................
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
................................
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
................................
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
................................
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
................................
I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
Tuearts right boot
Well-Known Member
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
Un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before ?
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
Un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before ?
robinhood CITY
Well-Known Member
George Michael has got Pneumonia
could be his last Christmas
could be his last Christmas
ali benarbia's studs
Well-Known Member
a man is up in front of the courts for stealing a bike when intoxicated. in his defense the lawyer said it wasn t a full bike as it had no saddle and the his client had received horrible injuries from this.
the judge said it was irrelevant before being interrupted.
"judge it ripped the arse off me, i was in awful pain!!!!!"
the judge said "don t you mean rectum ???!" to which the defense replied "wrecked him your honor, it nearly killed him!!!!"
probably sounds better with a poxy irish accent ;)
the judge said it was irrelevant before being interrupted.
"judge it ripped the arse off me, i was in awful pain!!!!!"
the judge said "don t you mean rectum ???!" to which the defense replied "wrecked him your honor, it nearly killed him!!!!"
probably sounds better with a poxy irish accent ;)