Joke thread

What do you call a deer with no eyes?



No idea! (no eye deer)

I know, time to get my coat
 
I just rammed an ice lolly up my arse!



It was FAB!!!


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Just seen the 2012 Utd calender,

It's a bit explicit!



there's a **** on every page!!

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One of the 7 dwarves has just been arrested for fucking a Giraffe


Apparently the other 6 put him up to it!
 
Gary gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a fifty pound note on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a fifty pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want."

Gary is in the MRI, Intensive Care unit, room 462
 
I'm a celebrity's on again and I've just sat there watching Fatima Whitbread in a skimpy bikini in having a shower in the jungle under a waterfall and I thought please don't get an erection................but she did!!!
 
I am fucking sick of people knocking on my door asking for donations, just had one woman from the sperm bank, fuck me did I give her a mouthful.
 
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man CITY fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied..
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man CITY fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man CITY fan, and my dad is a Man CITY fan, so I'm a Man CITY fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man CITY fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time…
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. LOL
 
bluestevei said:
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man CITY fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied..
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man CITY fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man CITY fan, and my dad is a Man CITY fan, so I'm a Man CITY fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man CITY fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time…
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. LOL
Click to expand...
 
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