Joke thread

Scientists have found that semen is actually good for teeth.
I agree.
The more often my missus sucks me off, the more chance she has of keeping hers.
 
3 men die on Xmas eve. To get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas." The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle, St Peter lets him pass. Welshman pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, St Peter lets him pass. The Irish man pulls out his 10 inch cock and St Peter says "How the fuck does that represent Xmas?? !!. Paddy says "It's a fucking cracker isnt it ''
 
The marriage counsellor asked the wife and I to write down a list of everything that annoyed us about each other.

After ten minutes I said "I can't write anymore."

"That's ok", she said, "we don't want to be too critical."

"No," I said, "I've run out of paper."
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
Today i came to a conclusion,The Longer you are Married, The more your wife becomes like a condom.They spend More time in your wallet and less on your cock!
 
The Jeremy Kyle Xmas song

12 cans of carling
11 dna tests
10 dads to choose from
9 teeth between them
8 squeezed in tracksuits
7 stinking smackheads
6 Dunlop trainers
5 STOLEN RINGS
4 fat slags
3 ugly twats
2 timing cunts
And a wanker who puts them on tv!


.......................................................


Cliff Richard was in China when a fan came up shouting 'Criff.! Criff.! I'm your biggest fan..!
Me ruv ur songs...
My favourite is Itchy Sore Fanny..!
Cliffs a bit shocked and says he's never sang such a song...
Yes you have Criff...
It goes ITCHY SORE FANNY HOW WE DONT TALK ANYMORE..!


.........................................................................................


: For the whole 5 years I've been with my girlfriend, I've been begging her to try anal. Until one day recently she gave in and said "Right! We can either do anal and spend the rainy day fund on those curtains I want, or, we don't do anal and we buy the 3D TV you want. Which is it to be?" At this point I remembered something my Dad told me once. He said "Son, if you just can't decide, listen to your heart" Taking his advice, I found my stethoscope and
held it to my chest. My heart's answer was a resounding


" BumBum BumBum BumBum BumBum..
 

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