Joke thread

[2sheikhs]

Paddy was shagging a girl and she said "does it not bother you Paddy that I'm 13"? Paddy says "no, I've never been superstitious".

 

[jamiegrimble]

A dress of amy winehouse sold for £43,200 today, that sounds excessive, but you have to remember lot of needlework went into it.

 

[Anonymous]

Why couldn't the young boy watch the film about pirates? Because it was rated "Aaaaaaarrrrrrr"

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

The bloke next door was banging on my door at 2.30 this morning, good job I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

[SS117]

I wouldn't 1-2 be a United fan right now, let's make that Crystal clear!

 

[Big Fish]

I was sat on the end of my bed pulling off my boxers. The missus looked at me in disgust and said, "Don't do that to the dogs".

 

[southstand117]

How lucky is Steve Bruce? Looses his job on the last day of November, and on the first day of December all major department stores are looking for a fat, red faced bastard that's used to wearing red and white!

 

[BertTrautmann'sParachute]

A banker, a nurse, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table on which a plate with 10 biscuits sits. The banker eats 9 of the biscuits and just then the Tory MP leans over to the Daily Mail reader and whispers: "Watch out, that nurse is going to eat your biscuit!"

 

[Ronnie the Rep]

A wife says to her husband:
"You're always pushing me around and talking
Behind my back."
And he says:
"What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"<br /><br />-- Fri Dec 02, 2011 3:36 pm --<br /><br />I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
Reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said: "You obviously haven't been listening."

 

[markyboyblue]

I've just come back from the holiday of a lifetime. Wont be going there again.