Joke thread

I saw a fortune teller the other day and she told me I was going to come in to some money
Last night I shagged a girl called penny....weird or what?
 
A security guard with a sniffer dog stops a guy at the airport and says " my dog tells me you're on drugs" the guy says "I'm on drugs, you're the one with a talking dog"
 
An old fella is wandering round a supermarket, looking for his wife.
A bit lost, he bumps into another bloke.
Turning round he says sorry & explains he's lost his wife.
The other bloke is much younger and obviously well off. 'That's funny' he says 'I'm looking for my wife too'.
'I know - we can look together' says the old man 'what's your wife look like?'
'Long dark hair, big boobs, tiny tight top and a very short skirt. What's your wife look like?'
'Forget it' says the old man '..lets just look for your wife.'
 
Was at the garden centre the other day and thought I spotted Michael J Fox.

Couldn't be totally sure it was him though, he had his back to the Fuschias.<br /><br />-- Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:51 am --<br /><br />Why has Captain Kirk's wife got a turd on her head?

Because William Shatner.
 
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married agian?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- Silence --
HUSBAND: "Sh!t"
 
When I was a teenager I took my girlfriend out in my car, and we pulled up at a secluded spot on a lovers lane.

I said "Come on get in the back"

She replied "No, I don't want to"

I said, "Come on luv, climb in the back"

She replied "No"

By this time I was getting really angry....

I said, "Why not?"

She said...."'Cos I want to stop in the front with you"....
 
jimbopm said:
Was at the garden centre the other day and thought I spotted Michael J Fox.

Couldn't be totally sure it was him though, he had his back to the Fuschias.

-- Thu Oct 10, 2013 11:51 am --

Why has Captain Kirk's wife got a turd on her head?

Because William Shatner.
Click to expand...

Must be the captains log .....
 
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