Joke thread

aguero93:20 said:
Here's one you might like;

It was a glorious day in Toytown and Big Ears decided to go and meet his best friend Noddy. The sun was shining and the birds whistled merrily in the trees. Big Ears was excited, after all he hadn't seen his best friend Noddy for a whole week! That was much too long for Big Ears.

Big Ears made himself a lovely breakfast - muffins and pancakes. Yummy, yummy! He read his newspaper and then set off to Noddy's house in the middle of Toytown. Walking out of his front gate he bumped into Mr. Postman.

"Hello Mr. Postman," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Postman, "I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. You and Noddy are such good friends. Everybody knows that."

Big Ears walked jauntily along the road, smelling the flowers in the hedgerows and whistling a merry tune. Soon he came across Mr. Baker.

"Hello Mr. Baker," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Baker, "That's great news. You and Noddy are such good friends. Have a good day."

"I will!" beamed Big Ears, ever more excited about meeting Noddy, his bestest, BESTEST friend in the whole world.

As he walked Big Ears remembered all of the great times Noddy and he had together. There was the time they took the train to the beach and ate ice cream - that was lovely. Or the time the sweetie-van overturned in the street and all the little kiddies gorged themsleves on licqorice drops and bubbly gum. Super times!

Big Ears rounded the last corner into Noddy's street and he could now see Noddy's house up ahead. "This is SO exciting," he said to himself, "I'm going to meet Noddy my best friend in the world and we are going to have such fun together!"

He opened the gate at the end of Noddy's path and ran up the path to the door, hardly able to contain his excitement. This was going to be a great day - maybe even the greatest day of all! He knocked on the door and waited, a huge smile on his face. Inside he heard noises - Noddy was coming to the door!!

The door opened and there was Noddy, Big Ears's best friend in the whole wide world with whom he had shared so many great adventures. Big Ears was shaking with excitement.

"Hello Noddy," he beamed, "It's me, Big Ears, your bestest friend in the whole world. I haven't seen you in for a week!! Let's go out together and have a great adventure in Toytown!"

Noddy looked at Big Ears - "Piss off you red-nosed twat"
Click to expand...
Where do I go to get a refund for that 10 minutes?
 
jimharri said:
Where do I go to get a refund for that 10 minutes?
Click to expand...

Hey, nobody forced you to read the joke. I did put in a disclaimer.

Tell you what though, I have another Noddy joke if you'd accept that in lieu of your 10 minutes?
 
Bozo said:
This one's worth it, lads...

I used to know a guy who loved tractors, I mean, he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even a little stash of tractor porn (which is not easy to find mind you...)
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his fiancé. She was his high school sweetheart, and they were soon to be married. She didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit, and did her best to engage in his love for tractors. She didn't even mind the role play he insisted upon, where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
Live was pretty sweet for those two, but it wasn't to be. Sadly, one day when driving home from work, his fiancé was involved in a crash. A tractor had fallen off the back of a transport truck, straight onto her car. She was rushed to hospital, close to death, but didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "...don't blame the tractors, honey" and with that, she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he couldn't forget what the tractor had caused. He could never hate them, but he could never carry on with his fondness for them. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, paintings, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper, and taken to the local tip. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
He never married, however, all those years later he did meet a nice local girl. They met at the local supermarket, and he asked her out for drink. She agreed, and on the following Friday, they met at the local pub. Now, this was before the smoking ban, and on entry, the pub was thick with cigarette smoke. His date did not like this, as she suffered from asthma. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he looked at her and said "don't worry, watch this..." He walked to the middle of the room, and started breathing in. I mean, REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. He came back into the pub to huge applause. When he rejoined his date, she was equally shocked and impressed and asked "how on earth did you do that?!"

He replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
Click to expand...


Can't believe I laughed at that.
 
Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his arse, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks. police think he topped himself...
 
my mother in law came to our front door this morning in the pouring rain ...i opened the door and said ..dont stand out there in the rain ....fuck off home .
 
Guy who owns the shop across the road from me told me he's going to have to close the place down. Only had it for two years and everyone around here supported it. Was a much needed grocers and the supermarket is a distance so business was good but, has had problems with thieves burgling the place.

The final straw was the other night. 2nd break in in a month and they took everything and wrecked it as well. I can't get my head around that senselessness?

Anyway, Insurance company found a loophole so they won't be coughing up. Poor lads lost everything, even his Mrs because she apparently was against it from the start.

This latest break in they stole all the teabags and forty jars of coffee, aload of energy drinks like redbull etc.
They even brewed up for the themselves in the back using his Espresso machine before breaking that too.

I just dunno how these cunts sleep at night
 
StrangewaysHereWeCome said:
Guy who owns the shop across the road from me told me he's going to have to close the place down. Only had it for two years and everyone around here supported it. Was a much needed grocers and the supermarket is a distance so business was good but, has had problems with thieves burgling the place.

The final straw was the other night. 2nd break in in a month and they took everything and wrecked it as well. I can't get my head around that senselessness?

Anyway, Insurance company found a loophole so they won't be coughing up. Poor lads lost everything, even his Mrs because she apparently was against it from the start.

This latest break in they stole all the teabags and forty jars of coffee, aload of energy drinks like redbull etc.
They even brewed up for the themselves in the back using his Espresso machine before breaking that too.

I just dunno how these cunts sleep at night
Click to expand...
The fuck mate I was waiting for the punch line
 
StrangewaysHereWeCome said:
Guy who owns the shop across the road from me told me he's going to have to close the place down. Only had it for two years and everyone around here supported it. Was a much needed grocers and the supermarket is a distance so business was good but, has had problems with thieves burgling the place.

The final straw was the other night. 2nd break in in a month and they took everything and wrecked it as well. I can't get my head around that senselessness?

Anyway, Insurance company found a loophole so they won't be coughing up. Poor lads lost everything, even his Mrs because she apparently was against it from the start.

This latest break in they stole all the teabags and forty jars of coffee, aload of energy drinks like redbull etc.
They even brewed up for the themselves in the back using his Espresso machine before breaking that too.

I just dunno how these cunts sleep at night
Click to expand...

I don't get it.
 
Thieves broke into a family owned corner shop and stole a dozen cases of Red Bull and 100 jars of coffee. I don't know how these people sleep at night!
... is the shortened (funnier) version
 
trotsky said:
Thieves broke into a family owned corner shop and stole a dozen cases of Red Bull and 100 jars of coffee. I don't know how these people sleep at night!
... is the shortened (funnier) version
Click to expand...
3327818+_40d8551c46cb9088a6c0ae6c96d94bab.jpg
 
Donald Trump and Barack O'Bama find themselves in the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damned whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
 
jimharri said:
Donald Trump and Barack O'Bama find themselves in the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damned whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Click to expand...

:-)
 
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