Joke thread

sir baconface said:
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.......

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'' ...'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate, back at him, back at the plate again...

'Where's my toast?'
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That tickled me but I know I will get blank looks when I tell it back.
 
davymcfc said:
That tickled me but I know I will get blank looks when I tell it back.
Click to expand...
Haha. You might like this one then...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. They left the two gentlemen talking and one said, 'Last night we went to this new restaurant and it was fantastic. I would recommend it very highly.'

'Oh, great. What's the name of the restaurant?' asked his friend.

The first man thought and thought, and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. Turning towards the kitchen, he yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 
sir baconface said:
Haha. You might like this one then...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. They left the two gentlemen talking and one said, 'Last night we went to this new restaurant and it was fantastic. I would recommend it very highly.'

'Oh, great. What's the name of the restaurant?' asked his friend.

The first man thought and thought, and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. Turning towards the kitchen, he yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Click to expand...
Quality. Not as good but still funny.
 
jimharri said:
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Josh,. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't
eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!
Click to expand...

Teacher asks the class to name a word with 10 letters.
Little Billy said"Masterbate"
Teacher a bit flustered says "That's a bit of a mouthful"
Kid replies "that's a blow job and it's only 7letters"
 
Guy goes into a nightclub.

Approaches a random girl and asks her

"Scuse me. Can I smell your pussy?"

Outraged she replies "No you can not!"

"My mistake" says he "Must be your feet, then."



Well it made me laugh.
 
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman."

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 
Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets!!
How in gods name did that happen says Paddy ??
His wife replies. Remember the night i was dry and we had no vaseline so i used 3 in 1 oil"
Holy Jaysus says Paddy, I'm fucking glad we didn't use WD40!
 
I said to my wife the other day, "You haven't got a bra on, have you?".
"How can you tell? Is it because my nipples are sticking out?", she asked.
"No, all the wrinkles in your face have disappeared".
 
A masked armed robber is holding up a bank, when a very brave customer jumps up and moves the robber's mask and shouts "I've seen your face"
The robber shoots the customer dead and screams "did anyone else see my face?"

A man lying on the floor replies "that **** with the united shirt on caught a glance"
 
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