Joke thread

[kippaxneil]

I went to the local tip yesterday and when I got there one of the refuse workers was sat quietly with his head in his hands.
I thought, he looks a bit down in the dumps.

 

[lightning Rodri]

 

[Mr Kobayashi]

I was wondering what @Dax777 had got up to.

Keep safe brother.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.

Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.

Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

They replied....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke walks into a pub with a duck under his arm. He pulls out a tin box, puts the duck on it and the duck begins to dance. This is a big hit all evening and the landlord asks him how much he wants for the duck (since it’s bringing in so much custom). The bloke walks out with £50 in his pocket.

The next evening the landlord puts the duck on the box, but the duck won’t dance.

A couple of hours later the bloke comes in and the landlord is pretty pissed off with him. The bloke offers to see what’s wrong and opens the box. “There’s your problem - you let the candle go out.”

 

[Dicko69]

Have you ever heard of a reverse exorcism???



It's when the devil appears and tells the priest to get out of the child

 

[MCFCTrick]

 

[dickie davies]

As his wife sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

When I originally heard that joke in the 1980s, the punchline was "you've always been a fucking jinx"

 

[Lavinda Past]

When I originally heard that joke in the 1980s, the punchline was "you've always been a fucking jinx"

I'm trying to be a bit more polite... raising the tone on the thread you could say...

:-)

 

[dickie davies]

I'm trying to be a bit more polite... raising the tone on the thread you could say...

:-)

Think it may have been a Manning joke