Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your bedroom."

"Thanks Grandad!"

"Why did you call me Grandad?"

"Because I couldn't find them yesterday."

 

[Lavinda Past]

I’ve just finished building a model of Mount Everest.

My mate asked “Is it to scale?”

“No” I replied, “It’s to look at”

 

[Lavinda Past]

The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped.

I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Saw a sign on the side of a bus today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road'

I was thinking, surely it depends how aggressive the driver is....

 

[hammocity]

Not a joke, but it's my mate's wife's birthday today, 2 lovely cards off their son and her Mother and the one in the centre from her sister!

 

[KS55]

Not a joke, but it's my mate's wife's birthday today, 2 lovely cards off their son and her Mother and the one in the centre from her sister!

Is that from the Bean Flicker series?

 

[hammocity]

Is that from the Bean Flicker series?

There's a couple of Lesbians who go in our local, they were known as "Bean One" and "Bean Two", unfortunately with all the PC/Woke shit they're now known by just their first names. They'd still be happy to be called Bean and they're always up for a laugh.

 

[KS55]

There's a couple of Lesbians who go in our local, they were known as "Bean One" and "Bean Two", unfortunately with all the PC/Woke shit they're now known by just their first names. They'd still be happy to be called Bean and they're always up for a laugh.

It’s always people getting insulted on behalf of someone else, who isn’t bothered in the first place.

 

[Vienna_70]

An American, visiting London, jumps on a double-decker bus to avoid the pouring rain.

"It’s always fucking raining here! This country is the asshole of the world!"

The conductor, who was standing nearby, heard him and replied, "And you, I presume, are just passing through?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus.

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

"If I wanted a double I'd have asked for it," the centurion replies.