Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

An alcoholic walks through a car park, he saw a lady drop a £20 note on the ground and didn’t notice.

He picked it up and, hesitating, he thought about keeping it. A moment of clarity arrived with the thoughts of his AA meetings: ‘What would Jesus do’?

So he turned it into wine.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

 

[Lavinda Past]

On the first day of astronaut training, I got dizzy and threw up everywhere.

I asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam..No.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.

The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.

The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," said the major.

The private listened carefully to their arguments and said with an air of absolute finality, "If you will pardon me sirs, sex is 100% fun and no work at all."

"How do you reach that conclusion?" said the astonished officers.

"It is very simple," said the private. "If there was any work in it at all, you senior officers would have me doing it for you."

 

[Lavinda Past]

A woman in her 90s phones her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman attempts suicide, shoots herself in left knee"

 

[Grassland Blue]

There's a couple of Lesbians who go in our local, they were known as "Bean One" and "Bean Two", unfortunately with all the PC/Woke shit they're now known by just their first names. They'd still be happy to be called Bean and they're always up for a laugh.

2 beans or not 2 beans, THAT is the question......

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[RiversideBlue]

Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

Change that to 16 ft 6 inches and the joke might actually work

 

[dronefromsector7G]

 

[Lavinda Past]