Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My mate is obsessed with purchasing small plots of land in the Arctic circle.
He's got buy polar disorder
He's got buy polar disorder
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
American scientists spent $6 billion on a study to determine why the male human species has a Bell end. And concluded that it was to satisfy the female human species.
British scientists carried out the same research, but only spent £1 million. And reached the same conclusion.
the Irish scientists spent €0.50. And found that it was to stop your hand coming off the end when you had a wank.
British scientists carried out the same research, but only spent £1 million. And reached the same conclusion.
the Irish scientists spent €0.50. And found that it was to stop your hand coming off the end when you had a wank.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An old lady shuffles into the butcher shop, and meets the butcher at the counter: "I'd like to get a pork roast, please."
"Certainly, I've got this one already cut, if you'd like?" and takes a roast out of the glass display to show her.
"Well...I was thinking a little larger, really."
"Okay then, I'll have to go into the back for another." When he steps into the cooler room, he realises he doesn't have any more pork roasts cut.
Rather than take the time to cut a fresh one, he decides to present the first roast to her, thinking that since she's so old, she won't know the difference.
He comes back out with the 'new' roast, and asks "How does this one look?"
The old lady looks it over for a moment, then nods. "That'll do; I'll take them both."
"Certainly, I've got this one already cut, if you'd like?" and takes a roast out of the glass display to show her.
"Well...I was thinking a little larger, really."
"Okay then, I'll have to go into the back for another." When he steps into the cooler room, he realises he doesn't have any more pork roasts cut.
Rather than take the time to cut a fresh one, he decides to present the first roast to her, thinking that since she's so old, she won't know the difference.
He comes back out with the 'new' roast, and asks "How does this one look?"
The old lady looks it over for a moment, then nods. "That'll do; I'll take them both."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A lost explorer stumbles out of the jungle and into a clearing, where he finds a bar.
The explorer just manages to drag his malourished, dehydrated body into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
He turns to the fellow to his right, and asks: "What is the story with those drums I've been hearing for hours?".
The bar patron responds, "When drums stop, it's very bad", and turns back to his drink.
The explorer then turns to the customer on his left, and asks the same question.
Once again, the answer is "When drums stop, it's very bad".
Flummoxed, the explorer stops the barman as he walks by, and desperately demands,
"What happens when the drums stop?!?"
"When drums stop, bass solo starts".
The explorer just manages to drag his malourished, dehydrated body into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
He turns to the fellow to his right, and asks: "What is the story with those drums I've been hearing for hours?".
The bar patron responds, "When drums stop, it's very bad", and turns back to his drink.
The explorer then turns to the customer on his left, and asks the same question.
Once again, the answer is "When drums stop, it's very bad".
Flummoxed, the explorer stops the barman as he walks by, and desperately demands,
"What happens when the drums stop?!?"
"When drums stop, bass solo starts".
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Shortky after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about my last message.... I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come back here and see ours?”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about my last message.... I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come back here and see ours?”
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the skiing weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and said, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing holiday about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the skiing weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and said, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing holiday about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife
Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"
Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"
Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."
Man: "Oh thanks mate, never thought of that!"
Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"
Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"
Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."
Man: "Oh thanks mate, never thought of that!"