Joke thread

Good deed done for the day, at Aldi, I was behind a little old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50. She didn’t want me to help bless her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
 
David Beckham gets into a taxi... "Heathrow Airport please driver" he says. After few minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the rear view mirror. Driver says "come on mate, give us a clue... "Beckham replies "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played in Italy and America, and won over 100 caps for England.... "Driver says "No you thick ****, what terminal?"..
 
A beautiful blonde goes to see the doctor with a wrinkly old woman, and says "I've come to see you about a medical."
The doctor says "OK, go behind the screen and take your clothes off."
The blonde says "No, it's not for me, it's for my granny."
The doc says to granny "OK, then, stick your tongue out."
 
Big Swifty said:
A beautiful blonde goes to see the doctor with a wrinkly old woman, and says "I've come to see you about a medical."
The doctor says "OK, go behind the screen and take your clothes off."
The blonde says "No, it's not for me, it's for my granny."
The doc says to granny "OK, then, stick your tongue out."
Click to expand...
"Wazza"™ wouldn't be impressed with that!
 
An Arab sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, his doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him:"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
 
The head of the Nigerian FA has apologised for the team's poor performance vs England and has offered travelling supporters a full refund

He's asked that to receive the full refund they e mail him their full name, bank name, account number and sort code, whereupon the money will be transferred
 
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