Joke thread

[Bill Walker]

My wife said " I think you should sell your motorbike". I said " you're beginning to sound like my ex wife". She said " you said you've never been married before". I said, "no I haven't".

 

[blue44]

I keep forgetting what amnesia means :-(

 

[Dicko69]

 

[sir baconface]

save pictures online

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Norman Stanley Fletcher]

Pythagoras walks into a pub and says to the barman “if X is the base, and Z is the sine, what is the hypotenuse?”

The barman says “Y, the long face”

 

[Bill Walker]

Yesterday I saw a Warburtons loaf in a cage at the zoo.

The keeper said it was bread in captivity!!

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I once fell off the roof at IKEA and landed on its sign… I was stuck in A & E for ages!

 

[goalmole]

I once fell off the roof at IKEA and landed on its sign… I was stuck in A & E for ages!

Surely, it was E & A.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Surely, it was E & A.

No

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

Last night I fulfilled one of my greatest fantasies when I shagged a pair of twins.
I told my friend and he asked me if it was easy to tell the twins apart.
I replied that it was easy as Anna had a huge pair of knockers, whilst Andrew had a beard....

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus

 

[eversince 76]

I hate it when someone tries to impress me by pretending to be cultured
They'll say that they like Mozart's works but I reckon they've never even seen one of his paintings

I did tbh

 

[Plays By Sense Of Smell]

Have you had to walk 500 miles ?

Were you advised to walk 500 more ?

You could be entitled to compensation .

CALL The Pro Claimers Now

 

[KS55]

Have you had to walk 500 miles ?

Were you advised to walk 500 more ?

You could be entitled to compensation .

CALL The Pro Claimers Now

Awful, but I like it!

 

[lefty goldblatt]

The Council Job Interview

Ex-Squaddie goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give
you 5 extra points towards employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in
any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded
near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal
hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....... but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.

There's no point in you coming in for that."The Council Job Interview

Ex-Squaddie goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give
you 5 extra points towards employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in
any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded
near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal
hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....... but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.

There's no point in you coming in for that."

 

[blue b4 the moon]

The Council Job Interview

Ex-Squaddie goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give
you 5 extra points towards employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in
any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded
near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal
hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....... but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.

There's no point in you coming in for that."The Council Job Interview

Ex-Squaddie goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give
you 5 extra points towards employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in
any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded
near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal
hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....... but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.

There's no point in you coming in for that."

Nope can't find a punchline in that for copy & pasting it twice.

 

[Plays By Sense Of Smell]

Nope can't find a punchline in that for copy & pasting it twice.

New Joke, New Joke (pleeeease!!!)

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]