Joke thread

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry lads............. I can't let you in without a Thai." !!
 
Paddy's wife says, ''I want a rape alarm.''
Next morning he covers her mouth, holds her down, fucks her up the arse and whispers...
''It's time to get up!''
 
pudge said:
It's been posted before so apologies but i feel it should grace every joke thread;

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
Click to expand...


Absolute garbage
 
Our records indicate that you were once felt up by jimmy saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation.Just reply "hows about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "lawyers 4 u fixed it for me" medal.
 
Churchill123 said:
pudge said:
It's been posted before so apologies but i feel it should grace every joke thread;

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
Click to expand...


Absolute garbage
Click to expand...
Perhaps it's too subtle for you..
 
Jimmy Savile knew of the Rochdale paedophile ring, before they were arrested. In-fact, he was making a programme about it, called Jamaal Fix It
 
Not a joke but I thought this video was pretty funny

<a class="postlink" href="http://youtu.be/zd7c5tQCs1I" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://youtu.be/zd7c5tQCs1I</a>
 
Four mates have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, Phil's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Two days later, the other guys get to the hotel only to find Phil sitting there in the bar. "Hell Phil, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!!!
 
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
 He said,
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.
 
A  group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of
golf.One got transferred to another city.It wasn't the same without
him.
A new woman joined their Club.She overheard the guys talking about
their golf round.She said,"You know,I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"
The three guys looked at each other.Not one of them wanted to say
'yes', but she had them on the spot.
Finally,one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early
-- at 6:30 a.m.He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.
The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to
15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay.She smiled and
said,"Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp,and,playing right-handed, beat all three of
them with an eye-opening two-under-par round.She was fun and a pleasant
person, and the guys were impressed.Back at the clubhouse,they
congratulated her and invited her back the next week.She smiled, and
said,"I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.Only this time,she
played left-handed.The three guys were incredulous as she still beat
them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.They
were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out.She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be purposely showing them up.They invited her back again, but
each man harboured a burning desire to beat her.
 
The third week,the guys had their game faces on.But this time,she was
15 minutes late,which made the guys irritable.This week the lady again
played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.The men mused
that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
However,she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play,they couldn't hold a grudge.Back in them clubhouse, all three guys
were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure
out.
They had a couple of beers,and finally,one of the men asked her point
blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or
left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy,"she said."When my Dad
taught me to play golf,I learned I was ambidextrous.I like to switch
back and forth.When I got married after college,I discovered my husband
always sleeps in the nude.From then on,I developed a silly habit.Right
before I left in the morning for golf practice,I would pull the covers
off him.
 
If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed;
if it was pointed to the left,I golfed left-handed."
The guys thought this was hysterical.
 
Astonished at this bizarre information,one of the guys shot back,"But
what if it's pointing straight up?"
 
She said,"Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
oakiecokie said:
My missus said our relationship wasn`t going anywhere.I said quit the fuck moaning while I`m having a wank.
Click to expand...
I'm just admiring the economy of this compared to the one before it.
 
hackneyslim said:
oakiecokie said:
My missus said our relationship wasn`t going anywhere.I said quit the fuck moaning while I`m having a wank.
Click to expand...
I'm just admiring the economy of this compared to the one before it.
Click to expand...

I didn`t read that many fucking words in my holiday book.Thought his wording came from War & Peace,it was that fooking long winded.
 
oakiecokie said:
hackneyslim said:
oakiecokie said:
My missus said our relationship wasn`t going anywhere.I said quit the fuck moaning while I`m having a wank.
Click to expand...
I'm just admiring the economy of this compared to the one before it.
Click to expand...

I didn`t read that many fucking words in my holiday book.Thought his wording came from War & Peace,it was that fooking long winded.
Click to expand...

Plus it wasn't funny.
 
I was fingering my wife the other night when she said, "Put another finger in."

"But I've only got ten," I replied.


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SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS...

John Terry has been named as the new Serbia under 21 coach.


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Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted and fingered by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week. Both sooty and sweep claim they where so traumatized it left them speechless!!!
 
wayne71 said:
Not a joke but I thought this video was pretty funny

<a class="postlink" href="http://youtu.be/zd7c5tQCs1I" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://youtu.be/zd7c5tQCs1I</a>
Click to expand...

made me laugh
 
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