Joke thread

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile.

When my Brother was 8, he fixed it for him to milk a cow blindfolded
 
My mate's shagging twins at the moment. I asked him how he can tell them apart. "Easy, Jane's got big tits, and John's got a huge cock".
 
I bought my wife a pair of crotchless knickers for Halloween,
Not for sexual purposes though.
Just to give her a better grip on the broomstick
 
Wife came home from work to find husband sitting watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else". She continued "....I'm also seeing someone else he's younger than you, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything i ask, has a 9 inch cock and makes love to me till I cant take anymore". The husband replied "Really? What team does he support?"
 
"When having sex do you ever look at your wife's face?"

"Yes, last time she looked really angry"

"Why do you think that was?"

"She was watching through the window."
 
ChrisNUFC said:
Wife came home from work to find husband sitting watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else". She continued "....I'm also seeing someone else he's younger than you, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything i ask, has a 9 inch cock and makes love to me till I cant take anymore". The husband replied "Really? What team does he support?"
Click to expand...

Just told my missus this one and she started acting really strange. She was saying things like -

"Who have you been talking to?"
"I haven't been out on my own for."
"Are you watching the Scotland v Northern Ireland victory shield match tonight?"
and weirdest of all "Do you fancy an early beer?"
 
citykev28 said:
ChrisNUFC said:
Wife came home from work to find husband sitting watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else". She continued "....I'm also seeing someone else he's younger than you, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything i ask, has a 9 inch cock and makes love to me till I cant take anymore". The husband replied "Really? What team does he support?"
Click to expand...

Just told my missus this one and she started acting really strange. She was saying things like -

"Who have you been talking to?"
"I haven't been out on my own for."
"Are you watching the Scotland v Northern Ireland victory shield match tonight?"
and weirdest of all "Do you fancy an early beer?"
Click to expand...


Hmmm I notice Toma is offline too, coincidence?
 
ChrisNUFC said:
citykev28 said:
ChrisNUFC said:
Wife came home from work to find husband sitting watching the football. "I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else". She continued "....I'm also seeing someone else he's younger than you, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything i ask, has a 9 inch cock and makes love to me till I cant take anymore". The husband replied "Really? What team does he support?"
Click to expand...

Just told my missus this one and she started acting really strange. She was saying things like -

"Who have you been talking to?"
"I haven't been out on my own for."
"Are you watching the Scotland v Northern Ireland victory shield match tonight?"
and weirdest of all "Do you fancy an early beer?"
Click to expand...


Hmmm I notice Toma is offline too, coincidence?
Click to expand...

Nah, one thing she hates is a Judas.
 
Man City fans are like Jimmy Savile's victims.....they don't say anything for over 40 years then all pipe up at once !
 
A man and his wife went to the zoo. They noticed the gorilla had got a hard on as he looked at the wife. Her husband says "Lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him!" The ape goes mental. "Now get your tits out !" The ape goes fucking berserk! The husband opens the cage and pushes his wife in. "Now try telling THAT fucker you've got a headache!"
 
bluestew666 said:
A man and his wife went to the zoo. They noticed the gorilla had got a hard on as he looked at the wife. Her husband says "Lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him!" The ape goes mental. "Now get your tits out !" The ape goes fucking berserk! The husband opens the cage and pushes his wife in. "Now try telling THAT fucker you've got a headache!"
Click to expand...



Haha that's cheered me up. Stuck in Nice waiting for a delayed plane
 
bluestew666 said:
A man and his wife went to the zoo. They noticed the gorilla had got a hard on as he looked at the wife. Her husband says "Lift your skirt up flash your knickers and tease him!" The ape goes mental. "Now get your tits out !" The ape goes fucking berserk! The husband opens the cage and pushes his wife in. "Now try telling THAT fucker you've got a headache!"
Click to expand...

This shall be my joke of next week. Have yourself a beer Sir!
 
There was a Muslim at work boasting that he had the whole Koran on DVD. I thought it would be interesting to check it out, so I asked him to burn me a copy. That's when it all kicked off !!!
 
jimmy savile says he only ever had sex with 28 year olds,when asked what was the best thing about 28 year olds, jimmy replied " theres 20 of em"
 
Little jewish lad went to his dad and said "dad can I have 50p",his dad replied " 40p son,what do you want 30p for".
scotsman dropped a two pence piece,when he bent down to pick it up it hit him on the back of his head.
 
A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world.




Not during a rectal exam though according to my doctor.!!


----------------------------


What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental.


The other is some kind of farming problem apparently!!


----------------------

Midget woman goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I've got an itchy fanny." He lifts up her skirt, gets some scissors & goes snip snip. He asks "Is that better?" "A bit better, but it's still itchy doc." So the doctor lifts her skirt up again. Snip snip snip snip. "Is that better" "Yes," the midget replies, "fantastic what did you do doctor?" The doctor replies "Cut the fur off the top of your Ugg boots."


--------------------


Eric Clapton was on 6 Music earlier saying how Savile's career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces!



----------------------

Just got in after a hard day at the pub.There was a note stuck to the fridge from the missus, it said" I have gone to stay at my sisters because it clearly isn't working anymore!"

I dont know what the fuck she is on about because when I opened it the beers were all nice and cold.......


--------------------

Ken dodd has been arrested in the jimmy saville sex inquiry,
A uraguian women, claims he shagged her 25 years ago, mrs suarez said she has cast iron proof it was dodd who done it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top