Joke thread

My missus crashed into a bloke in the car this morning.
She told the police that the guy had been drinking & was on his mobile at the time of impact.


The Police assured her he was entitled to do as he pleased in his own conservatory.



..............

U can tell by a lady's feet how she's feeling.


If they're behind her ears she likes you ! !


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My dog does a somersault everytime Man Utd score a goal. Sometimes he does two somersaults,


it depends how hard i kick him..


...............

A woman is stood in front of a mirror all dressed up for a night on the town. She turns to her husband and says , "I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment once in a while".

"Fair enough" says the husband, "your eyesight is damn near perfect"
 
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
 
km09 said:
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
Click to expand...

Brilliant!
 
Mcdonalds have just introduced the new McSaville Burger, an 84 year old piece of meat between 12 year old baps,
 
I see Jimmy Savilles family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing around it as a sign of respect to his victims.

So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it.

Just what Jimmy would have wanted



..........................


Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together.



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Following the news that Wonga is the new sponsor of Newcastle United,
the players have promised to give 1750% in future games....


.........................

T'day I bought myself some sensible walkin boots, a new ordinance map, a nice hand carved walkin stick & a rucksack. Then I went up to the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles stopped, sat on a stone wall, had a flask of coffee, Then I walked another 5 miles, had a biscuit & then I...


..oh, Sorry mate, I'm fuckin rambling!!


.......................

Car Of The Year 2012, as voted by the readers of Women's Own magazine is:




A Blue One!
 
BimboBob said:
I am going to open an all Jewish brothel and call it the "Gash Chamber".
Click to expand...

ao3wno.jpg
:-)
 
The BBC news channel have just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of them women and a picture taken of each of them from the 70's.






The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
 
I was frantically trying to clean the spunk off my sisters duvet when my mum walked in. She took one look at me and shouted "YOU'RE DISGUSTING!!". "I'm disgusting?" I replied "She's the one who spat it out!!
 
When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end?

Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.
 
A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with 1 hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse.
She's a swiss army wife.
 
Just got back from a mates funeral.
He died after been hit on head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
 
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on."Do you mind doing my back?" she asked."Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes.""Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"And that was all the invitation I needed...I'm now single.

Just been walking the dogs in the park and spotted a Man Utd season ticket nailed to a tree. Well I thought I'm having that......you can never have too many nails can you. !!!!
 
San Marino were a tougher opponent back in the 80's when they were just a quarterback for Miami Dolphins

Courtesy of @mcfccassy
 
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