Joke thread

"Okay, that'll be 20p," said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo.

"What!?" I shouted. "But it says 10p on the wrapper?"

"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20."

"Fine," I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash.

"Ummm, excuse me sir," the man slid the coin back across the counter. "You've handed me a ten pence piece."

"Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20."<br /><br />-- Thu Mar 01, 2012 2:06 am --<br /><br />My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
 
Ragnarok said:
"Okay, that'll be 20p," said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo.

"What!?" I shouted. "But it says 10p on the wrapper?"

"Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20."

"Fine," I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash.

"Ummm, excuse me sir," the man slid the coin back across the counter. "You've handed me a ten pence piece."

"Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20."
Click to expand...
Hmm.






Ragnarok said:
My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Click to expand...
Two weeks ago wants it's joke back
 
My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."
 
Ragnarok said:
My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."
Click to expand...



tumbleweed.gif
 
Liverpool finally bring home a trophy after 6 years, the carling cup, bit like being single for 6 years and bringing home Susan Boyle .!!


My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse.
I asked how do you tell them apart?
He said easy, Sally's got massive tits and Derek's got a moustache..

Are you taking note Ragnarok??
 
Paddy and Mick were on a plane to the USA.

One hour after take off over the Atlantic there is an announcement:-

"This is your captain speaking, just to let you know that engine number four has just failed, so we will be one hour late arriving in New York."

Half an hour later, another one:-

"This is your captain speaking, unfortunately engine number three has just failed, so we will now be two hours late arriving"....

Another hour later:-

"This is your captain speaking, we have just been notified that engine number two has now failed, so we will now be three hours late arriving in NY"

Paddy says:- "Blimey! I hope engine number one is OK, we'll be up here all night!!"
 
I was cutting through an alley Manchester's Chinatown when a girl approached me and said "Sucky sucky fucky fucky five dorrar".

I looked at her and said "You're way too young".

"How you know my name?" she replied.
 
mr t said:
I was cutting through an alley Manchester's Chinatown when a girl approached me and said "Sucky sucky fucky fucky five dorrar".

I looked at her and said "You're way too young".

"How you know my name?" she replied.
Click to expand...
ha ha,i do like that one,however she went from fluent cantonese to haf decent engrish,very sooooon.
 
Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.

You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.
 
3 brothers always meet up every Friday evening in the local for a few pints and after a few years 2 of them moved away from their home town but the one who remained always still went in ordered 3 pints and drank them whilst toasting his brothers - this went on for a few weeks until one evening he just ordered 2 pints and the bar man knowing of the tradition asked was everything ok with the brothers and bloke replies yea fine but I'm off the drink
 
After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 
Two small boys are walking down the street when they suddenly come across a used condom and one of them picks it up. They play with it until they get home and one of the boy's mother sees it and shouts at them, 'What is that you two are playing with?!'
'It's just a balloon ma.' Replies one of the boys.
'Didn't I tell you not to play with stuff you found lying around in the street?!'
You did ma.'
'Now go throw that thing in the bin!'
While they walk away, the other boy says to the other, 'Jesus, your mum was so pissed off. Good thing we didn't tell her we ate the yoghurt we found inside.
 
I bumped into a cross-eyed lady today and she shoutd "You need to look wher you're going".
I said "Fuck off! You need to go where you're looking!".
 
My girlfriend has left me because of my fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
 
Little lad says to his dad, 'dad can I get a tele for my room?' To which his dad replies 'only if your grades improve at school'.

Half term arrives and his son gives his dad an envelope. He opens it to reveal his sons grades, straight A's.
'Now can I get a tele dad?'
'OK, OK i'll get you one'.
His dad buys him a TV and sets it up in his room. 'Now watch some tele and don't forget to do your homework'
20 mins later his son shouts his dad 'dad, dad, what's love juice'?
His father, feeling a bit uneasy about the situation starts to explain in graphic detail. 'Well, when me and your mum go to bed.... The child's jaw drops in shock.
'Well, that's love juice' the father says. 'Out of curiosity, what was you watching?'
'Wimbledon' the boy replies.
 
A man dies and goes to hell where Satan is waiting in a room with three doors. "You have a choice of three rooms to stay in," says Satan.He opens the first door, where there's a huge fire. He opens the second door, where there's a pack of hungry wolves. He opens the third door, where there's the sexiest girl in the world strapped to the wall naked. "Which room do you choose?""Erm," chuckles the man, "The third room of course." "OK." says Satan, who then turns to the girl and adds, "Thanks darling, you can go now...This guy's taking over."
 
jimharri said:
A man dies and goes to hell where Satan is waiting in a room with three doors. "You have a choice of three rooms to stay in," says Satan.He opens the first door, where there's a huge fire. He opens the second door, where there's a pack of hungry wolves. He opens the third door, where there's the sexiest girl in the world strapped to the wall naked. "Which room do you choose?""Erm," chuckles the man, "The third room of course." "OK." says Satan, who then turns to the girl and adds, "Thanks darling, you can go now...This guy's taking over."
Click to expand...


thats still the best option
 
Re: joke thread...

Was in Aldi earlier cos we'd overspent at Christmas.

Couldn't believe the price of the beer so put a couple of crates on the trolley.

When the wife saw it she had a fit, reminding me we agreed to save money, so I put it back.

Just before the till I noticed she'd slipped some make up and lip stick into the trolley.

When I reminded her about saving money she told me it was to make herself look beautiful for me.

The row started when I replied "what the fuck do you think the beer was for?"
 
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